


Collapsed: You

by Demoneyedwanderer666



Series: Collapsing into you [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Castiel Has Mental Health Issues (Supernatural), Castiel Has Powers (Supernatural), Castiel Has Rainbow Wings (Supernatural), Castiel Has Self-Esteem Issues (Supernatural), Castiel Has Self-Worth Issues (Supernatural), Castiel and Dean Winchester Falling in Love, Dean Winchester Has Issues, Dean Winchester Has Self-Worth Issues, DeanCas Writing Challenge (Supernatural), Decade of Destiel | 10 Year Anniversary of Lazarus Rising, Destiel Promptober 2020 (Supernatural), Destiel Week (Supernatural), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, M/M, Multi, POV Castiel (Supernatural), POV Dean Winchester, POV Sam Winchester, Protective Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester Has Self-Worth Issues, Team Free Love (Supernatural), Team Free Will (Supernatural), Team Free Will 2.0 (Supernatural), Writers of Destiel Discord Weekly Words Challenge, misha-moose-dean-burger-lover's Angsty-Angst Week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:06:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 66,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28008165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Demoneyedwanderer666/pseuds/Demoneyedwanderer666
Summary: My poor plucked Angel's wings work no moreBecause I love you so, cursed or notA bloodied halo with starbursts supremeOh love, my love that is forlornWe await the end. Together.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel & Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester/You, Castiel/Jimmy Novak/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Series: Collapsing into you [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/797454
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	1. Log 20.0: Another day in paradise

His eyes flicker by the sudden colors that pull him in.

Dean finds himself standing in a massive poppy field, the red and tangerine hues bleeding into one as a gentle breeze blows over them, the grass stands tall but even so the flower’s domineering beauty overpowers him to the core, every breath was intoxicating. It feels as though he’s walking through clouds, his hands tickled by every touch of petal and the longer he inhaled it all the more drunk he felt. He looks at himself even with the over stimulating locale, he’s wearing red flannel and jeans of the most vivid of blues- something he knows he has never owned in his life. He pouts a bit at his attire, but a satisfied one; he’s just never realized how his wardrobe lacked so much color.

His eyes gleam over the drowning merigold sun and the cantaloupe skies that greet it, Dean is inundated with grief and an oh too familiar emotion of pain; it breezes over him like the poppy winds lingering in his lungs.

“Hello, Dean”

He smiles, somehow his weakness disappearing moments after turning towards him.

“Heh, I knew it was too good to be true” He turns while clasping his hands together, his fingers lacing each other as he does “We have to stop meeting like this” He chuckles with a flirtatious wink and grin.

“Hmm” Castiel hums happily, his smile wide on his pale face “It’s been years since we met up in one of your dreams”

“There wasn’t any need to. You’d always be with…”

Dean slowly walks towards him, making sure he took him all in as he did. Castiel’s trench coat is neat and hangs perfectly on his body as it flails in the whispering wind- his shirt the palest white and his tie the darkest blue- unlike his eyes; they radiated the same crystalline shade. Castiel looks away from Dean’s hungry eyes but he doesn’t move away from him, he finds this a little frustrating because all he wanted to do was read his mind, read his thoughts and the very carnage he chose to hide from him. Dean cocks his head to the side, his lips slightly parted as he directs his head in front of Castiel’s, waiting for him to look back- the same way he used to.

And he does- exactly the same way

“There he is” Dean breathes, an unconscious smile escaping his lips

Cas smiles, their juvenile antics getting a bit too much for him.

Dean takes a step back as he bites his lower lip “I know why you’re doing this so don’t even think for a second that I’ll give up on saving your ass”

Cas scratches his face slowly, his eyes wandering and stirring around Dean but never fixed upon him. The same couldn’t be said for Dean, who’s glued onto his gestures and ticks.

“I just felt like seeing you”

“Yeah, but why here? Why now? Why this setting and this mood, huh?”

Castiel stands silently, his eyes looking into his and looking away instantly

“You know, I stopped having dreams when all of this started, can you imagine? Not even wet dreams, Cas. It was always this pitch black, I’d just lay my head down and I’d be out, a few hours later I’d wake up and start the same old shit all over again. But somehow… us finding each other brought that factor back. The nightmares, the dreams- everything- but still no wet dreams unfortunately…”

Cas gives off a laugh, the most heartiest one Dean’s heard in a while, even with his veiled anger he couldn’t help but beam by his sound.

“Do you ever stop? My god these jokes are doing a number on you Dean” He breathes playfully, his teeth shining in the sunlight

“Heh, I guess that’s the only redeeming quality I have left”

“You know that’s not true”

“Then what is true, Cas? Is it true that you don’t want to be in our lives anymore? In my life?”

“Of course I want to. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Then what’s with all of these mixed signals and messages?” Dean’s eyes are popping now, the anger resurfacing in his trembling voice “Why are you facing this unknown enemy on your own when you know we could work on this together? Why choose this truth over us?”

“I’m doing this because of you, Dean. Why can’t you get it through that dense head of yours?”

“Then get it through for me because goddamn it I’ve tried, Cas. **I’ve tried** …. But I can’t get to you no matter how much…”

Silence ensues between them, their stares are constant- resonating the same energy and grief into each other but, still so separate.

“And I, to you”

Dean’s eyes waver at his words, confusion and shock rebelling against each other as his teary eyed stares find the words again

“That’s a load of crap and you know it”

“Is it? Has it ever been, Dean?”

“Don’t you dare say that to me, don’t you fucking dare”

Castiel heaves a hesitant sigh, a sound so morose that it was getting to him too.

“I’ve mourned you, I’ve been mourning you for years it seems; we started drifting apart years before any of this happened. We had this strange unhealthy dependency on each other that no one could grasp, like hungry feral wolves that would tear each other apart…we kept changing and not for the better”

“Is that really how you saw me? That I was going to bring you to ruin? That I was going to tear you apart?”

“We’re tearing each other apart now, Dean”

The air dies around them, the field stands still and the sky is enveloped by an eternal darkness, a starry spotlight hovered over their heads, the planets and skies completely in bloom.

“Cas, I never asked you for any of this, I never asked you to mourn me, to depend…” Dean moves in closer as he holds him by his shoulders, so stiff and lifeless they felt in his trembling hands

“And why didn’t you? That’s the thing Dean, you never **asked** , you never **called** and you never **prayed** in all those years I wanted you to. You never wanted someone else to share your burden, to share your grief because you always did what you do best- **push people away** ”

“You’re pushing me away now, Cas! Even when I’m trying to-” Dean places his hand on Castiel’s cheek, he lifts his face up and looks into those deep pools of blue that are drown him so “Please, I never meant to push anyone away...it’s just…I never wanted you to-or anyone for that matter-see me in a way that could be used against me, that could make you lose faith in me because damn it, people have lost faith in me before- even you”

Cas places his own hand over Dean’s and grasps onto it softly, his hand never left his face during this small interaction and the longer he watched this happen the more Dean knew. He’s eased into his old worn out hands, Dean felt himself beg from his eyes, into those pools of blue that were deafening the very earth around him- why was he losing it so easily?

“I don’t want you to go; we’ve barely even spoken to each other.”

“If time allows it, we might see each other again”

“I don’t want your goddamn ‘might’ Cas, I want you to stay and tell me what’s going on with you, because I know your life is at stake and I can’t…I just can’t…”

Castiel peels his hand off and starts walking backwards, Dean still tries clinging onto his skin and his sleeves but he seems so powerless to fight back.

“You can’t bail on me! You can’t just bail on us after everything we’ve been through!”

Castiel doesn’t respond as he stares with his composed gaze; Dean couldn’t bear to think what kind of mess he looked like in his eyes.

“Please, man. I need you here, I don’t know what we’re going to do to fix things, just give us a chance to save you, just tell us where you are and how…”

Black veins have started to surround Castiel’s legs, they stretch out towards his open wrists and twists around his neck, his Adam’s apple bobs slowly as his stifled cries ring in Dean’s ears. The black stretches behind his head and starts to crawl its way onto his cheeks, almost as if mimicking Dean’s hand.

**Mocking him.**

“Castiel!” He bellows into the void, he watches his eyes be enveloped by it too- his outstretched hand couldn’t reach him, no matter how much he tried

“Cas! Don’t…”

“Don’t go”

**_Cas?_ **

**_Cas?_ **

****

_All is gone_

_All is now gone_

* * *

“Hey Dean, wake up”

Dean shuffles uncomfortably in his seat, chapping his lips as he starts to wake from his confined breathing space.

“Hmm?”

“Come on, we need to get s head start on the day- and we have to deal with this thing too”

“Is that really how you treat your guests?” Crowley mumbles in the back seat as his head pops towards the front, a levitating head in Dean’s view but a nuisance in Sam’s eyes.

“What time is it? How long was I out?” Dean gabbles in his sleepy state, rubbing his eyes as he straightens himself up in the leather seat- he notices that the truck’s door is open and half of Sam’s body is dangling outside the vehicle. Dean snickers at the view and Sam rolls his eyes in response “Yeah, very funny. Now come outside and eat- I managed to make a campsite near a river”

Dean’s head is buzzing from the nightmare, an empty chasm appearing and disappearing from his chest even as the dull daylight is pouring into his skin. He shelters his eyes from the light and walks in a brisk motion towards the campfire. Stones of various shapes were placed around it and a large one beckons him to sit, it was closest to the crock pot that steamed away in the middle.

“So seriously, how long was I out?”

“Almost all night” Crowley steals the ladle from Dean’s hand and pours himself some stew- Dean glares at him with zealous rage until he handed the ladle back

“Anyways…” Sam interrupts, his stare awkward at the interaction between the two fighting over food “Yes. You slept all the way here”

“Where is here, exactly?”

“We’re still up south, just farther away from the camp- I had to stop for gas a couple of times but we’re getting…somewhere” Sam ponders over his last words as he takes the ladle from Dean, he notices his shaky hands and asks about it through his eyes.

“Oh, this? Just the usual shakes that’s all. Maybe because of driving all night?” He rubs his temple and sits down, his legs stretched towards his back

“Hmm” Dean swallows a few warm pieces of meat and, what is that, peas? All in all his throat felt at ease the more he ate.

“Okay so since I wasn’t awake did I miss anything in particular? Has this wise ass told you everything?”

“Still right here, just by the way” Crowley speaks from across the fire pit. His mouth still a smug grin even as he’s eating

“He’s told me everything, actually” Sam speaks after swallowing a spoonful of peas

Dean takes another bite and listens intently; awaiting an answer he’d most probably be disappointed with

“Okay, so…” Crowley is the one who finishes eating first and starts becoming the center of attention again- Dean was annoyed by his antics but he chose not to ruin his lunch

“The day this all happened I was actually pursuing you boys for a favor- you see hell was kind of cutting some loose ends and long story short I needed you to find me some names on a list, or maybe I was bored? Who’s to say really? Anyways none of you picked up my calls so I ended up looking for you. The bunker? Empty; at first I thought huh, are they ignoring me? Are they actually trying to get on my bad side? Because even after everything I don’t expect them to-”

Sam coughs with irritation, signaling him to move on with the story- as if being scolded by a parent. Dean found this interaction quite adorable.

“Yeah, yeah- so I traced the both of you and then got caught up in this muck- without my consent mind you- after seeing those things mooch off of you and your boy I tried to come up with something a little more…demonic, in nature. After all only demons know other demons best, right? But the trench coated gremlin gave off a cosmic blast so wide he ended up taking all of us with him, amongst others that is. Needless to say we got dragged into a place where only monsters manage to thrive with their already gifted skillset, them and well you blokes I suppose-anything other than that are nothing but useless flesh sacks- no offense”

“That doesn’t make any sense, if that were the case then Cas wouldn’t be able to use his powers here. If it works on demons then it should work on angels too, right?”

“That’s the thing Dean.” Sam interrupts quietly, he sees his brother’s conflicted stare- the dread written on his face as he tried answering further- but Dean already knew.

“Unless… It isn’t his grace. It’s something else entirely” Dean mumbles to himself, his bowl hanging loose from his fingers

“He was able to bring us back, Dean. Let alone create this whole…realm? I don’t even know what word to use to describe this”

Dean is still frozen, his lashes still as he refuses to blink

“Dean- something is up with him. The blast that Crowley mentioned- what if….what if Cas was trying to fix something but his powers ended up becoming…corrupted by the things we’re after? None of them survived it- and we know Cas’ grace wasn’t strong enough to do all of this. Not alone”

“So what, you’re saying those things are riding him? Wearing him everywhere he goes and controlling him?” Dean burst out with frustration- Sam knew he wasn’t directing his emotion towards anyone but it still shook him up a bit when he did that.

“Or that’s not the case at all, is it? Cas is controlling that thing or whatever that thing’s source of power is” Dean turns towards Sam and then looks at Crowley- his eyes indecisive as he continues theorizing “Jesus...is that why his eyes were-?”

“They were what, Dean?” Sam pursues further

“….Never mind, I think I just hit my head a little when I woke up” Dean scratches the back of his head uncomfortably- something he’s been doing a lot these days.

“So what now, Crowley? Is there anything else that can be done? We know that Cas is more than capable enough to deal with those monsters but the thing is how do we stop him from doing something we know nothing about? We have very limited intel about them and the more we try to find out the farther away Cas gets from us.” Sam diverts his attention to Crowley, who’s cleaning under his finger nails with his back placed on a grey tree.

“Didn’t they mention anything during your encounter? Something about how they ended up here? Because frankly entities of this sort aren’t really my forte, I’m more of a mainstream monster kind of guy myself”

“Wait. I think… I think I remember something- something from Cas’ memory” Dean places his bowl on the ground and stands up- his movement abrupt and erratic as he circles the campsite slowly, Sam and Crowley watch him with caution.

“Cas’ memory? How did you?-” Sam speaks in the silence as he stands beside Dean

“Yeah… I know this sounds weird but- it’s not his memory per say- but I remember something from our conversation with that thing”

“While we were comatose, you mean?”

“Yeah, that. Exactly that. I heard it say something; I heard it say that… they were forced here? That they were driven away and trapped?”

“So, what are we talking about, a spell of some sort?”

“I dunno, but it’s worth a shot, right? We know Cas can yank the things out of existence, so why not?”

“I don’t know Dean, this is really vague- it’s not enough to go on”

Sam and Dean look at each other with some dismissiveness in their gestures- whatever point the other brought up the other always turned it down. Crowley watched this transfer for a few good minutes until he decided he had enough of it.

“Can I say something?” He coos as he stands between them; their looks of exasperation only amused him, to say the least “What if I were to present to you with a bold idea?”

They stare at him, still irritated but with interest

“Why don’t we just, trap one of the things?”

They look away and gaze at one another with furrowed brows and nervous gulps- something Crowley had anticipated beforehand

“And how do we do that, pray tell?” Dean asks sarcastically, his eyes all wrinkled and red from the situation

“Listen up, we just confront one of those things and just torture it enough to get the information we need”

“Were you not listening? Nothing works on them here, no oil, no knives, no bullets” Sam steps in with his anxious puppy eyes.

“No, but we do have one thing that does”

Dean’s eyes widen at his suggestion and Crowley’s unapologetic glare wasn’t helping things either.

“No” Dean responds with an indignant finger pointing “He does not get involved in this whatsoever, we don’t even know if he can do that sort of crap. He-” Dean turns at the sudden touch on his shoulder; he twists with ferocity but becomes still the moment he looks at him.

His solicited looks were starting to dig into him, Dean kept shaking his head; hoping that he would change his mind somehow- but nothing moved him.

“We have no other choice Dean. I don’t like this any more than you do”

“Oh, you think you understand? You?”

“Dean… you can’t just-”

“Watch me”

He shoves his hand off from his shoulder and stomps away from the fire pit, the ash rubbing into the soles of his shoes as he walks away. Sam calls out to him but he knows too well that it doesn’t matter what he could say to him- he just needed to let him clear his head for now.

“Well, what now moose?” Crowley peeks over Sam’s shoulder, like a little devil whispering in his ear.

“I’ll talk to him, he just needs some time to himself right now” Sam whispers as he watches Dean walk further ahead up the river with his hands in his jacket “He’s overwhelmed by all of this, me coming back didn’t make it any easier” Sam looks down, a mournful smile appearing and leaving his face instantly, Crowley stands still beside the fire pit as he watches the both of them walk away in opposite directions- he sighs and watches the embers become dimmer by the pulsating winds.

The cold envelopes us once more.

We fade out. 


	2. Log 21.0: Coming Apart

The world feels like an empty chasm to Dean, almost balanced and almost about to topple over the edge. It reminds him of the days his father left him alone for his hunts, he watched everyone around him grow older and wiser, some dead-some undead- some bursting with so much life that he couldn’t fathom what he had wanted to feel anymore-no matter how much he wanted it all to stop it only got more complicated. It was endless, and endless-and **endless**. He watches the dim glittering sky as the clouds dance in his eyes- he hears nothing in the wind other than the slow flowing water hitting the rocky river floor- it tends to stretch out from here- he wondered if this would lead towards a beach but for some reason he protested the idea and refused to go on further, no matter how much he really wanted to.

_He wanted to leave everything behind_

His trembling lips were only one of the symptoms of his aching joints- he never had time to himself these past few weeks and now that he does the numbing silence was beginning to bring the worst out of him. His thoughts were tangled up in his brain- there was so much to dwell over within those intricacies and vexations-where could he even begin?

He clasps his hands together and buries his nose between his elbows. His breathing warmed his face the more he buried his face in- his knees felt warmer by the puffs. He wanted to suffocate himself the deeper his breaths got but somehow he fought against that thought too.

**I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to do- I’m just…I just want a break from all of this. This life and this mind-anything that I have I just want to give it all away- I want nothing anymore. I just need some help, some grasp over all of this. If only you’d just let me.**

His eyes well up and his breathing diminishes from the slow coughs and remorseful groans

**I need help. I don’t know what else to do-I just-**

We hear his subdued cries as he digs his nails into his hands-it hurts him but he pays no heed to it, to anything that would remotely bring him back

**_He never should’ve come back. He never should’ve been saved. He never should’ve lived as long as he had. He never-he never-_ **

His nose is still buried, his tears still fall and his chest still heaves an unshakeable pain

He feels lost

**_Alone_ **

As if he was toppling over the edge

“You called?”

The sudden sound had jolted Dean out of his molding state, his abrupt turn brings a twist in his neck and his hands flail miserably as he tries to keep his balance, either way his drenched contortioned face was answerable enough.

“SERIOUSLY?” he shouts as he continues falling in the opposite direction- he tries to grasp onto the feeble roots and twigs arching from the tree but they only broke in his grip- he was falling head first into the river and he had no way to stop it.

Until his dangling hands were caught by another. Dean had shut his eyes and waited for the cold and harsh impact-but he was saved. The pain in his neck subsided and he was positioned in such a way that he was looking at the world upside down

“Don’t worry, I’ve gripped you tight” the voice muses at a dangling Dean Winchester

He decides its best that he looks up now.

His hand is laced into Castiel’s with a firm grip, their fingers are so etched into one another and they never realize it. He pulls him up with one hand and manages to reach him back on eye level. Dean feels the humming in his chest rise again as he does so, and he wasn’t sure that was a good thing.

“Hello Dean”

“Never do that again!” He bursts as he pulls his hand away and wipes his blushing red face

“I’m sorry, I just heard you and…”

“Yeah? So what-I never get to have my alone time anymore? Everyone just takes it as an invitation to piss me off?”

“That was never my intention. You know that”

“Oh, and what do I know? Everyone just leaves before they say anything”

Castiel watches him with his aversive looks, he knows of his intensity and his tough exterior, he only wished that he could see the same

“I’m not here for long; I only came because you needed me-” he lingers with his tongue, Dean’s back is facing him and he turns him around to complete his sentence “-or something of the sort?”

“Yeah, well you were mistaken. You can go now” Dean pouts as he rubs his hands uneasily and walks away.

But Castiel knew, so he stopped him

“I want to help out.” He speaks as his hand grasps onto Dean’s elbow “With, the plan?” he utters under his hesitant breath as he takes his hand back. Dean looks at him with his tilted head and squinting glare; he could sense a stern scolding from him about to burst.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Enough with the Vulcan mind probe Cas! Have you always done that?”

“We need to get back to the campsite, discuss our plan”

“Woah-woah-woah, you can not just **whoosh** yourself over here and act as if nothing has happened. Are you seriously going to avoid talking about it?” Dean stumbles over his feet as he runs after Castiel- who for some reason refuses to slow down.

“I choose to do so because we don’t have time. We need to work together for now and then I can be out of your way”

“Oh, so you’re literally here for your own reasons? I thought you came because I ‘called’, right?”

“I did- I always do. But-”

“But what, Cas?” Dean slides into his view and blocks his way- his outstretched arms maneuver with his lightening reflexes “What is it that you’re not telling us?” Dean’s eyes look famished again as he peers into him- Castiel doesn’t avert his gaze either- but the very act of it made the static course through his veins.

“Cas?”

Castiel looks behind Dean and sees Sam rushing towards them- his mouth agape and swollen for some reason. Dean’s eyes widen as he turns around to see the campsite, had he not realized that they had reached it already?

Castiel had to stifle a smile during this “I have come to help you out. With your trap” he moves away from Dean and goes towards Sam, whose mouth is still agape by shock.

“And…you’re going to? Just like that?” Sam raises his eyebrow and catches glances between Dean and Cas simultaneously.

“Don’t worry Sam, he was just leaving” Dean speaks through a gutted smile as he steps in and separates the two of them. Castiel places his own hands on Dean’s arm and refuses to move away from Sam-who is tangled awkwardly between their spat.

“Sam, if you’d only just listen. I want to help you- you know that”

“I know the old Cas would- but I’m not so sure about the one I’m speaking to now” Sam mutters in a questionable tone. Even Dean became still after he said that and instinctively he looked at Cas.

His eyes are frozen- the blue in his eyes disappearing like the clouds in the sky- he speaks again but in the same tone as before, completely unaffected “I know I haven’t been the best person to rely on in recent times… and I do not blame you for not trusting me now- but believe me when I say this. I want to **help**. I’ll take what I need and I’ll be out of your way. That’s all I ask of you”

Sam’s eyes wander over Castiel and his words- he doesn’t seem too moved or too affected- but that’s just how Sam has been for quite some time now, through most of this it really was him who dealt with the issue by grabbing it by the teeth. Dean has been struggling to do just that over the past few years.

_Is that shame building up again?_

“Alright”

_What?_

“You can help with our plan, but you’re under our radar now. You can’t pull any tricks or any sort of game with us- not anymore. And the going away part? That’s still to be discussed and only after we’ve both gotten what we need-”

‘I accept. Whatever it is I accept it” Cas mellows down and nods his head robotically. Sam is taken aback by his sudden answer- the nasty exterior and tone chipping away almost instantly.

“Uh…Well, good, then-we’ll get started right away” his jittery self returning as he let Cas walk beside him- he looks at Dean with a confused glare and the both of them watch Cas walk away towards the fire pit.

“Does he…”

“Remind me of old Cas? Yes, something is definitely up” Dean points out. They turn to look at each other and then look at Cas, who is being heckled by Crowley.

“Yeah I guess we need to explain… that to him too” Dean muses as he finger guns towards them- a gesture Sam noticed instantly-he didn’t even try hiding the cringe from his face.

“The gang’s back together” Sam whispers with a smile on his face, something he hasn’t really done in a while.

“Yeah, feels strange doesn’t it?” Dean responds, but he doesn’t bear a smile on his lips. They walk together slowly, escaping into the conversation Crowley manages to pull Cas into without his consent- all of this seemed so easy, so why? Why was it so hard to-?

**_You don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve any of this._ **

Dean shakes his thoughts away and watches the others commune- his eyes wandering each and every one of them- his shaking hands dug deep in his pockets. The sky is clear above them- everything is as it should be.

_Right?_

* * *

Castiel watches the smoke swerve in the air-a thin grey ribbon just twisting to and fro as the ash keeps piling on, just staring at its movements were dulling out the thoughts in his mind. He chooses to look away and lets his eyes wander the campsite- he watches Sam fumble with a few books and parchments from the truck with Dean beside him- his brow furrowed and staring into his soul, or what’s left of it at least. Dean is saying something under his breath, Castiel could tune in and listen to his conversation but he chose not to- especially in the circumstances they are now. He rubs his hands and flecks the dust and ash off from his trench coat, he doesn’t know what else to do in a situation like this- the waiting and the silence was starting to get to him.

“So, Cassie- I know I’ve been pestering you for an hour or so but-”

He regrets sitting here alone.

“-I kind of want to know, what is going on in that hollow head of yours? You seem a little on edge, more so than usual” Crowley sits down beside him, his breath smelling of cigars

“How did you procure a cigar? Even after all of this?” Cas winces at the overpowering scent, Crowley only smiles in response “I’m sorry if a guy likes to get off the edge from time to time. But no need to talk about little old me, I’m asking you how you did it- did all of this”

“I don’t have any recollection of it”

“Liar”

“It is my truth, I don’t know how but I just know that… I can. And that’s why I came here to find out more”

“Don’t you ever get tired of screwing with everyone’s heads? I sit with you for a few minutes and I already feel my head spinning”

“Maybe it’s all those things you inhale that’s making you feel that way?”

“Nah” he looks him up and down, his big eyes condescending as always “There’s definitely something off about you. But don’t worry, I won’t say anything to your boy toys- I’ll leave it to you”

Castiel is paralyzed by Crowley’s intuition; he couldn’t hide his blazing blue stare and the redness in his cheeks so he turns away from him, completely directing himself towards Sam and Dean- who is still looking at him- the acrimony slowly fading away in his eyes.

Sam manages to turn and brings his items about, he slowly places each of the books and notes in front of Castiel and flips the pages towards pictures and descriptions, which weren't much to go on. “This is everything we have, unfortunately. The information we do have is limited, especially regarding on how we can kill it” Sam places his fingers over the pages as Castiel gazes through them- his robotic eyes gleaming in the dullness.

“I understand. But there is something you must know, I have managed to make contact with them, in an indirect way I suppose” Castiel mutters as he flips through the pages.

“You what?” Dean speaks abruptly, it brought Cas out of his daze and made him focus on him instead “And when did you plan on telling us?” Dean’s eyes grow tired the more he gawks- but Castiel didn’t mind, he always liked the way the creases in his eyes appeared and how green they would look in every shade he saw him in. “Well, I told you now. If I didn’t leave I wouldn’t have this information now would I?”

Dean takes an angry step forward while biting his lip but Sam grabs him by the waist before he could get any further, Cas didn’t know why he kept agitating him this way, it never came out right the longer he talked.

_You don’t deserve to be here_

“Those beasts left a hidden message, I believe they are all regrouping some place farther from here and I only have this cryptic message to follow up on.”

‘What is that message, Cas?” Sam’s narrow eyes are locked onto Castiel, he struggles to find the strength to say any further as he kept exchanging glances with Dean-who is watching him unnervingly- what was happening?

“Uh- it went like this” he clears his throat, his glances shifting between Sam and Dean from time to time“...Be swallowed by the whale in the sky, watch where the snakeskins gleam, where a human’s blood grows cold, where sanity lingers only in a dream… or so it says”

“Well, you weren’t lying about the cryptic part” Dean rubs his hand over his face and lets it linger on his chin- Cas was always fascinated by his little gestures but to see him do this now adds a daunting weight on his chest.

“Where are we even supposed to start with this?” Sam flips his hair and struggles to assemble the sheets of paper spread out “I don’t know what we could do with this…riddle?” he breathes, Castiel helps him out with his task too.

“Okay, okay- lets just narrow it down a little…” Dean bends over and helps them, his hands grazing Castiel’s from time to time-he didn’t notice it but Cas felt himself swell every time-It kind of hurt to see him act so distant.

“I suggest you boys bring a map” Crowley groans as he watches the three of them on the ground “the biggest one”. Dean finishes and looks up at Crowley- his eyes spewing with rage and annoyance- he should know by now that something like this only riles him up.

“We can’t get the god damn maps- and if we did- then how many maps do you expect us to get, dickwad?” Dean takes his usual tone with him, stern and unreasonably hostile.

Castiel was only glad it wasn’t directed towards him this time.

“Well, let’s narrow this riddle down and then look for a map? Either way we’ll need a map for this” Crowley rolls his eyes as he bends down, his head hovering above Cas’ “Unless our cosmic GPS here might have a different approach”

Dean felt his blood boil by his way of speaking but before he could say anything Castiel interrupted “I could-but I don’t know where to start. I understand some things from it but it’s harder to limit that description too”

“What do you mean by that Cas?” Sam’s warm tone eases up to him, his hazel stares calming Castiel’s wounded eyes

“I saw flashes- more like glimpses of a place. I have never been there before so I believe that might be it, but I’ve been finding it difficult to… clear out the mess in between” he fidgets with his thumbs, their excessive scraping sent unnerving goosebumps in Dean’s skin “I saw a river, a massive field of grass- the rest is a blur…”

Dean exchanges glances with Sam and takes a deep breath, his head shake was enough to make Castiel feel disappointed “This is just great. I don’t even have the words to…is there seriously nothing else you remember? Maybe just?-” he places his hand on Castiel’s shoulder, he didn’t realize why, he only did what came natural to him.

Cas couldn’t help but stare at him- he never meant to but I guess he did what came natural to him too.

_Something? Something?_

“Maybe I do…there was something else”

“What? But you just sai-” Sam points out but is shut down by Dean, his hand gestures doing the talking for him.

“There was a train, a train underneath it’s structure” Castiel wanders off with his thoughts- his breathing was uneasy and he grasped onto Dean’s hand for comfort, just squeezing the life out of it. Dean winced internally from the pain but something inside of him told him to keep it there. Crowley still hovers above Castiel, his grimace and bulging eyes stagnant even in the rising tension.

“Okay, that’s something I suppose. Don’t push yourself now” Dean takes his hand away even when Cas was grasping onto it, Sam notices this cold exchange but avoids addressing it- he knew something was going on between them- but he’d find out on his own time, even if they didn’t intend on telling him.

Why was he always out of the loop for these things?

Another thought came to him during all of this

“Sanity lingers in a dream…” He focused on the words that escaped his lips- the other three watch him deliberate with the same shared confusion “Do they mean a mental asylum? Because that’s the only thing that’s making sense to me right now”

“Huh, who would’ve thought that monsters could be poetic?” Dean sneers as he gets up and rubs the dirt from his jeans and worn out green flannel shirt “So we’re looking for an asylum with a big train? Is there even such a thing that-“

Dean stops midway, his index finger is pointed outwards and he starts shaking it profusely while the other is hidden in his pocket “Holy crap. It can’t be-“

“What?!” Sam turns towards him as he stands, his movements startle Dean but his eyes grew brighter the longer he kept talking to himself- reveling in information that he delayed on conveying. Castiel stands up as a response too, for once during all of this Crowley and him share a look of concern, but he ruins the moment by winking at him-he had no time for his antics but what else could he do when Sam and Dean are off gallivanting through their own machinations?

“Dean, can you please use words! Sentences even!” Sam waves his hands about as his anxious eyes bore into him, he’s laughing for some reason but his laughter subsides when Sam grabs him by the shoulders and shakes him immensely “Talk. Now.”

“Sammy, it’s gotta be that. The Shangri-la of all things supernatural, a hotspot and haven for dead things and creepy crawlies. Am I getting to you yet?”

Sam’s eyes widen as he takes a hesitant step back- Castiel and Crowley grow more confused as they walk towards them “You can’t be serious right? That was just some tourist trap that’s all there is”

“Yeah but what if it was a factually correct tourist trap?”

“Dean…it can’t be that place, it doesn’t make sense! You used it as some ghost story to scare me when I was a kid-“

“Yeah well I didn’t know any better either. That’s the only thing I can come up with right now. It had that demon ghost train thing- you remember that?- and it has the word ‘sanitorium’ in it- I’m pretty sure it's over a river too- or was it a lake?”

“It was a river. And yes I remember the train, I still haven’t recovered from the way you used to torture me with it” Sam clenches his jaw as the fear in his eyes bruise his stoic demeanor “But it still doesn’t – the whale in the sky?”

“…”

“…Dean?” He questions him as he raises his eyebrow.

“I’m working on that part- but I mean the other parts fit though, you gotta give me credit for that at least”

“Dean wasn’t that place used to treat patients with tuberculosis? Then it wouldn’t really count as a mental asylum, right?”

“That’s one side of the story Sammy, I mean we’ve done enough cases to know that these places never really do just one thing…”

“Can you please include us in your chatter too? Emo boy and I are bored over here” Crowley pokes Castiel with his elbow and walks forward “But I think I get the gist of what place you’re talking about, kind of one of my favorite hangouts back in the day. So many souls up for grabs for little old me*

“Weren’t you a cross roads demon? Why would you even be there?” Dean comments back with a genuine question.

“Well just because I was one doesn’t mean I couldn’t branch out”

Dean rolls his eyes as he catches glimpses of Castiel and Sam until he gave his full attention to the angel. He walks over to him, just inches away from his chest “You think you can see to it? I mean all things point to The Waverly Hills Sanitorium- it has your train and your river, and I bet it’s big enough for a whole army of those things”

“Woah-woah- Dean, we decided we aren’t going to let him out of our sight! And you’re telling him to go check? Alone?” Sam places his hand on Castiel who stands blank between them.

“Yes, Sam. Because I don’t see any other way for us to know for sure, especially the bit about the whale in the riddle”

“Dean you can’t just-“

“I don’t like it any better than you do, Sam. I fucking hate it, okay? What choice do I have?”

“We do- and we can do it together” Sam peers into his eyes- he’s trying to convince him somehow and Castiel could see that he was wavering with his harsh tone “We’re not prepared for this thing, weapons and all- we can’t just send Castiel there where he won’t be able to defend himself. We need a plan”

“Oh I do have a plan and it involves using angel bait, we know he’s more than capable of handling them- hell he managed to make **contact** with the thing and even then he refused to say anything about **how** he’s doing it. So I don’t know if-“

A pause, a sigh from his lips and an uncomfortable head shake ensues.

Castiel feels tethered

Replaced

Easily forgotten

If only he wasn’t here to hear him say that

“I don’t think I trust you anymore, Cas”

“Dean, what the hell?” Sam shakes his head with disappointment and gets closer to Castiel, who has been eerily quiet this whole time “Cas, we’re just getting messed up by all of this- things have been strange with you and we-“

“Don’t feel pity for me, Sam. And don’t try to defend your brother’s grievances and concerns with me” he finally speaks up as he pushes through and stands in front of them- Sam’s gaze is defensive but still kinder towards him, but Dean has a cold stare- his marble eyes glistening in the pale, grey evening glow, his lips so full of cuts and shackled cries, his disheveled blonde hair that hides his battered skull. So full of remorse. And so full of love and anger and soul and galaxies worth of anguish, how can I get to you there?

_This is my Dean_

_But he chooses to hurt me so_

_No matter how much I try to keep myself away from him_

_He keeps dangling at my feet, pulling me back in_

“You don’t trust me? I don’t care that you do- I only care about the matter at hand and how I can set things right. So even if you don’t trust my intuition or my motive- know this much, Dean; I wouldn’t be here, I would **never** be here if it meant I couldn’t save you. So this is me trying, you ass”

Sam and Dean stare at him in shock, it almost amused Castiel making them see him this way- in this demeanor and at his choice of words- because frankly he needed to set things straight with them and if this was the only way they understood- then so be it.

Crowley snickers quietly on the side, this encounter had amused someone else too at least “The bloody balls on this guy! Hahaha! I take everything back, I like this new version of him” 

“There is no new version, this was always me- I just never thought it would come to this.”

“Cas… I didn’t-“ Dean speaks up again, his eyes still wide but with a little more resolve floating in them.

“Save it. We don’t have time for something like this- if we intend on going together I expect that we go now, before any of you screw things up with your stupidity”

“Now hold up a minute Cas-“ Dean waves his hands in the air as he marches towards him- but Castiel raised his hand with a rigid look in his eyes, Dean stopped dead in his tracks the moment he made contact “I do not wish to speak to you, I thought I could help out but your hostility is what’s causing problems here, and it’s not just me who feels that way” Castiel looks at Sam- who gulps uncomfortably behind Dean “I am choosing to stay because I am not strong enough alone- my source of power isn’t infinite, I grow weaker the more I use it so I intend on preserving it till the time is right. And also Sam is the only one I’m not furious with, so I intend to keep his word and still save you, because even with your antics the world needs you now…more than ever” Castiel lowers his gaze and his hand, he hadn’t spoken his truth for quite some time now- its baffling how he felt and what he’s been feeling for a really long time now.

_Is this really who I am?_

He pauses and walks away in the other direction, his coat swaying in the air as he never turns back, only until he reached their truck at least. Sam felt a small grin appear but he knew better and held it in, he turned to Dean who is still glued in place- his face depraved and sullen from the interaction. “Lets get going, we have a long way to go” Dean sniffles and walks towards the other side of the camp, his body loose and almost crumbling away with every step he took. Sam saw how broken he felt from his gestures, Castiel knew that too but somehow there was more missing than explained between the two of them. He shakes his head with a small frown and gestures towards Crowley to help pick everything up, the more the merrier I suppose?

He watches them stand far away from each other, Castiel is sitting in the truck's carrier, holding his chest and breathing deeply. Dean does the same, but he stands alone near the hollow drained trees, stifling whatever emotion he felt now, something he’s been doing his entire life.

_My broken halo is dim and lazy upon my brow_

**_You seem so endless to me_ **

_But you still love_

**_Endlessly worthy and endlessly loved_ **

_I wish I could promise you eternity_

**_What chance did I ever have in something so vast?_ **

The wind strums away their sordid thoughts, everything is as it should be.

Tangled yet separate


	3. Log 22.0: Gone for now

His eyes are hazy upon the foggy glass, his vision blurry by the moving landscapes and the dying iridescent sky- it’s getting darker and colder now in the truck and he fights the urge to fall asleep. Sam gazes outside his window too; with Dean behind the wheel they journey through narrow roads and uninhabited towns- 2 to be exact. All of those neighborhoods looked the same- toppled over items and road blocks, broken house locks and sometimes even barred up doors and windows, his guilt is never-ending, all of this? Because of?-

Dean coughs as he changes gear, kind of like he knew he was rambling on in his head- he always had strange instances with him- he never understood why. He hasn’t been able to understand a lot of things that have been happening for the past few years, decades? Eons? Everything haunts him it seems.

“Cas?” Sam conjectures in a hushed tone with his neck slightly twisted, Castiel can only see half of his face in this dim lighting “I know…I know if you think badly of us but there’s something we’ve been meaning to ask you for quite a while”

“I don’t think badly of you Sam”

“Umm. Well that’s a start at least” he grins awkwardly and gives off a stunted laugh “Anyways, the source of your powers… is it something we should be concerned about? You interacting with the creatures we’re after? There are a lot of things that you keep hiding from us for some reason, why do you-”

“I will try to tell you at some time, Sam. But I can’t tell you yet”

“And why is that?”

“Because…” Castiel’s eyes lock into the rearview mirror for some reason, as if his instincts knew someone would be looking back at him. Dean watches him closely; he didn’t even consider looking at the road while he did it.

“….Because? I don’t really know. It’s just something I need to know, something I need to confirm if it’s possible” he rubs his hands slowly, he sounds like a broken record and he feared he was testing their patience a little.

“Cas, we’re literally going with you on a whim- is that really the answer you’re giving right now?”

“It’s the only answer I have”

Sam twitches in his usual way, his concern and hesitancy evident from his eyes, Castiel knew what he had to do and involving them any further would just make things worse.

“My powers… are strange, Sam. I’m much stronger, a lot stronger than I’ve been in years. But it’s finite, it drains me the longer I keep using it. I don’t know how I procured it and how much longer it’ll be until it’s gone again, all I know is that they hold the answers to this world and it may be your only chance to fix things”

“Our chance?” Dean breaks his silence as he speeds up; Sam looks at the acceleration with caution “Why are you so hell bent on saving our asses? What are you trying to hide from us?”

“I told you already, I don’t know. Your lives will not be risked I can tell you that much, alright?”

“That’s not even what I asked, Damn it Cas you really have the nerve to talk to me like that, especially after everything”

“You don’t make it very easy to be around you, Dean”

“Oh so I’m the one to blame? Me?” he blinks with frustration in his harsh tone, his eyes ablaze by the green iris that falters within them.

“You know that isn’t what-”

“You know what? I think I’m really tired, Sam will you do the honors?” he pushes on the break so hard that the truck makes a menacing screeching sound, Sam and Castiel both lose their balance and use their hands to keep themselves firm in place. Dean gets out of the truck and opens Castiel’s door with brute force, his eyes suggesting something he doesn’t understand.

“Scooch over”

“Excuse me?” Cas responds in a hostile way, but a little more screechy than intended

“I wanna sleep at the back so scooch over”

“Well I’m sitting at the front then”

“No, your shotgun privileges have been revoked and hence you’re going to stay back here”

“Then why are you even sleeping at the back if you’ll have the same amount of room at the front?”

“Seriously? Have you seen Sam?”

Castiel looks at Sam, he’s completely taken aback by Dean’s behavior and honestly he felt as powerless as him right now.

“Are you seriously going to do this? Right now in the middle of the road?”

“Yes” and with that he forces himself into the back seat, pushing Cas inside into his corner while he made himself comfortable in his, Castiel held his head in his hands, just completely embarrassed by his antics.

“There’s space out here if any of you brats want to join me” Crowley taps on the back side window as he sits in the carrier, his teeth white in the darkness.

No one responded to his sarcasm, Sam kind of felt bad that he was sitting outside but he insisted on doing just that, claiming that he couldn’t bother with their drama any longer.

You know what? He doesn’t feel that bad anymore.

But he can see what he meant

“Dean, can’t you just-” Castiel squirms in his seat as he tries to open the door on his side, but the lock wasn’t working! “What the hell? Why isn’t it working?! Sam, open this door!” he pulls on the handle excessively, but the door is still stuck

“Whoops, well I guess you jammed it real good Cas. Real good” Dean beams with his smug grin; he makes himself comfortable as he stretches his legs about, leaving close to no wiggle room for Castiel.

He is infuriated

“You think testing me is wise?”

“No, but it is pretty damn fun” Dean places his head in his seat comfortably- well, as comfortable as he could- and crosses his arms. He chaps his lips and closes his eyes slowly; he was actually going to sleep in this confined space? Castiel grew more annoyed the longer he felt himself be crushed by his legs. Sam mouths a ‘sorry’ through the rearview mirror and starts driving again, this time with a little less force.

Dean still has his arms crossed with his tilted head, his shuffling stopped within a few minutes and he was out like a light, Castiel still stayed awake, feeling a little less claustrophobic the more Dean moved in his sleep, which was a lot.

It’s completely dark outside; you couldn’t really see what was in the distance, a few run down houses and gas stations maybe? But there was no electricity surging through any of those structures. It felt like they were a submarine floating in the darkest depths of the ocean, Castiel grew worried the longer he stared, how could Sam even see where he was going? He looks up and does see a road going somewhere, he kept exchanging glances from a marked map, just swivels and pencil drawings all spewed about the page. He wished he never asked to stay here, but the longer he forced himself to stay away the more he felt compelled to self-destruct.

_Such a pitiful thing you are_

At that moment he feels something brush upon his left shoulder, he looks instantly and is completely torn up at the sight- wide eyes, red cheeks and all.

Dean snuggles on his shoulder and positions himself comfortably, he doesn’t think he’s doing this consciously, but even looking at him this way he wanted to implode. He finally manages to find the right angle and settles down, his arms aren’t crossed but lay freely over his thighs. He has his natural cinnamon musk that’s overwhelming Castiel, how did he manage to still smell like that even now? Was he just imagining things again? He felt himself tremble as his hair tickles his cheek, Castiel melts into his presence and allows himself to place his head on top of his, making sure he didn’t wake him. He knows how defensive he gets if he’s ever caught doing something like this.

He looks so beautiful in this darkness, that’s all Castiel could think of.

_Beautiful_

He feels himself smile as he buries his nose in his hair, his cheek grazing his head gently as he nuzzles a bit, he’s embarrassed by his actions, so flushed and so drained but even so he felt at ease, in the back of his mind he knew he might not have time left for leisure such as this.

_You don’t deserve this_

_You don’t deserve any of this_

Castiel closes his eyes with vehemence; he didn’t want these thoughts at all, just for now.

Not now.

The both of them breathe in unison, their long lashes buzzing with the truck’s vibration.

So tangled up in one another, as if puzzle pieces and bones merging without realizing it. To be drawn to one another even if every instinct tells them otherwise, so viciously these faithless beings consume each other even if they bleed each other dry. To feel erased, to live in a repressed memory- they know nothing else but that. Always finding each other in the corpses they leave behind.

But now they can’t.

They just can’t.

_A weightless touch upon my chest wakes me from my musings_

_Playful eyes look back into my wandering skies_

_Skies so colorful by the sight of you_

_Of ember red and obsidian blues_

_That your honey green do compliment_

_Our laughter so sublime it melts us into each other_

_Of kisses that couldn’t be fathomed by mere beings_

_Who cannot understand this carnal delight_

_This delight that leaves me weightless in your arms_

_And almost kilned anew into any person I longed to be_

_Of any person you longed to be_

* * *

He shuffles through his notes, all disheveled pages with their corners folded or torn, he gazes at his black journal- it’s been a while since he wrote in it but the stinging in his eyes have something else in mind. Sam contemplates over his parchments and then looks up at the dreary sky; he’s placed his back on the hood of the car. As he lays on it he blocks the light entering his eyes- his hair spread out all over the rusty exterior. He pushes himself up from his elbows and watches the empty road twist and turn in the distance, the mountains blurry the farther they stretched out. Crowley is also roaming about near the gas station they had stopped at, randomly kicking a pebble or two with his head hung low. The Regal Gas station was one of the finer stops they’ve made, Sam didn’t even recall that this existed back in the day, to think of all the places they’ve travelled in America they haven’t done a case here in recent times? Dean would’ve loved this place- he thought, it had this diner attached to it, meat based dishes and a variety of cheeseburgers to choose from, not to mention a few vegetarian dishes even Sam could appreciate.

 _If only it wasn’t_ _the end of the world_

He frowns at the thought- a full tank of gas later and he still stayed here a lot longer than he had intended, they had a few good miles to cover but even then he just stopped himself for now, the throbbing in his head couldn’t have made things better anyways.

“When do you intend on waking them up? We need to get a move on you know” Crowley walks towards him, his neck buried under his jacket’s thick collar.

“Let them be for now, this is literally the only time they’re getting along”

“Heh, seems so”

Crowley stands beside Sam, adding his weight to the hood a little as he made himself comfortable “We haven’t really had time to talk either, did we? I mean… you always knew something was up and even I didn’t have the guts to admit it” he snickers in a strange way “I mean, they found the truck we so willingly abandoned because I got caught in the cross fire, you escaped with it and then they managed to find it? How do things like that even happen?”

“Honestly getting attacked by those werewolves might’ve been what brought us together now” Sam smiles at the irony “Why the hell did you think it was alright to ditch me midway?”

“They were werewolves! I couldn’t bloody remember what had attacked us! And I honestly can’t say why I considered being bait- I didn’t really have any other choice I suppose”

“I had the silver bullets Crowley, so you doing that was kind of pointless?”

“There was a horde Sam, how the hell could we have fended them off with one bloody gun? You know I had to come up with something at the time”

Sam rolled his eyes, completely bemused by his explanation “Sacrificing and being stupid are two separate things, you literally jumped out of the truck!”

Crowley has a disappointed pout on his lips “And here I was thinking that I did a noble thing”

“More theatric in my opinion”

“Now listen here you-” he turns with his clenched fists but calms himself quite immediately. Sam watched him look inside the truck; one of the two had woken up. Castiel’s eyes looked worn out even as he woke up and he rubbed them with the back of his hand, Dean still had his head placed on his shoulder and was happily dozed off, Cas suddenly remembers where he is and looks down at Dean, it was hard to tell what he felt as he looked at him, Sam wondered- but he hesitates moving away from him

He grabs Dean’s face gently and places him to the other side of the car, Dean moaned a bit while he did that but he didn’t wake- he never slept so deeply and even Cas knew, how is he not reacting? Sam watched Castiel slide out and instantly shields himself from the grey sun.

“Hello” he winces and squints

“Hey Cas. How are you feeling?”

“More or less the same. My body is stiff so it’s hard to move my muscles”

“I wonder why” Crowley mumbles as he fiddles with his thumbs and looks away. Sam tried to hide his laugh but couldn’t do so in time.

“Do not test me- both of you” he groans as he rubs his eyes with fervor “Why have we stopped?”

Sam slides off of the hood and stands with ease before he answers “A pit stop, we needed gas” he tries to stifle a yawn but couldn’t help himself “I thought maybe Dean would’ve liked to check this place out when he woke up, it may have some other supplies we can use from the general store”

“Then why didn’t you start beforehand?” he raises his eyebrow

“I got tired and didn’t realize how much time had passed really”

“And I wasn’t in the mood to help out much, in case you were wondering” Crowley interrupts again with the same nasty grin.

“Do you not get tired of your own existence, Crowley?” he glares angrily, Sam’s eyes bulge out in shock and he wasn’t sure whether he should applaud him for the response or be offended for Crowley.

Who seems completely unaffected, just by the way

“Look at that, Cassie’s flared up! Sammy boy and I know you’re mushy from the inside- a little more so for someone in particular” he winks sarcastically, sometimes Sam wonders how he managed to travel with the guy a few weeks back- but then he realizes that his obnoxious personality was missing that whole time. Castiel’s blue eyes watch with close intent but a shade of crimson starts to appear on his face- he was smart enough to turn away in time but the both of them knew already.

“I’m… going to go get some… stuff, for the journey” he walks away robotically, as if something was caught between his legs, all jittery and confused. Sam and Crowley watch him walk away towards the store.

“To think he’s a walking time bomb, how has he not told us anything?” Crowley questions Sam with his furrowed brow and his itchy scruffy beard.

“We can’t, no matter how much we want to- every time we try he always gets triggered somehow. The last time we did he vanished on us; we don’t think he’s here for us, at least- not completely”

“What do you think he’s planning?”

“There’s only one way to find out, and it’ll only happen when we reach the Sanatorium-“

“Yeesh, even for the king of hell that place has issues” Crowley shivers at the thought “It was fun but it got to you sometimes”

“I don’t get it though, it used to have scheduled visits before all of this happened, how did they manage to keep all of those things away?” Sam speaks out loud; he soon realizes that he’s answered his own question “Unless they kept them all at bay? Maybe they were all hunters...That’s actually really…”

“It’s fucking badass that’s what it is” the sound of a loud door emanates in the air. Sam and Crowley turn around simultaneously but compose themselves at the sight. Dean clears his throat and stretches his arms outward, he looked like a little kid with his frazzled hair and parted lips embracing the bleak sunlight- it suited him “When did we stop driving? I slept like a baby last night, kind of makes you forget that it’s the end of the world” he smiles wide as he stretches and cracks his bones from every angle.

“Shocking” Crowley mumbles again, Sam really needed to keep him in line before he says something even worse.

“Woah! What is this beauty? Where the hell did you find this place from? I don’t remember this being here at all” Dean beams towards his brother who only stares back at him lethargically “Wait, were you driving all night again?” he places his hand on his face but Sam swats it away.

“Yeah I did, we made-“

“That’s two nights in a row Sam! What the hell?”

“It’s not a big deal really, does it matter? We need to get going”

“How can I leave without checking this place out? Come on I wanna-“

“Then go, I was thinking you might want to so I stayed but we really need a move on, Cas hasn’t come back yet either”

Dean’s playfulness dimmed down a bit when he mentioned his name, but there was this strange eagerness that lingered beneath the surface “So come on, let’s go in and check it out, we’ll get the angel and leave”

“I’m kinda exhausted Dean, I think I’ll wait this one out, my head’s been killing me for a while now. You both go on ahead if-”

“Woah I am not leaving you here with this guy”

“Then-” Sam waves his hands in the air out of frustration “What do you want then? Can you make up your mind for once?!” his head shakes excessively with his floppy brown locks. Dean got offended after his statement and pointed at him as he spoke.

“Wait here, and stay awake. I’ll go get Cas and we’ll move on. But STAY AWAKE”

Sam clenches his jaw again, sheer annoyance seeping from his face but he was too tired to retaliate so he nodded and walked towards the backseat door. Crowley still stands with his wide eyes wandering over Dean.

“I’ll be watching you like a hawk” Dean looks him up and down with an angry grimace

“Well enjoy the view” Crowley chuckles as he walks away from him, settling himself in the front seat, his eyes never leaving him.

Dean shrivels by the strange eye contact and chooses to move forward, he amazes himself sometimes- willingly talking to the person he wants to avoid the most? What was wrong with him? His hesitation takes him a while but he finally manages to take his first steps. The diner/store/gas station was quite extravagant for the location, Dean was shocked it didn’t have a ditzy motel attached to it- this would’ve been the perfect place for them to hang out- Sam with his wifi and salads and Dean with his crates of beer and endless supply of cheeseburgers, and it being near a frickin river? What beats that honestly? He sees the dim strip of water lay siege in the tall grass behind it, the world felt a lot bigger to him all of a sudden- no walls and runes left to protect him.

Not anymore.

The diner’s red roof panel glowed in the full grey sun, it wasn’t even red anymore but somehow it’s rusty color made him think of it that way, beige brick walls and glass sliding doors all dust and cobweb infested, it was disappointing to see it end up this way. He marches on and reaches the glass doors and slips his hands in between them and starts to push them sideways. The rust and the screeches didn’t make it easier for him but he still held on and persevered – the gap getting wider and wider the more he did. After the desired opening he stopped and dusted his hands off on his jeans and blinked with zeal, the darkness inviting him in.

“You could’ve gone through the store entrance, you dumb ass” he hears Crowley and his directed comment, Dean chooses to ignore it because he didn’t want to embarrass himself further.

He steps inside

The harlequin tiled floor stretched for what felt like miles, old framed pictures of musicians hung lazily over rusted nails, clock handles stopped and crooked as it hovered above rotten mantles and faded kaleidoscopic wallpapers. This diner had a theme to it, booths oozing with the color red that complemented the black and white floors- a bit tacky for Dean’s taste but it still fascinated him- a lot more than he’d like to admit. The countertops were empty with dainty bottles of mustard, syrup and ketchup lying about, a lonely small old silver bell that no one had pressed in years and old glass containers for the bakery items that were once a part of the world he once knew with the menu cards completely abandoned and enveloped by dust. Dean looks away and ponders more over the ceiling- the cracks inviting him in the more he stretched his neck, what was this feeling inside him?

He blinks again as he holds back a cough- but he couldn’t contain it- especially after he caught sight of it.

**Can’t be?**

**A jukebox?**

“No fucking way” he mutters as he jogs towards it, his hands didn’t hesitate as he wiped the soot like texture off the glass screen. An old and small record player sits lazily inside it, the list of songs a bit blurry to him but still legible. Dean cups his eyes and pushes the buttons that flip the song sheets but to his dismay the old thing wasn’t working “Why did I even think this would work?” he talks to himself with a disappointed head nod. He steps away from its auburn texture and dusts his hands again, but this time more slowly.

Until a sound makes him stop

His confusion is clear in his eyes and parted lips, he turns with no hesitation in his movements and seeks for the source- oddly enough he felt like he knew where it was coming from and the thought kind of worried him. He sees a dim glow from the glass screen of the jukebox, at first the static sounds were distorted and unpleasant to the ears but it regulated within a few seconds- Dean keeps staring at it with his wide eyes- watching how the cards started to flip on their own, he gets close enough to see a small record be switched over and replaced by another, the clicking sounds seemed so ancient to him the longer he tried to process any of this.

And then he hears a scratch that booms into a crisp sound, a familiar guitar that echoed and swam around him. He felt the strangest compulsion by it- as if nothing could compare.

> _Leaves are falling all around_
> 
> _It’s time I was on my way_
> 
> _Thanks to you I’m much obliged_
> 
> _For such a pleasant stay_

“Fuck!” he grasps onto his hair and pulls gently, the emotion and the sound just booming in his ears “I can’t believe it had this song… I haven’t heard it in…” Even with his trembling voice he knew he had to reason with himself, he just couldn’t help it.

> _But now it’s time for me to go_
> 
> _The autumn moon lights my way_
> 
> _For now I smell the rain_
> 
> _And with it pain_
> 
> _And it’s headed my way_

He didn’t want to think it but he could feel him, his steps dulled out by Plant’s bustling music and moans, all very good by the way “I thought you weren’t supposed to use your powers” he raises an eyebrow and turns around slowly, his eyes warm and inviting the moment he looked at him. Castiel walks slowly but his eyes are tired with his hands buried in his pockets- but a small smile on his dry lips.

“I thought the situation demanded it, so I made an exception”

“Aah, you making an exception for me? Feels like old times again”

> _Ah, sometimes I grow so tired_
> 
> _But I know I’ve got one thing I got to do_
> 
> _Ramble on_
> 
> _And now’s the time, the time is now_
> 
> _To sing my song_

“How are you, Dean?” Castiel speaks in his soft voice but even with the loud music Dean could understand him, scarily so.

“I’ve been better… this song made me feel much, much better-most definitely- so uhhh… thanks, for that”

“You don’t need to thank me”

“Can you just…” Dean holds back an exasperated sigh, his eyes shut as he got his point across “… Never mind, let’s just forget I said anything” Dean says this but still doesn’t look away while Castiel does, his gulps weak and hard in his throat. Dean senses this from him, he always has- even after all these years nothing has changed between them, or is he holding onto the past?

“Cas? Can we? Should we?” he scratches the back of his head, completely bruising his ego the harder he tried to form a sentence “We need to talk”

“I’m listening” his voice melts into the loud song, how was it able to do that?

“About… about where we’re going and what we’re going to do- do you really think it’s going to work? This plan you refuse to tell us about?”

He hesitates for a while, his blue eyes scrolling the floor as he does “It’s a plan that will be successful, something that has a high risk for me but it promises your safety, and saving everyone else”

“What is the plan, Cas?” Dean steps in closer, his head low as he tries pulling Cas’ eyes back into his own.

“I need information, something that can be used against them. My grace is something that can do that and with it I’ll find a way to-”

“We’ll find a way”

Castiel is taken aback by his interruption but he continues nonetheless “We’ll… find a way to conjure up a spell that can reverse everything and…”

“And?” Dean eyes him again and this time he does look up, his stare a lot darker than he had wanted.

“And… well. That’s what I intend on doing, undoing what has been done by my hand”

“You know, we used to confide in each other about stuff like this, not so long ago. But now it’s all secrets this and mission that- you and Sam have been yanking my chain for quite some time now. And I’ve had it- Sam may have learned his lesson but I’m still waiting on you to…” he stops and scratches his chin and nose, Castiel could sense how much he was holding himself back and he couldn’t help but look at him with his pleading eyes, he doesn’t know what he’s asking of him, but Castiel wanted it. Anything that could make him stop feeling this way “Time after time, we’ve been through hell and back- this is just the same, so level with me man- whatever you’re doing, will it take you? Do those things have some control over you or- what is going on, Cas? Because I’m sure as hell confused about all of this- about us and about…”

His dewy green eyes wander over his face- he felt so ugly and ashamed as he looked at him- just fighting the urge to erase himself somehow. But Dean keeps looking, swallowing hard and breathing slowly in front of him.

“You”

> _I guess I keep on rambling_
> 
> _I’m gonna- yeah-yeah-yeah_
> 
> _Sing my song- I gotta find my baby_
> 
> _I gotta ramble on, sing my song_

“Do you trust me, Dean?”

“I want to, so should I?”

They stare at each other a little while longer- a massive rift between them just slowly consuming the air around them.

> _I can’t find my bluebird_
> 
> _I listen to my bluebird sing_
> 
> _I can’t find my bluebird_
> 
> _I keep rambling, baby_
> 
> _I keep rambling, baby_

“Maybe it’s best if you don’t. Because I know you…despise me, even if you don’t say it I know- but this is me trying to prove myself to you, just this one last time- before everything I know goes away”

“Why will it go away, Cas?”

“It’s… a price that I have to pay”

“You will do no such thing, do you understand? Promise me that, Cas”

“Dean you can’t…”

“Promise me. That’s all I want you to do, just **promise me** – that whatever happens we have each other’s backs? That we’re not going into something with a different plan in mind? That we’ve… we’ll figure this all out somehow? Can you do that Cas?” Dean’s the one pleading now; it tears him apart just to look at him and hear his tone, why does he allow himself to be so vulnerable around him?

_Don’t you see Castiel? Look at what a mess you’ve made of him_

“I…” he breathes with difficulty “I… promise”

_Liar_

“Do you mean that?” Dean takes a step closer, the strangest emotions surging through their breaths and words- it was intoxicating them both

“I…” he wavers in his voice, he thought he had it together but the longer he looked at him the more compelled he felt- he wanted to tell him everything, how much these past 6 years have been torturous for him, to playing cards and scavenging and trading through nasty tricks, to crying himself to sleep every night because he couldn’t fathom what he had inside of him- or what he lacked. To have his blurred images torment him even if he forced himself to not think of someone long forgotten- to breathe without feeling his bones crack every time, to allow himself to feel this way without punishing himself for it.

To just **be**

But he couldn’t. How could he say all of this to someone he’ll lose all over again?

It doesn’t matter

So he lies

“I mean it” his stoic tone is back, his stare is deafening and numb in Dean’s eyes- something he’s felt from the old Castiel multiple times, but it’s the soldier of God version that he fears is speaking to him right now.

**He knows he’s in there somewhere**

**He just needs to pull him out somehow**

But he doesn’t know how

“Alright” Dean nods as he chaps his lips, he glares at him a while longer- seeing how it tests him

He still looks away from time to time before Castiel walks away towards the sliding doors that Dean opened before “I’ll wait outside for you”

“Wait-”

Cas turns around instantly even if every bone in his body was telling him not to- but he could never admit to himself that Dean’s voice always drew him back somehow.

“Would you mind if?” Dean points towards the jukebox awkwardly, his finger bent sluggishly towards it as he flashes his teeth weakly; Castiel couldn’t help but smile at him- no matter how stupid he looked. He pulls his hand out of his trench coat’s pocket and makes a slow twisting motion with his hand- as if turning a dial. Dean hears the record scratch and the play button be pressed again- the same guitar fills the air and roars through the empty diner. Dean closes his eyes to revel in the feeling once more but senses his footsteps going farther away from him.

“Hey!” He calls out to him, making sure he didn’t imagine him sneaking out- but Castiel was almost out of the door before he stopped. He turns around, the light hitting on him in such a way that he stood out only as a silhouette, his coat blowing strikingly from the dim wind and his hands placed on the sides, the coat clinging onto his chest and the twisted thin tie that hung idly around his neck- Dean couldn’t see his face properly but the curves and texture of his skin was something he wouldn’t forget, at least not again.

“Stay with me? Just for this song?”

Castiel watches him ask- the same swelling pours over his body and he felt compelled all over again.

_Nothing could compare?_

Dean admits defeat- assuming that he wouldn’t stay so he turned away. That gesture hurt Castiel- he didn’t want it to but it did. Why couldn’t he just let things go for once?

_Could I ever?_

Dean blinks and hums the tune that floats in the air- he lets the song flow over him once more, he forces himself to think of nothing more- only the song remains, only the song **remains**

He feels a tug at his side, or so he thought. But upon opening his eyes he sees him, his crystalline stare the same as he had always remembered them, the shakes in his hands subside and he smiles at him- Castiel mimics his gestures and starts humming too- failing miserably at it.

He smiles again, knowing not what lies ahead. They only knew that the song remained

And they did too.

> _I keep rambling, baby_
> 
> _I keep **rambling**_


	4. Log 23.0: Lost in these days with you

**Some Day, 6 years ago**

_He doesn’t remember much from that day_

_Only fragments of sand being swallowed between his toes, the wind buzzing inside his bleeding ears. A dangling body just walking endlessly towards a destination unknown- he doesn’t remember much from that day, you see._

_The trees were dull and morose in his drenched eyes, the sky a daunting black to him but it really wasn’t- at least he felt that it wasn’t. He keeps walking as his feet bore endless cuts and bruises all over the ground with his bloody footprints leaving their mark- a wounded animal just roaming the earth until its dying breath. If only he could remember anything from that day._

_He treks upon a road now, broken spotlights and faded signboards hover in his view- but nothing made sense- he just keeps walking forward. It seems that an empty chasm awaited him somewhere but he just couldn’t remember where. He awoke near a river bank and just continued walking ever since, hoping he’d find the edge of the world sooner or later and just-_

**_Drop_ **

**_Dead_ **

_He doesn’t remember much from that day_

_He remembers wooden chains and bracelets upon a beautiful wrist completely cut open and pouring over your hand- your caress heals the wound and a blinding light breathes into existence, their hand continues to hold you together._

_You remember the moles on their skin and the vibration from their laughs and their cries- of their prayers and their seething hatred of you, those green pools that only burnt the scars on your faded wings. But you always came back._

_No, not really._

_You do not remember_

_He sees skyscrapers above in the torn up sky, all neat and ready to collapse over him- a shrill fear resides inside of you and its unnerving screeches continue to pull you in. The Edge of the world looked so beautiful from here- oh to end yourself in this way would be a dream._

_But sadly, he doesn’t remember much from that day._

_He remembers_

_He remembers?_

_He remembers a…_

_Song?_

“Lost in your thoughts again?”

You see the roads zooming past you again with Sam snoozing peacefully behind- Dean drives the truck with less intensity than before- for some reason he wanted you to sit in the front seat this time as he pushed Crowley away. Even the smallest gesture like that made you contemplate over every decision you’ve made in your life here on earth. A smile breaks upon your drained face as he awaits your answer; you felt like talking to him right now for some reason and Dean felt the same even with his mammoth brother shuffling in his sleep.

“Do you remember the day of the collapse? Or the days-maybe weeks- after, really”

“Well, I thought I did, but I’m not so sure anymore. Why are you asking me that?” he raises his eyebrows and looks back at you from time to time.

“I think I remember now. Where I was and what happened”

Dean listens intently as he gulps softly

“I got hit by a car, after endlessly walking towards something- I can’t recall what it was but there was something- those scars are all gone now; anything that Balthazar and his group created that day all gone. Zachariah and Alex-”

“The angel douche Zachariah? Jeez, now that I think about it he was there the day we met. Well, technically the second time we met” Dean smirks awkwardly and you can see him fighting the urge to ask more “To think I didn’t remember him at all. But do you think he-?”

“No, they never would’ve saved me if they did”

The truck crosses by an abandoned barn shed with its brown fences scattered about, you see a cobblestone well and how serene the blades of grass looked around it; you find yourself lost again in those hues.

“Yikes, you really were powerful enough to make everyone forget about you huh?” Dean speaks under his breath; clearly trying to be unsubtle with his words. You turn towards him and try to find the words yourself but you only swallow uncomfortably as he glares at you- he senses your hesitation and turns away, his grip tightening around the wheel.

You wanted nothing but to tell him how sorry you were; but this wasn’t the time or place to say it. You wanted it to mean something when you get the chance, a chance at rewriting your wrongs all over again.

That would be your goodbye to him and Sam.

_Something that would mean something to him when you’re gone._

_A sense of-_

_Permanence._

* * *

**January 28 th, 5 years ago**

The wind blows over the scraps of cloth above him- a melancholic breeze just whistling in the cuts and tears as the clouds carry themselves away from his view. The tent wasn’t as big as he wanted it to be but from where he laid it seemed quite massive- the ceiling unreachable and the room wide and incomprehensible. He turns to his side and buries his nose in the dusty ruffled sheets of his mattress- it always made crunchy metallic sounds whenever he moved, the fact that he even managed to find one was a miracle on its own; a victory in these bleak moldy days.

“No wonder you don’t invite anyone here- everyone would want a piece of this. Not that its anything fancy but still” a thick voice echoes in his dusty chambers- even the small carpets couldn’t dull out his tone.

“Aah, Balthazar- what a nice surprise. To think I would be graced by your presence- and I thought I’d have a pleasant day today” he moans as he straightens himself on his springy mess and gets up with a grunt. He stands with a soft grin and the wrinkles deepening around his eyes, he wore a fitted grey t shirt and torn faded jeans, Castiel noticed that the dress coat was new and acknowledged it “Oh come now, I thought you liked having some friends around Castiel- don’t I count as one?” he muses as he fiddles with a few decorative pieces on his nightstand and metallic drawers “How do you even find these things intact honestly? Did you rob a furniture store or something?”

“Actually, yes- and a few abandoned houses here and there. But its mostly from gambling- not my finest moment but what can you do?” he sneers over his explanation and slowly pulls away the tabby cat ornament Balthazar had in his hand- a small gesture like that made him walk away and move on with his conversation “Nothing more we can do, this is just how things are now so might as well gamble away!” his hands motion towards the sky as the emphasis in his tone dies down slowly “Which reminds me, the guys and I haven’t seen you around for a while- they clearly don’t care about you personally because they hate how you rob them of their victory- but me? Seeing how I’m the only one in this…. You get the picture”

Castiel trims the growing ends of his beard with a pair of yellow scissors- the mirror had blotches and irremovable black stains on it but the clear parts were enough for him to do a somewhat decent job- not like he cared about looking at himself “You know why- I just can’t stand being there all the time; the so called grunting and profanities they toss at me after every game- the smell of beer and other substances I don’t want to name- not to mention the-”

“Alright, alright I get the picture- but seriously you think ignoring them would be the wise choice? They were the ones who found you all those years ago when you were dazed and almost completely out of it. Don’t you think you owe it to them for that at least?”

“I never asked to be saved”

“And we know that! But times are hard for everyone Castiel; you’re not the only one with problems anymore because frankly we’re all a little bit fucked in the head after everything that’s happened”

Castiel walks around in his dusty enclosure with a tired grin- he seems aged in these past few moments the more he concentrated on Balthazar’s musings, but something lurks underneath his eyes, the vague obelisks wandering to and fro.

“All I’m saying is…just catch up with us from time to time? Maybe join us for some piss drinks as well? It wouldn’t hurt to socialize a bit honestly- we’re kind of all you got- right?”

“I don’t know if I want to”

“And why is that?”

“It just seems like everyone has moved on except me? That I’m the only one who still hasn’t grasped over the world ending up this way. You really think I should continue living like this just because I was saved by a bunch of… poachers?”

“That’s kind of a harsh term to give us; I mean we only rob people who tend to screw us over before they can”

“But our plan is to always screw them over, period. We never intend on helping them- **good people** or even **people just trying to survive** ”

“Come on! You don’t really mean that, you had fun doing those jobs with us too- we did what we had to”

“I never had fun, and you know that. I’ve always confided in you regarding their tactics but you never really did anything to stop it”

“No one stopped the apocalypse, how can little old me stop how the world works now?” his eyes bulge at him even with his calm tone, it’s as if he’s being shoved in a corner and being told that whatever he does or feels- it would never amount to anything because the world wasn’t ready for it anymore; Castiel wanted nothing more than for him to leave him- but his powerlessness got the better of him.

“You’re no saint, Castiel”

_I’m not. I know I’m not._

“I never liked it- just robbing those people…leaving them with nothing or letting them fend for themselves with nothing to…how does any of that sit well with you?”

“Who said it did?”

Balthazar stared with no ounce of remorse, he simply chapped his lips and looked annoyed by Castiel’s hesitant tone- how has he managed to live this long with them and still feel like he didn’t belong? Was he missing something?

“Balthazar- I want nothing to-”

“I know you don’t, boy. But listen to me when I say this- they aren’t easy people- they’ve seen how the world is and they decided to take it-regardless of how much of their humanity is lost from it. I just want you to know that if you even plan on getting out, **think again**. Because the world out there will be ready to swallow you whole the second you get out and with your track record you tend to get in way over your head- or may I remind you how you were like 5 years ago?”

It stung him the longer he spoke, Castiel didn’t know what else to say really- was this how it was supposed to be? It couldn’t be, right?

“I’ll keep in touch, Balthazar” he mumbles without even looking at him. He hears his exasperated sigh and then the heavy footsteps that followed suit- solace ensues once more as he stands idly with the veins in his wrists thumping an innumerable amount.

He never wanted this

_Any of this_

**August 5 th** **, Present Day**

“And you expect me to hang out with them why?”

“I don’t expect anything Castiel- I’m just giving you a heads up that’s all. There are hungry wolves out here that may eat you to the bone- human and monster alike. So maybe it’s alright if you count on someone else for a change”

“Someone like you? You really love talking don’t you?” Castiel rolls his eyes as he dabs his face with a brown towel- Balthazar watches him cautiously; he couldn’t tell whether he wanted something or he was actually concerned about him “You definitely want something don’t you?” Castiel tested him - the perplexity completely apparent on Balthazar’s face the moment he said it.

“Damn it, was me asking about your life a giveaway?”

“No, you were better this time so I’ll give you that” Castiel smirks behind his towel- he couldn’t let him see his disappointment after all “Just spit it out- I don’t intend on testing my people skills today”

“Well, you see- there’s this opportunity that has come about recently. And I know what you’re thinking, that it’s just another snatch and grab from some old sod or that we’re scamming someone again, being poachers and what not. You see, he’s actually looking for someone and he said he needs some-how you say? Guiding?”

“What are you on about Balthazar? Whatever it is I want you to leave me out of it”

“How can I? I saw the poor man fighting for his life by an Arachne- he would’ve been a spider by now if I hadn’t seen him during my rounds. He wasn’t bitten thankfully but-”

“Is there honestly a point to this, Balthazar?” Castiel covers his face from the frustration- his endless talking was annoying him to the core.

“I was setting the premise if you don’t mind” He watches him from the corner of his eyes- clearly offended by his interruption “So anyways after countless minutes of me walking behind him and talking my way into his brain; he finally gave in and asked for my help- directions technically. And…”

“Balthazar” Castiel warned him- the bile in his throat lodging his breathing a bit

“I kind of told him I’ll take him… to the Edge… with you?”

“Are you kidding me? You know how dangerous that place is- you know and-”

“Oh hush now” Balthazar chimes with his annoyingly positive tone “He’s hiding something and honestly I think he’ll be useful to us”

“And you know this, how?”

“Because he knew what he was doing- he knew that the only way to kill the monster was to decapitate it”

“So? A lot of people decapitate things- it’s kind of the first option when something is hunting you”

“Not this guy, Castiel. The weapons he had- I only caught a glimpse of one but he was definitely skilled enough or at least smart enough to know what he was doing. I feel like he’d be a good addition to the group and that’s why I asked”

“Wait- you asked? What the hell is wrong with you-?”

“I mean I did! The others thought it was a good idea too!” He was waving his hands around defensively as Castiel pulled on his shirt collar aggressively “But nothing is confirmed! He said he’d only consider it if I took him to the Edge and at that time I could only think of you and how you know where it is and-”

“I can’t believe this…” Castiel lets him go and rubs his clammy hands on his face- he’s boiling from the inside out and he can’t even say anything that’ll change that “I can’t go back there- I just can’t, Balthazar. I can never set foot there again”

“Sigh. I was hoping you wouldn’t say that. It’s been 6 years already; can’t you just be done with it? Where’s the curiosity in you?”

“I’m not fond of thinking about ways that can kill me”

“I mean you’re literally the only person I know who’s come out of there alive. In one piece, Castiel! How can you say no to this especially at times like this?”

He looks away from him and paces himself slowly- Balthazar watches him impatiently but he knows he’ll take his time. He untangles his brown locks and rubs his temple; it felt as though he was going to change his mind and just look at him knowingly, he was hyping himself up honestly.

He never looked up

“I can’t. I just can’t”

Balthazar didn’t feel phased, just mildly annoyed really. He watches him groan silently as he places himself on his torn orange seat sluggishly- he still holds his head in his hands and refuses to look up at him.

_Déjà vu, huh?_

“You know. After everything these past few years I kind of wanted you to…actually act like a friend, just this once? Zach, Alex and the rest of them? They didn’t even want to keep a nutcase like you the moment you stepped into our path. But me? I thought better than that- I thought hey- give the guy a chance, he might actually surprise us. And you did…occasionally. But I guess it’s my own stupidity that might’ve gotten the best of me even now”

“If it were anything else…” Castiel breathes coarsely “Anything at all- you know I would’ve-”

“Huh, save it beef cake. I know the drill with you- no harm no foul. I’ll be back before you know it. And during the new guy’s initiation I’m going to push you up first, get your people skills back in order” he grins weakly as he leaves the beaten up tent. Castiel senses him leave and doesn’t do anything to stop him; he only stares at his shadow on the ground slowly slipping away.

_Slipping_

_Slipping_

_Falling_

_Gone_

* * *

“Hey Cas can you pass me that bag?” Sam stretches his hands out and stares at you for a response.

“Cas?” Dean pursues further after Sam pulls him in with his other hand.

“Yes?” you blink in an unsettling way as you look at the both of them sitting in the truck’s carrier “Oh, sorry Sam- here” you pull on the strap and hand over the dusty green bag to him with a comfortable look in your eyes. Sam smiles back but looks at Dean for affirmation, or something else really- the Winchester telepathy was a fascinating thing to encounter but this time it felt like he was telling him to do something, something Dean was hesitant about.

Why was he so hesitant with him? You knew why, but it bothered you nonetheless.

_He doesn’t trust me, after all_

Sam drags the bag away and calls on Crowley as he treads away from them; but Dean stays behind for some reason, his hand in his pocket and his stance tall above him. “Are you not coming? Don’t you want to eat?”

“No, I’ll stay here”

Dean shakes his head and continues to watch you with a concerned gaze “Alright, scooch” he places his hand on your right shoulder as you push yourself to the side- he places himself clumsily beside you, shoulders joined and legs outstretched towards the end of the truck, the comfort from it was innumerable. “So, Cas about your-”

“Did I ever ask you about Balthazar? About how he came to me before he left for your mission?”

“What? What does that have to do with anything?”

“He came to me, asked me to accompany you- but I didn’t go. And he got killed, in one way or another it was by my hands- yet again”

Dean watches you cautiously, his eyes wandering every inch of your face as he waited for you to continue

“But I saw you and… I didn’t even hesitate, at least not in the same way. Now I wonder that… if I agreed then, I could’ve seen you months before and maybe, just maybe I could’ve-”

“Cas...”

“No, my actions…my behavior has been questionable- what I became…I didn’t know who I was anymore. I was so…”

“You were you, Cas”

You look into his gentle gaze; his lashes flicker as he continues to look at and away from you from time to time, just like he’s always done- just like you’ve always remembered him do.

“You can go whine and complain about how much you wanted to change and how much you kept lying to yourself but honestly Cas, we’re all doing that. We’re all in this fucking…loop; you did what you had to-to make all of this a little bearable for yourself” he elbows you gently as he says this “but in the end it was you, Cas; the one that pulled through- the one you needed to be, the one who set things right” his smile is bright in the grey afternoon glow, you never realized how much you missed him in this one moment “That guilt of yours? It may never go away Cas; but you can sure as hell use it to heal, or maybe do something more”

“I don’t know what to do Dean, tell me what to do”

The tears start welling up again, you don’t mean for it to happen but it still comes across as childlike- this helplessness inside of you just wouldn’t stop resurfacing- you just couldn’t convey it the way you used to. Dean licks his lips and wraps his arm around you, he holds you in a tight embrace- you push away at first thinking you forced it from him but he only holds on to you more; the warmth from his touch was too intense to ignore and you just, let go. He smells of the seats and the cold, damp air around him, but still Dean.

“You’re not broken Cas, okay? You can push us away and grind yourself to the bone trying to fix things but man… you just gotta know when to stop, okay?” he pats the back of your head slowly as you bury your face in his endless layers of plaid “We’re a couple of old geezers still confused over which path to take or not- but we made it out, okay? We always did and you always did too” he pulls you away and cradles your face slowly, the reddening in your cheeks and your eyes slowly subsiding as he did “So what if you got lost along the way? In the end you found your way back to me, didn’t you? I could never keep you away, could I?” He chuckles with his manly laugh, you want to smile but for some reason you are unable to “We’re family, remember? We accept and we fight through it- pre or post apocalypse, okay? Am I getting through to you?”

You wander a bit more in his green eyes before you nod weakly you’re unconvincing by your gestures but Dean knows something may have stuck with you in some form or another you knew what he said was right even if he was the one having the most difficulty convincing you of it. Who could he fool with his words? He expected me to believe all of that?

_I wish I could see through him sometimes_

_The bleeding mess that he is_

_The fallen god that once marched along these lands with his head above the clouds_

_All lost to a past_

_Lost to the trenches of the reckoning_

_I willingly began_

_I wish I could see through you_

“Dean, I-”

You struggle with your words once more but this time you choose to let it slide and just let yourself **be**. Dean places his back slowly and you don’t hesitate to place your head on his shoulder- he’s surprised at your sudden clinginess but he watches you with the strangest look in his eyes- of ease and contentment. He wraps his arm around you again and you only welcome it even more as you steady your breathing with him.

“-Don’t you want to eat?” Dean questions you again

_Oh_

_It never?_

“I...” You loosen your tongue in your mouth as you try to say something, anything- until-

“I’m alright here, really”

Dean watches your weak gestures and hovers above you for a while longer until he turns his head to the side “You sure?” he asks in his withdrawn tone.

_No, not really_

“Yes. I’m-”

But before you could answer completely he was already off of the carrier and making his way towards the others- you stare at his slouched shoulders and the sullen expression he wears. Dean readjusts the items from their bags as Sam turns to look at you and then look away- his lips moving- most probably asking something.

To which he didn’t respond, but only looked up towards you.

_If only I could see through you_

**If only I could see through you**

_I am not broken_

_We were never broken_

_No_

_You do not remember_

**_You do not remember this day_ **


	5. Log 24.0: Falling Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone. I hope all of you are well and healthy both physically and mentally- I know its taken me a while to write this all down and I just hope you're still patient with me after all this time. This will be ending soon I swear! Hehe, I just thank you all for everything- for motivating me really and giving me some solace from writing this. I hope you all like it, and let me know how it is so far in the comments if you wish- I always love seeing comments regarding fanfics. 
> 
> Much love.

**Days pass inside this confinement, hours and hours of steering, breathing, leaving this shell of a vehicle and then starting all over again. Most hours it’s just Sam and me at the front- he still continues to doze off and glare outside his window; empty fields and warehouses tend to appeal to him more it seems; but we both know he’s trying to keep himself calm for everyone’s sake-but for some strange reason that gets to me- the constant secret keeping and the vagueness lurking in our words to each other. But it’ll pass soon, right?**

**Our stops are more frequent but excessively short-Crowley rambles on about something that we all choose to ignore most of the time while Cas pretends to listen intently**

**And then he looks at me and for some reason it all crumbles**

**Piece by piece**

**Sanity by sanity**

**Everything I feel just gets lost in those glacier like eyes- more so than I want to admit honestly**

**It’s hard to even look at him sometimes- does this ever stop? Will this ever stop?**

Castiel is riding shotgun now; he holds his tired face in his hands as his eyes are lazily fixated on the road ahead; needless to say you could see how distracted he is. You look through the rearview mirror and watch Crowley and Sam fiddle around with the sheets of paper lying about- Sam assembles them in his corner while Crowley holds onto a few for himself- it seems like he’s doodling on one of them.

“Hey-hey! No messing with the notes, you hear?” You bellow as you shift your gaze from the road to the ex-demon.

“Well, Dad- this road trip sucks and I need to find some way to entertain myself!” Crowley throws the page at Sam’s face- he flinches by the contact and slowly opens the crumpled piece; it seems he’s impressed by what he sees.

“Cut the crap- not everything has to be some weird game to you- this is serious and for once we just need you to be quiet- we’re almost there”

“Ooh, goodie” he rolls his eyes and crosses his arms as he looks out the window- all but darkness and fog lingers outside the glass “Either way we’ll be dead soon enough because of your stupid plan- or lack of it really”

You rub your face in a harsh motion but you still drive at the same speed; you seemed to be out of sorts for some reason- it didn’t seem to be serious but it did overwhelm you the more you thought about it. But before you could process any further Castiel’s voice emanates in the air and pulls you out of it- almost knowingly.

“We’ve discussed it- After tagging you with a ward that will protect you from those creatures we’ll seek them out and trap one- my powers will contain it and we can get the details from it about the spell” Castiel shuffles and turns around as he speaks to the others, his glance shifting from you and Sam “It’s going to be tedious and the ward may not last very long due to the intensity of my powers but it should be enough to go by. All in all… we might be able to make this work and trap them for good this time” He looks at you and you look back with the same warmth.

“That seems too easy to be honest, this may only work if little Cas doesn’t screw up his mojo and if there are no intrusions- that Sanatorium is famous for being a monster hideout- security was tight before but I hardly doubt anyone would be willing to guard that place now” Crowley adds onto his statement with an unsatisfied pout, Castiel still looks at you as Sam decides to comment further “I hate to say this but Crowley does have a point- Are we even prepared to see what’s waiting for us down there? I know we can make due with our blades and our weapons but Cas, are you sure this is going to work?”

Castiel looks away for a few seconds when he asked that- you take a mental note of his gesture and make eye contact with Sam through the rearview mirror- as expected he was looking back wearing the same expression of worry in his eyes.

_But you both were ready_

“It will- but Sam you must know that I don’t intend on letting any of you get close to them when the chance comes- I only agreed to let you come because I anticipated on protecting you both”

“ **Let us?** Cas, what the hell is that supposed to mean? Since when did this become your mission?” you speak in a brisk tone as you look at him sideways- you didn’t mean to sound harsh but somehow his way of speaking was getting to you- the two knuckleheads in the back could feel it too.

“It was…not my intention to sound like that- but this is something I intended on doing alone”

“Ugh, again with the ‘I can do this alone’ speech we get it, okay?” Crowley mocks him near his ear- the wounded look in Castiel’s eyes was quite precious to be frank “These dumb asses are literally following you to your death and you still think you’re in this alone? Do you even know what loyalty is?”

You push on the break with force and make everyone but yourself topple over- Sam grabs onto the backside of your seat while Crowley grabs onto the headrest of his own- a demonic little koala grasping for his life. Castiel is the only one who loses his balance completely and lets his arms dangle in mid-air until you manage to grab and pull him in with your right hand. He falls onto you and hits the bridge of his nose on your chest, your breathing rugged and rhythmic as he shakes his head from the sudden collision. He looks up at you with a wounded gaze, his cheeks red from the encounter. You breathe slowly and look at him back with a little head tilt to keep his eyes fixated on you “Well, sorry for the intrusion but we’re he-” at this sentence Castiel hesitantly pushes himself off of you; his embarrassed eyes still locked onto…

“Cas? Your eyes-” You comment as you confirm your suspicions from before. His eyes grow wide at your intuition; you can see that their usual crystal blue shade was more clouded- more obsidian the longer you look but that wasn’t the only thing that made you stop. It looked as if the color was seeping out from his iris- almost like… _black veins_. He looks away from you as you draw yourself closer; the others also shift their gaze between the two of you and try to catch a glimpse themselves- but at that point Castiel had already left the truck.

“It’s… we must be close- there isn’t much time left” he mumbles as he covers his face and grazes it slowly- he blinks several times and the same color resides once more; you leave the truck and turn him around to check but he doesn’t amuse you this time- he walks forward and bends his neck to look upwards. Sam and Crowley follow suit and look up as well- their mouths agape with a shiver going down their spine.

You thought it would seem a lot less intimidating when you got closer- but it made you feel a lot more frozen in your own skin. You look at the massive building that stretched upwards towards the cloudless sky- none of you could see the top of it from where you stood and it was freaking you the hell out. An old red clay like texture surrounded the walls of the place with white windowsills stretching out for miles and miles- this gargantuan of a hospital still stood firm in its place- regardless of it being abandoned for 6 years.

“I think I see the gift shop up there” Crowley shields his eyes as his nervous chuckle lingers in the wind- Sam closes in on you and Castiel and lightly pokes you from the side “Now I’m asking again- are we really sure about this?” he whispers in your ear as you try to calm yourself by steadying your breaths- you hate to admit it but you were kind of excited too.

“They’re definitely here- I can sense several of them hidden inside” Castiel looks at Sam as he answers with his monotone voice

“Yeah- but where the hell should we even start? This place is…” he ponders over his words and just abandons finishing his sentence- he couldn’t stop glaring at the door with his shaky puffs of smoke.

“Don’t tell me you’re scared, Sam” You tease as he turns to look at him clenching his jaw uncomfortably. He denies it weakly but his eyes wore a different expression “Eh- just like old times” you whisper with a smile on your face hoping that no one heard you and your immature comment.

But one person did. Their eyes boring into you when you weren’t looking- were they smiling too?

Does it really matter?

“Okay Cas, lead the way” you smack your lips as you turn towards him- his eyes instantly looking away the moment you did- Sam and Crowley huddle close to both of you and kept puffing cold smokes as they spoke “Is this really it? How many could be in there Cas?” Sam speaks slowly as he slides the blades and pistols into his belt and jacket.

“Several- they all seem clustered together so it’s hard to say” Castiel whispers near your ear and Sam’s- his breath sending a warmth down your neck and cheeks “But I’ll say maybe 10”

“Yikes- we could barely handle one the last time. I don’t know about this-” you speak with hesitation; you were still going to do it anyways but them being in groups was a scary thought.

“I asked you if you trusted me” Cas continues as he looks at you with devotion “Do you trust me and my judgment, Dean?”

You swallow hard at his question- the uncertainty throbbing inside of you and strangling you the more you lose yourself in his eyes- a cataclysm just slipping through his fingers, his lips, his mind, the many feathers that break away from his wings- all of it, just ready to strangle you.

**I trust you, Cas. You’re my best friend, you’re Sammy’s best friend- you’re-?**

**But I don’t know-**

No words slip through your lips as you look away.

**Don’t I?**

**Maybe I haven’t for a while now**

**Maybe I don’t.**

Castiel watches you with a bruised glare- his eyes squinting and his lips bitten from the remorseful silence- you feel guilt- so much **guilt**

“Nothing matters” you hear Castiel mumble under his breath- you weren’t sure if the others had heard it but you didn’t bother addressing it either. It was better this way; you knew it was.

**It was, wasn’t it?**

“Just stay still, all of you” he breathes slowly as he places his hands on yours and Sam’s chests.

“Cas, wait-” you call on him but a burning sensation started to spread in your chest- you clench your fists and bite your tongue from the sudden pain. Sam’s closed his eyes and is wincing excessively- but Castiel’s hands soon shift from their chests-his index and middle finger transferring the pain to their forehead. It’s easier to handle it there for some reason- but the numbness from the burn was starting to melt his bones a little bit.

“These will protect you from them- one warding will shield your organs from their powers while the other shields you from their hallucinations” he breathes in a rugged way as he places his hand on his forehead and struggles to stand on his feet. You and Sam instinctively reach out to him but he only pushes you away- you in particular. “I’m fine-” He groans dispassionately as he turns around in a strange way- his hand rubbing his temple with a lot more force than anticipated “Crowley, you come up and I’ll mark you too. We need to move on now- no more delays” he grunts as he waits for Crowley to stand in front of him.

Sam notices the worry in your wounded gaze- his rejection wasn’t something so known to you and it hurt, it hurt like a goddamn son of a bitch. Sam knew these thoughts were going through your head, he looks to you and places his hand on your shoulder- his grasp tight and firm on your jacket. You look at him, slightly teary eyed but compose yourself immediately when you meet his gaze.

 _There you are, putting up your walls again-_ Sam reflects after he sees his brother’s contempt and fear being hidden away- the granules of his mind slowly slipping.

“We’re going to fix this- all of this, Dean. Together” he smiles as he shakes you from your shoulder “You, me and Cas. If everything goes right- we’ll be able to make it- we just have to take that chance, okay?”

“Yeah, okay” you respond with a vague nod and a distant smile- you don’t mean to, but it just happens anyways.

“Stick to the plan, whatever happens” Sam reminds you again, his grip still firm on your shoulder.

“I know”

**Do you?**

**Have you ever?**

You step away from him as his hand slips off- now for the relatively easy part

Staying alive

“Let’s go” Castiel places his hands on the double doors and pushes forward

_Can you hear the whistling in your ears, Dean?_

It opens up to a massive room with two alder staircases stretching upwards- the white tiles on the floor covered in unknown stains and an abandoned reception desk remained. The stairs spiraled upwards to what felt like the heavens above- the glass ceiling adding a nice touch to the flare of it all. Just on and on they stretched- but what lied beyond that glass is what caught your eye.

“Well, what do you know?” you smile and scoff at the view

“Heh. Whale in the sky” Sam muses with a smirk. The sky’s inky texture held a few dim orbs of light within them- all 14 perfectly placed above them- as if it hadn’t cracked itself open a few years ago.

“Cetus- of course, the constellation and-” Castiel whispers wide eyed- the stars swimming in his effervescent blues.

“The latin word for ‘large sea creature’- okay we get it, can we go now?” Crowley mumbles as he elbows you harshly- you flinch by his gesture and give him a nasty glare.

“You have to hand it to them- they really didn’t want anyone finding this place” Sam forces himself to look away and starts fidgeting with the flashlight holstered on his shoulder “At least now we know our guess was right”. You look at him with a satisfied grin- basking in the glory you so happily deserved.

You’ll remind them later.

“I sense a presence near the western side of this establishment- they seem to be roaming about” Castiel squints as he turns his head to and fro- like a hound dog caught on a scent “Maybe this will be in our favor”

“And how is that? How will their lurking be in our favor?” You look at him questioningly as you touch his shoulder gently- this time he doesn’t push you away, instead he replies in a soft tone “It’ll be easier to isolate one that way- one is better than a horde” he grins sheepishly as he gazes through one of the doors leading towards the western hall.

He then looks at you- his eyes calm and deep as they linger on your face for a little while longer.

_All_

_Crumbling_

_Down_

“Lead the way” you manage to croak as you escape from his stare- how much time had passed since?- it doesn’t matter.

He opens the door to a secluded hall- the white windowsills and walls stretching out towards the very end of it all. There were tags over the myriad of doors that lurked here- many of them room numbers and several of them ranging from ‘records’ to ‘storage’. Either way the hall seemed as though it stretched on for a millennia “Heh- so much for getting lost” you mumble under your breath with your neck stretched out and looking into the hall with dread. Sam pushes through the both of you and wanders the hall unfazed with his hand on his pistol-readying himself for the task at hand. “I sense them forward- through the doors at the end” Castiel shoves you gently and steps beside Sam- he nods at him and Sam does too as they slowly move forward while you and Crowley linger back but still remain pretty close to them.

“To think this place was magical back in the day- torture, unsolicited human experimentation, not to mention a bloody train just for the bodies alone- who wouldn’t want to come here?” Crowley mewls into your ear as he takes his blade out and swings it with anticipation- his cheeriness was starting to annoy you the longer you allowed him to breathe down your neck.

“Maybe you can come back here when all of this is fixed. And maybe- _just maybe_ -stay here for the rest of your days” you roll your eyes and smirk at the absurdity of your wish.

“So, it’s a date?” Crowley snickers as he points the edge of his blade towards your face.

“Crowley- I would suggest you walk with us- since you have a tendency to abandon the people you’re with” Castiel speaks with a harsh tone directed towards you- Crowley looked towards him funnily at first but after meeting Castiel’s gaze he lost his smug smile instantly- as if he sent him some telepathic threat.

“Jeez, okay no more flirtatious remarks. I got the message” Crowley quickens his pace and stands beside Sam while you linger still, a confused expression on your face. Castiel softens his gaze and walks towards you quickly- panicked, you wave your hands around defensively. But Castiel only grabs onto one of your hands and pulls you along with him, his fingers placid and warm in your own as he does so.

“You need to stay with the group, I won’t tolerate people being left behind” his hand still lingers in your own as you regroup with the others- until he lets go solemnly. Your face feels flushed from the small interaction and you try your best to hide the shades of red appearing on your face- an awkward cough or two later you start to walk towards your destination with Cas standing in the middle.

You tread carefully as you open the door with your free hand while the other held a handgun- everyone readied themselves as it slowly creaked open – the band of misfits filled with ferocious dread in their eyes.

Their eyes fall upon another massive white room with a few dispersed metal tables-there were several shelves with board games and musical instruments scattered about as well, quite outdated ones too. The straight strip of carpet slithered all the way towards the other end of the room- most probably the path the tourists took back in the day. Chairs of a similar white color were spread out towards every corner and glass fragments crunch underneath your feet- you look up hesitantly to see that there was indeed a window that was shattered- the cracks outstretched towards the edge of the windowsill.

It sent a strange chill down your spine

“Now what?” Crowley whispers into Castiel’s ear, his eyes refusing to blink as he watches the same window “Be still for a moment. I sense one close by- its-” Castiel places his hands over Sam and Dean’s stomach as he walks ahead of them slowly- his eyes moving frantically with every step.

“This is… no, what is…” he contemplates as he readies himself- his blade sliding into his hand from his sleeve.

“Cas, what the hell is it?” You call out to him in a hushed tone with Sam sharing the same sentiments, his teeth gritted and his locks falling onto his forehead as he watches Castiel.

“We need to hide- NOW” he turns abruptly and grabs the both of you by your arms “something is wrong- it’s not- I don’t have time to explain”. Crowley watches both of you be dragged away into the nurses’ quarter and follows quickly.

“Cas why are you doing this!? We can help!” Sam winces as he struggles to let himself go from his grasp, as do you.

“It’s for your own protection- I’ll lure it away from you before it knows you’re here”

“From what, Cas? What’s coming?”

He watches the both of you in a distinct way, his lips slightly parted as he releases you into the room.

“Be quiet, all of you” his gaze wanders to you as he speaks, you try to form a sentence but for some reason you can’t- his slow breathing inundating in your ears. He closes the door as you and Sam try to catch up to him but only find yourself locked inside. You fiddle with the doorknob maniacally and try to push it in synch with Sam- but the strange warding upon the door only sizzled your skin as you do. Sam winces and rubs his shoulder before he looks at you, wide eyed and frozen.

Something was inside- glass crashes and the room starts to shake by the quakes from the other side. You fight the urge to call out for Castiel- something was going down on the other side of this door and it was torturing the life out of you to feel so helpless. You clench your fists upon the door as you place your forehead in defeat- Sam pulls on his hair as his eyes remain watery throughout while Crowley tries to keep his composure and maintains his balance on an old bed. There were strange shuffles, sometimes it sounded like claws but at times it shifted into normal footsteps- you couldn’t understand what it was- but the sudden chill in the air and your breathing was something both of you knew oh too well.

“Spirit” Sam mouths slowly as he looks at you and breathes heavy puffs of smoke- the temperature kept dropping the more you waited- this was no ordinary spirit- just the thought alone terrified the both of you.

Almost instantly you hear the shuffling again, but in a frenzy- frantic and erratic movements invade the other side and your breathing only grew quicker as a response.

Until you hear a shrill, satanic voice erupts.

_“Non receperint vos hic, angelus” (You are not welcome here, angel)_

You stare at Sam with heavy eyes- something that’s never happened to you whenever a spirit was nearby- this was something massive- maybe even more ancient than you had imagined and you could read it through Sam’s eyes that look back at you the same way.

A screech echoes through the building and shakes the entire room- the three of you squint from the pain and cover your ears to lessen the sound somehow- but it seemed to never end. You open your eyes and try to stabilize your breathing as you slide down towards the floor- the room wouldn’t stop spinning and the only way you could have some control was stare at the floor. Under the door you see a massive light erupt and cast shadows over your feet, Sam takes note of it too as the ringing in your ears start to dissipate the brighter the light became- you recognized the glow instantly and you weren’t sure if you wanted to know what happened on the other side.

The warmth upon your shoes and your back starts to fade as the screech disappears; Sam opens his eyes once more and takes a sigh of relief as he looks around and shakes you by the shoulder, Crowley drags himself off the floor behind the toppled bed, his hair disheveled and his face swollen like a plum. “Dean?” Sam grunts as he shakes you and slaps you gently, you swat his hand away with a groan and shuffle back onto your own feet. The warding on the door dims and a sound of a lock being released echoes in the room- you waste no more time as you open it almost immediately.

The floor is covered in soot, completely spread out and depraved of any other color than that; the walls had strange cracks and black spots upon them in abrupt patterns, almost like blotches of paint spread about. All of the windows lay shattered on the floor, the dim moonlight creating a shadowy archway in the room. You watch the trembling man sit in the middle of it all- his breathing jagged and slow with the blackness seeping from his entire being. You run towards him without thinking twice- what was wrong with you?

“Cas?!” You slide down and sit in front of him, cradling and shaking his face as you do so “Hey- hey-” your voice cracks as you see his unresponsive eyes and his blackened coat- why wasn’t he saying anything?

“Dean?” He finally breathes, his eyes flickering back to life as he turns his head around and then catches you completely out of breath, you couldn’t stop yourself from embracing him- so you did.

“This isn’t necessary- I’m alright” Castiel speaks into your jacket as he manages to still hug you back slightly “The hell you are! What the fuck was that? Locking us in there and doing whatever the hell you just did right now!” you scream at him as you end the embrace and grab onto his collar, pulling him in just inches away from your face- you wanted to make sure he was listening to you right now.

“It was an ancient spirit and I killed it, does that answer your question?”

“I swear if you ever-”

“We need to move, Dean. So if you don’t mind” he clutches onto your hands and forces you to loosen your grip, you didn’t realize how much he’s been able to do that even if you didn’t want to. He stands up with ease and you keep your eyes locked onto his as you get up as well, your clothes covered in the black dust from Castiel’s trench coat.

They continue forward as you share your looks of discontent and worry with both Sam and Crowley- the three of you stand together as Castiel leads the way towards another door and into yet another hallway- how many were there? On and on you go as he turns to another corner, another room- and another and another and **another**.

Until you stop.

“Something is… something isn’t right” Castiel turns and holds his head from the throbbing pain- he watches the three of you wait on him, acting like a crazed lunatic with his arms flailing about “Don’t stop- we need to move- I sense them… they’re…they’re” he mumbles as he grabs Sam by the shoulders and watches him in disdain- Crowley looks around with the beads of sweat moistening his forehead, his eyes bulging with an unknown intensity.

“You know your rambling is helping no one! Where the hell are we supposed to go in this maze?” Crowley bellows into Castiel’s ears as he waits for someone else to take action “This has got to be the worst plan you dumbasses have ever had!”

“Cas, we have to keep moving- we can’t stay out here in the open and let ourselves be known- the spirit already-” Sam grabs Castiel by his shoulders roughly, his tone fast and raggedy as he spoke to him. As if like clockwork, the moment Sam spoke his last word and loosened his grip on Cas the building started to shake the same way it did before- the cracks started to emerge from every corner of the wall and none of you could find the strength to stand- something was crawling through the cracks- something dark and alive.

There wasn’t much time left.

Until all of it came

Crumbling

Down

“DEAN!” Castiel screams as you and Sam catch a glimpse of him reaching out to you before it became dark. Instinctively, you reach out to him too but your fingers just miss each other- that small caress later and you find yourself falling, a lot deeper than you had imagined, a lot deeper than you had wished for.

“CAS!” You scream into the void, hoping that someone would grab and pull you both out of here somehow- cut loose from the surface as you see the light in his eyes fade the deeper you fell.

You draw your last breath

Before the world topples over

And buries you in it’s obscurity.


	6. Log 25.0: Risen

The dust starts to collect in your throat as you cough out the remnants from the fall- hoping nothing is lodged in as you try to get up. The pieces of concrete weren’t as heavy as you had expected as you pushed them off from your chest and your thighs- finally feeling your blood circulate the more pieces you removed. You see bubbles of black and red the more you try to focus- the dust was making it hard to see where you were and how far you were from the surface.

What was this place?

“Dean?” You call out with a cough and a bleeding nose- but nothing too serious “Dean!” you wail again in a gruff tone- hoping your feet don’t give up on you until you hear something.

Until-

“Sammy?” a small voice croaks in the darkness and you halt by the sound, hoping that you didn’t imagine it “Where- where are you?” He breathes again- his voice slightly grim and tired. You rush towards the source immediately- your flashlight glowing on his beaming, bloody face. “I got you! Just hang on, okay?” Unlike you, Dean wasn’t fortunate enough to escape the wreckage- a massive piece laid upon his chest as he struggled to breathe- his arms almost motionless underneath and thin strips of blood spreading all over- the panic in you starting to rise the longer you evaded his gaze. His eyes were dim in the darkness- how long did he stay like this?

You don’t think about it. You **can’t** think about it

You grunt in pain as you push it off, Dean gasping for air the moment you did as your light shines upon his face, slightly bruised with a cut on his lip. Most of the damage seemed internal and you felt paralyzed at the sight “I’m- gah- I’m alright, Sam- just-” Dean pushes you away as the light keeps shining in his eyes, the green pulsating by the pain in his body. He tries to pick himself up from the wreck but stifles a scream, his hand holding onto his right ankle as he does. You dread the sight, a bloody and fleshy mess you were hoping to avoid “I got it- just try to- try to keep yourself calm, okay?” your voice shakes as you touch the rusted metal rod searing through- his blood a morose color upon your tainted fingers. He flinches from time to time trying to hide the innumerable pain he’s in, he never stops trying to be the strong older brother and the pressure from it all was making you spiral.

Just

One

Quick

Pull

Dean bites his tongue from his scream- a noise that hurts you more as you see the blood flow rise from his gaping wound; you wince at the circular puncture and start to fiddle with the items in your jacket. You procure a full bandage and a flask and start applying pressure to the wound, something that would stop the bleeding.

“We’re wasting time this way- juh-just wrap it up and lets go” Dean heaves lethargically the more you try to neutralize the damage “Are you kidding me? Pulling that thing out was already a bad idea- so let me do this, okay Dean?” you are stern with your tone as you pour the alcohol over his wound- a strange sizzling and bubbling erupting within the wound itself. The bleeding lessens as you dress it neatly- a tight knot there and a dab there until you feel satisfied with the result “Will you be able to stand?” you straighten yourself up and extend your arm out if Dean required it, he bites his lip as he shuffles and stands upon his stable leg and slowly places the damaged one on the ground and winces instantly by the pain. You watch him cautiously and let him try again, this time he does stand upon it but with a limp.

“Are you able…”

“I’m fine Sam, I’m able, okay? So stop asking questions already and lets move!” He pokes you harshly on your chest as he groans with every step he takes forward- you step in front of him and start pointing the flashlight around the room, a dusty grimace falling upon your lips. The undamaged part of the room had surgical equipment all laid about- ancient ones at that. An EEG monitor and an ECT machine placed aside a bed that hadn’t been used for quite some time- at first you’d think this was just a usual room used for therapy, but what lay behind the normalcy is what caught the brothers eyes. Painted pentagram symbols were all spread and altered upon the massive wall, some devils traps and some symbols that seemed vaguely familiar to you- something that you’ve definitely researched about. “These look enochian and this…this might be latin” Dean ponders over them as he touches the wall reluctantly, trying to find some more symbols he could recognize “Dean, look at this…right here” you follow your brother to the wall and see a more relatively darker and larger thing written- something carved more than once.

“ **Munda prius quod intus a malo** ” You read slowly with your squinted eyes, making sure you read it all correctly even with the scarce light source and distorted handwriting.

“Cleanse the evil from within” Dean whispers and sighs at the sight- a strange chill running down your spines as you look at each other cautiously “Well we can scratch out satanic rituals from the mystery” he muses as he steps away slowly, looking all over the wall as he backed off.

“Heh, no kidding” You glance at the bed and the straps hanging from its side, fiddling with the dead machinery with your free hand “Do you see a way to get out of here? There must be some staircase that leads us back up” your eyes wander the room; your icy breathes invading the air the more you move around. Dean is panting slowly with his back against a wall- his hand gripping onto his gun; he only turns his head to and fro as his eyes wander the room “Dean…”

“Don’t. Just…don’t” His tempered voice booms at first until it becomes a whisper “You can’t keep…babying me. I told you I’m fine and that’s it, okay?”

“Seriously, Dean? You’re saying that to me?” there’s irritation in your voice too, you didn’t mean for it to but it still came out that way “ Or is that only your job?”

“Don’t start now-”

“Then when Dean? Should I wait for you to come looking for me again until I can share some of the responsibility? For once just…” your hands aren’t shaking anymore as you direct your voice at him “Just stop being this…unshakable force, okay? That nothing hurts you and nothing can ever hurt you because I can see it Dean- we all see it”. His stoic stare and clenched jaw watches you, his eyes boring into yours with a strange clouded hurt within them “Just…heh, let’s just do this later, I suppose”

“Gladly” he responds with some dizziness in his gaze-you clench your jaw reactively but compose yourself- this wasn’t the time to address his contempt anyways. Your light reaches a certain corner of the room and something about it seemed odd to you, with your head tilted you cross over the ceaseless rubble and bent pieces of metal and cement and look towards the floor- the wall was unnervingly clean, more so than the others and the strange scratches on the ground weren’t from fingernails, or so it seemed. Dean catches the same thing with his own gaze and starts fiddling with the clean wall, his fist knocking on the wall twice before he stops.

**Hollow**

“Heh, well- I can’t say I’m shocked but…” he pushes on the wall in multiple spots until he finds a certain sharp edge within it- you stand behind him as he struggles to pull at the end “Let me” you sigh as you pull your knife out, the sharp edge completely digging into the wall slowly, you keep jabbing it inside until the piece finally falls with a thud- revealing a small, dark indentation. Dean doesn’t think twice about sliding his hand through the crevice and you try to pull it back “Dean! What are you?-” you squeal as you try to reason with your anemic brother.

_Click_

The wall breaks open with a small puff of smoke in their faces- the both of you try to hold back but the intensity of it all took over- the two of you cough in unison until the dust subsides, the tears streaming on your face a lot more than Dean’s. You pull him back as a heavy sound breaks into the wind and the door opens outwards but stops mid-way- you look at Dean and place your hands in the opening and start pulling- the heaviness excessive even for you. You grunt from the load but start making progress gradually; at least you thought you did, until a presence behind you makes you turn, two hands sliding into the opening and two playful pools looking back at you with a grin.

_Dad’s on a hunting trip and he hasn’t been home in a few days._

You smile at him, the two of you sharing a nod as you pull again with more force.

_I mean, come on. You can't just break in-middle of the night-and expect me to hit the road with you_

**He never left, did he?**

A dusty and moldy scent hits the both of you as you let go of the door, a dull wind brushes against your hair and sends an itch in your nose. This was definitely it.

A small metallic staircase spirals to the unknown top, the view from here didn’t really help the both of you and the flashlight only dulled out as it pointed upwards- you look at you brother and tilt your head, in a way saying “Come on” without a single word- he glances back with the same warmth and nods knowingly- looking up at the dull moonlight falling upon the steps.

The both of you move onwards, weapons at the ready and eyes blazing in the dark.

* * *

Sam feels dazed as the air feels light in his lungs again, his nose runny by the cold wind that hits his face- they’re not outside but they stand upon a platform, a few trash cans are spewed about with the same strip of carpets blown over, some even burnt from the edges and the top of the structure that’s completely desecrated from above, there was no ceiling but some of the walls still stood tall- the constellation still fresh and beaming in the sky. Dean’s limping has lessened and he’s able to walk a little better than before as he tries his best to hide the pain that resurfaces from time to time. Sam watches him catch up and stand beside him, his face flushed with a lot more color than before “You’ve gotta be kidding me…” his eyes are wide in the dull moonlight, the giddiness seeping from his lips and his childish laugh, you notice the point of interest too but are quite conflicted about it.

**The demon train**

The train was kept in pretty good shape even after all this time, it wasn’t as massive or terrifying as you had thought, it looked like any steam engine did back in the day but a lot smaller in comparison, the black compartments connecting like a massive black, metal caterpillar. The windows were tainted too, so dark you could hardly see what lay inside, maybe old coffins? Decayed bones or remains? The mind wandered. He remembers it being a lot more terrifying because of the way Dean had described it- bloody trails, intestines seeping out from the cart, skulls all battered and filled with every creepy crawly he could come up with at the time- he was only a kid too. It amazes you but…sometimes you forget that he ever was one- especially looking at him now, all bloody and bruised but still so full of zeal even with his tenacious self.

“You think it works?” He chuckles as he pokes one of the wheels

Idiotic too

“Yeah- I bet it’ll take us straight to one of Hell’s workshops too” Sam responds with a silly smirk on his face with his hands in his jean pockets as he stares at Dean’s back “Hah! So you do remember one of my awesome stories” he glows by his remark and touches every nook and cranny of the ancient contraption “Can’t believe it took us this long to actually scratch this place off our bucket list”

“We had a bucket list?”

“Yeah we did- well…it was kinda my own at first but then I kept updating it along the way- but life had other plans” he blinks weakly as he adjusts his bandage.

“You never told me that” Sam helps him out and tightens the knot a little more, his eyes never leaving Dean’s slightly sullen expression.

“Things changed, like I said” Dean pats him on the shoulder and walks ahead of him, going towards the other end of the platform where the front of the train was “First you left for Stanford, then Dad left and then the apocalypse- and then Cas…so yeah, everything changed”

“So, you stopped overall?”

He’s hesitant for a while but finally manages to speak as he bites his lower lip “Yeah- I…I guess I did. I just never thought I’d get to live even this long, that’s all. It’s never really been about what we wanted after all” he rubs his face gently and motions Sam to walk with him “I know it hasn’t always been that way but…it doesn’t mean we just…stop either, is it?” Sam speaks in a somber tone as he tries to make eye contact with him- his glassy pupils evading his as he continued “I mean, we’ve been dealing with these things for so long, saving people and occasionally each other, hell- **endlessly** -when the time came and no matter the cost. But even with all of that…it’s those moments in between that make all of this **living** worth it, Dean. You never felt any of that?”

“What do you want me to say, Sam?”

“I want you to know that even with what you’re feeling-you don’t get to choose what part of you gets to live and what part of you dies, every part of you deserves a second chance- a second chance at…You need to understand that-” Sam twists him around and faces him “You just…you can’t keep doing this to yourself, this whole ‘nothing gets to me’ crap- you can’t keep doing this to me, to Cas or anyone- because we’re busting our asses just to have our chance again, even if it’s for a little while. You of all people deserve that chance, more so than any of us, man”

Dean swallows hard with his inordinate blinking, he’s procuring a sentence but you choose to interrupt anyway, no way were you letting him think about anything right now “That’s what makes all of this worth it Dean, all of it has to be worth something- so watching you give up when-” Sam breathes in his rugged way, his shoulders slightly slouched and his eyes resonating an endearing glow; Dean watches him haplessly try to save him, again and again he tries but he couldn’t fathom it- he always felt that he could fix everything but couldn’t he see?

**_You’re beyond saving, Dean Winchester_ **

**_Always clinging like a parasite_ **

**_Who can save you now?_ **

“Sam, I…” Dean extends his hand forward, a little less defeated from his eyes-as if a fragment of his past self was slowly creeping through.

**_No, I’m not beyond it._ **

**_I’m not broken_ **

**_I’m not-_ **

Their eyes flinch by the sudden rush of wind emerging from the north- Sam’s hair blows over his eyes and his skin vibrates by its intensity- he shields Dean from the pressure but makes sure he keeps a hold of him as he turns to look towards the commotion- seeing its reflection in Dean’s paralyzed eyes he was hoping he was imagining the blue glow.

But alas, there it was.

A spiral of blue light bled through the shattered window sills and into the dark sky, it’s ringing deafened in their ears from where they stood- completely unsure whether the source of this light was from something good.

“Sam- we have to get- Cas won’t be-” he sees his almost broken glare towards the horizon- his grasp leaving Sam immediately as he walks away quickly towards a double door connecting to the main building “Dean! Wait-” Sam extends his hand and grabs his arm in time- the hesitancy from his eyes completely gone, Dean watches him with an annoyed grimace- the urgency and impatience in his gestures excessively evident.

_No. No you don't. You don't get to quit. We don't get to quit in this family. This family is all we've ever had_

“Together” Sam nods assuredly, his eyes resonating the most sincere look he’s given to his brother- maybe even in years. Dean’s eyes weaken at the sight- but something was different this time- Sam could feel it seep into his skin.

**_Team Free Will. One ex-blood junkie, one dropout with six bucks to his name, and Mr. Comatose over there, it's awesome_ **

“Okay” Dean smiles- a genuine one at that as he starts to run effortlessly- as if his wound never existed. But in a way Sam knew that Dean had changed his mind, even if it was faint.

He chose **chance**

Sam felt a burning in his ribs- a sense of pride erupting from him as he ran after him, keeping up with the rush of adrenaline that the both of them shared within this moment, not thinking of the dread that awaited them above- just the flittering hope that they’ll be able to save them again.

_These moments in between?_

_They matter_

_All of it matters_

_And as do we_


	7. Log 26.0: Ashes

The drumming inside your head subsides as your eyes flicker in the darkness.

You cower from the frivolous quakes under your feet and fight the urge to fall into a deep sleep, no matter how soothing the thought seemed. Castiel stands upon the gravel like floor and rubble, his gaze still glued at the last place they fell from with his veins bulging from his neck as he screams their names- you can’t hear anything but the drumming of the building all around you- it’s now or never.

“We need to move! We’ll be of no use to them if we’re dead!” You crawl at first but steady yourself enough to pull Castiel back, his body so stiff even with all the shaking “We need to move, NOW!” you pull on him harder and the both of you start running towards the double doors at the end of the crumbling hall. Castiel is still hesitant with his movements but he manages to keep up with you, his dusty trench coat flaying in the wind. You push the door in unison and continue running forward until the floor beneath you felt stable again, but where that place lays was the question. You enter a wide room with a white staircase in the middle of the room and multiple doors to go through, but all of them were covered with a strange black texture- like little roots twisting around. The both of you stand back to back trying to find a way to get out- but even the windows were clouded by the same substance.

What the hell did you get into Crowley?

“We have no choice” pants Castiel “We have to take the stairs and take our chance from there”

“Are you mad!? It’ll be harder to escape from a higher level! Can’t you use your powers?” you shove him slightly as you watch the blackness sneer from the ceiling and soon the floor- a slithering mess seeping from the doors.

“WE HAVE TO RISK IT” Castiel screams and grabs your hand, his grip excessive in all of the panic. He pulls you towards the wooden staircase and runs upward; making sure neither of you touched the hand railing unconsciously. The massive windows break as we cross it with glass fragments scratching upon our hands and cheeks- but we couldn’t even feel the small cuts with the entire world coming down around us. We run in yet another white tiled hall with rooms multiplying on each side, Castiel runs ahead of you and turns his head in multiple directions- as if caught on a scent “IN HERE” He screams as he slides towards a rosewood door and pushes inwards- his brute strength breaking the lock completely. You rush in but still contemplate over his plan, if this even counted as one “How the hell are we safe here? You broke the damn lock!” You scream behind him as he pants heavily towards the door while an unknown object slides into his hand. Your eyes wander over his procured blade and the thin strip of crimson streaming from his palm, he looks at you with heavy eyes and turns back towards the door, his fingers dripping with his blood. He draws in a circular motion and begins scribbling further, another marking?

“Will that even work against them?” You question him as you try to barricade the windows and the door from below him somehow; there wasn’t much else you could do with office furniture really.

“Angel magic worked against them, so I’m hoping this is a close second”

“You have no idea if this will work, do you?”

“…Not in the slightest”

You roll your eyes at his response and just lay yourself down in the chair behind the rickety pecan desk, hoping that whatever happens just happens quickly- the few glass ornaments fall from the shaking and thump upon the carpeted floor, for once you were glad that nothing else was breaking around you. The shelves bounce by the vibrations but everything inside them stay stagnant- is there anything more I could say really? The whole room felt like it would collapse any minute.

Castiel steps away from the door with his blue eyes wide, he clenches his fist to stop the blood flow but droplets still fell, defeated he places it upon his chest and slows his breathing, you don’t know why but you slow yours down too-two entities just relinquishing themselves to the unknown.

Was there anything else we could do, really?

_The shaking subsides_

_All is still_

Your eyes bulge out from the solace with Castiel still standing his ground just mere inches away from the door- he really was risking everything on that warding, huh? Admirable I suppose, but mostly stupid. The both of you wait in the dark silence of the office- it felt like dusk outside, the mildew scent blended with the cold riverbed- all of it sounded lovely when you thought about it, the lethargy just seeping into your bones the longer you held your breath.

And then emerges a humming sound

A **deep** humming

And a knock upon the warded door

“Hey? Are you in there?”

It was Dean’s voice.

Your eyes widen at the sound and you get up from the leather seat- a few slow steps later you almost cross Castiel before he grasps onto your coat. Confused, you look towards him and see him trying to withhold a strange heaviness in his eyes- something eerie lurked in the air around, how was he not jumping for joy at this point?

Unless-

“Guys open the door! It’s us!” It was Sam’s voice this time that pounded on the door, you flinched at the booming sounds echoing around you but you don’t move a muscle, Castiel was still enough to keep anyone on edge, his breathing rhythmic and slow, just the cold puffs indicating that he’s even remotely alive. “Come on fellas! You’re gonna open this up or not!?” Dean bellows again, this time it felt like two hands were banging on the door, a strange cracking emerging from the wood as they did. We take a step back, the both of us clutching on our blades as we readied ourselves for impact- what good will these pitiful weapons do now?! You turn to Castiel with your plastered grimace and pulsating stare but stifle your comment instantly; you see his eyes glow in the darkness with a strange dark blue static simmering on and off, this isn’t what angel grace looked like-it felt like something much, **much** more. Your mouth is agape as he starts to unfurl his wings; they stretch out above him- their girth massive and hovering like a dark cloud above them.

But frail and charred

Castiel places his hand in front of you and pushes you behind him-strangely so.

_You lunatic, you’re actually trying to score some points by saving me? After everything that’s happened between us…I expected you to…but you have to be the hero huh? Reminds me of a certain blonde, hot headed, daddy issues, suicidal kind of mess. Heh-_

_I suppose that’s why you’re drawn to ea-_

Another bang appears upon the door

And again

**And again**

“Aah, fuck this” you mumble under your breath and decide to stand beside Castiel again, even as he attempted to keep you behind him- but he should know by now, you didn’t need any angel boy toy to protect you.

**I can handle my own god damn messes**

You hear an unknown scream on the other side, just moments away from yet another massive hit to the door.

But?

Nothing happened.

The door held on, as fickle as it looked in its frame but it stood- Castiel wears a confused pout on his face, his glowing blue marbles bouncing about as he cranes his neck, his wings relaxing a bit with their ends tickling the floor- you begin to breathe normally again, swinging your blade lazily in your hand as you turn around and place your back in front of a cupboard towards your right- anywhere that wasn’t near the door.

“Can they?-” You ask with a dry throat

“Yes. They can shape shift- Sam discussed it bef-”

“Yeah, yeah- I was just confirming it that’s all, bad boy” you chuckle lazily as he watches you, a sad grin appearing on his dry lips “You know- you’re gonna have to tell them sooner or later”

“About what?” Castiel wanders over his question with a strange innocence lurking in his tone “You know **what** \- you can’t fool them for much longer- you’re not an angel anymore, well- not entirely-are you?”

His eyes pulsate by your remark but a sudden guilt triumphed in his glares, he tries evading your comment again “I don’t know what you’re trying to say to me Crowley”

“There’s a reason you can sense them, maybe even understand their motives- but really, what are yours?”

“Tread lightly, Crowley. This is not the time to address something like this” he warns you as he takes a few steps closer with his calm tone.

“You never intended on saving yourself in all of this mess, did you? You knew you were going to self-destruct after or during this plan and all for what?”

“You should know the answer to that too, since you know everything else” he’s bitter with his words- the annoyance seeping from his lips as he rubs his temples again, his wings a distant mirage in your eyes.

“Indeed I don’t- I clearly know nothing about you but one thing’s for sure- you’re slowly losing yourself by its power”

There’s a silence between the two of you- for a while you just stare at his back expecting a response sooner or later from the brooding aura he so willingly spreads in the room.

“I’m not…” he mumbles at first but soon speaks in a more somber and vulnerable tone “I’m not losing myself… I’m just lost…completely. Only their lives matter, only them…only **him** ” he sighs and pants with his hands fiddling his tie as he says this- as if the speech itself was draining the life out of him “ **So don’t you dare question my motives, Crowley** ” he breathes out his threat in a deep voice, something you really haven’t seen him do for quite some time.

It was quite refreshing to say the least.

“Alright- I guess I’ll go along with this for a while longer- I can’t really keep up with all the drama that ensues between you and the Olsen twins-”

And then it happens again

**Shattering glass**

Massive shadows appear at the window, their strange claws grappling onto the edges as their animal skulls vibrate upon their inky abdomen- the air from their screech rummages your insides and everything that surrounds you, their menacing vines claw their way through sharp bits of glass and start to slither towards your shoes. Your knife cuts them but they only multiply by the contact- like little leeches out for blood.

“CROWLEY! LOOK AWAY” Castiel shouts in the spinning room but this time you humbly oblige as you stand next to him, your eyes shut and immediately erasing the image of the blood thirsty leeches and demonic entities coming towards you. Castiel places his hand in the air and a ringing blue light starts to shake the room even more- his eyes ablaze by his powers and the severity of it all- Crowley held back his curiosity for a little while until he gradually opened his eyes. The wind disperses from the sound of their cries as the seething light disintegrates every fathomable atom of the creatures. One half of it still lingered with its prostrated limb reaching out to us, but that too atomizes by Castiel’s beam of light and ebony black wings-so broken and bruised they seemed even in their grandeur.

A strange red glow appears in the middle of the room as the shadowy arm disappears- Castiel watches it intently but he doesn’t know how to react to it- was it something they should be wary of? You wonder as you peer over his shoulder and gaze upon the stagnant red orb.

You hear a sound

“Castiel…”

It starts to tick

“Is it?...” Castiel whispers with his eyes squinted and his hand lowered

The sound speeds up

“CASTIEL GET OUT OF-”

You pull him towards you as the clicking suddenly stops, your arm laced around his waist and his wings translucent in your eyes the moment you feel the heat arise behind you. The massive blow pushes the both of you through the fragile door and rams you into the hall once more, Castiel’s back crashes into the tiled wall while you squirm upon the ground with a strange sizzling sound inundating in your ears “Crowley!?” He shakes you by the shoulders as he breathes heavily- his eyes wistful by the blood that you continuously cough out- it wasn’t the worst kind of pain you’ve felt but you had a feeling it wasn’t going to get any better “Crowley!” He grabs your face as he speaks, his eyes wandering over you with needless worry- the insufferable wretch that he is.

“Heh- see, I always knew you cared- touchy, touchy” you groan as you swat his hands away and place your back on the cold wall- it soothed the unknown wound on your back but Castiel didn’t seem convinced “Let me heal you” he extends his fingers to touch you but you grab his hand only to push it away “It’s not serious… ugh…we need your mojo for more pressing matters…such as that!” You point abruptly as you see another foggy hand lurk out from the doorway, it was a lot bigger than their last encounter and you had a feeling that it’ll just get worse. Castiel turns and shields you with his wings, the blue glow emerging from his fingertips and eyes once more “No more- no more of this! You will be contained!” Castiel screams into the black fog and extends his hand again, the floor around him bursting with intense heat. Its snake like anatomy twists above the both of you but a wave from Castiel’s hand glues it to the ceiling, as if he was controlling it from the inside- how could he do that!?

The creature screams in what seems like pain- its shrill wails rupturing your organs the more it tried to escape from his grasp- a strange begging inside those hollow sockets that strip you of any thoughts. The glow from his eyes doesn’t seem to subside even with all of the carnage erupting around their feet, you try to stand but you only end up holding yourself together from the pain-you couldn’t see how you were going to escape from this.

“ **CAS**!”

He starts to blink again, his eyes a crystalline hue as he turns his head hesitantly, a pensive smile appears on Castiel’s lips and you weren’t sure if he was being level headed right now. You try to call to him but it seems he doesn’t want to hear your voice…could it be? At first you thought you had imagined it too- but then it echoes again in this cyclone of endless power.

“CAS!” He screams again, the same gruffness breathing into the hallway again with a mix of shuffling feet and weapons detaching from their holsters.

A pair of unrestrained green emblems enters their stratosphere-his black coat and indigo flannel reverberating by the catastrophic winds that blow in every direction and crack every glass and light bulb around them-his eyes expressed the same kind of fear and worry- the kind he’s always done for his little lost pigeon.

**CAS!**


	8. Log 27.0: The Edge of Us

“DEAN?!” Castiel screams back, his voice emanating a vulnerable sound- the way it does when he fails to hold himself together. Dean’s eyes widen when his gaze shifts from him to the demonic entity struggling on the ceiling “Is Sam?!...”

“Right here! We’re okay! Somewhat…” Sam’s thick arm squeezes through the doorway and Dean wiggles forward to give him some room, their breathing rugged and tense as the spinning room pulls them inside, Dean cups his mouth and screams back “Cas- are you…?”

“Just barely! I don’t think we have any time to waste!” Castiel groans and makes a pulling gesture and the shadow falls to the ground simultaneously “You’re going to talk you bastard” his fingers dig into his palm as he groans and steadily makes a crushing cue, his neck stiff by all the strain he’s causing it. Sam’s eyes wander over the creature’s anatomy, his stomach twisted at the sight; the way it squirmed by Castiel’s hand gestures- like a puppet with its strings being tangled up by its master.

Dean doesn’t hesitate to walk ahead of Sam even with the decrepit state the hall was continuously in, he knew he wanted to get as close to Castiel as he could but the strange power that lurked in the air made him waver a lot more than usual, he turns to Sam and signals him to walk with him, the heaviness in his eyes returning.

This time Sam does see it clearly- the blue glow in the veins that poke out from his collar, his steps are slow as his eyes stay glued on his neck- a strange obsidian throbbing that seems to be shaking his whole being, but he couldn’t stop this- any of this. **This was the only way**.

“TALK” Castiel’s voice echoes, his breathing rough as his irises glow amongst the wreckage “And don’t think you can escape us now”. Its cries break the stillness amongst all of them as its shadowy body starts to take form, its skull melts and takes a more circular construct with eerie lips and eyes appearing upon its moon like paleness as its red irises remain contained. Sam and Dean watch it with a knot forming inside their chest, they found its human form even more horrifying to look at, just watching it rearrange itself sent an unnerving chill down their spine.

**_You can’t do anything to me-just give up now and we may be kind enough to let one of you go_ **

“How do we reverse everything that’s happened?” Dean takes a step closer towards Castiel and so does Sam, their fists clenched as the creature turns to look at them both, a menacing smirk appearing at the corner of its distorted lips “You can either tell us now or let my friend here bleed you dry until you talk”

It starts to laugh under its breath

Castiel twists its insides even more; their screams dull as it rubs its face upon the ground

**_THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO. IT’S TOO LATE- YOUR WORLD IS OURS NOW_ **

“Ours?” Sam adds in as he stands between Castiel and Dean “We know that you and your friends can be dealt with, you want us to test that theory?”

**_GAHHHHH… You can’t do ANYTHING! Our world crossed over yours years ago… nothing can be undone…you’re just wasting your time on-_ **

Castiel motions his hands again, his wrist turning slowly as the creature begins to scream again, Dean’s eyes flicker towards him as the creature gets louder and he gently places his hand over his shoulder and squeezes, Castiel recognized the touch and his mind felt at ease once more as he allowed the creature to catch its breath “The more you avoid his questions the more torture you’re going to get, so fucking talk” Dean breathes cautiously, his eyes refusing to blink for long periods of time.

**_We were….we were sent away…here, eons ago by…_ **

The shakes start to grow around them, but the creature continued effortlessly, the air in its inanimate lungs starting to fade

**_There lays a veil between worlds…something that isolates them from one another…but that sanctity was destroyed when…_ **

Dean’s eyebrows furrow at the thought before he speaks “Are you saying that we managed to break these…veils and gave you free access to…all of this?”

**_You did nothing of the sort…but your guardian…he managed to break the cracks effortlessly, bringing us the welcome we deserved for so long…he broke the veil that kept us trapped here_ **

“Where is here? Is this place not Earth?” Sam’s shielded worry glistens in his gentle eyes and Dean wants nothing more but to end this quickly-he had a hunch that they won’t be left alone with this thing for long

**_This is your…earth…but it is our earth too…the veil’s desecration is what made all of these worlds collapse and become one_ **

“How do we reverse it?” Dean directs his scream towards its melting body, he stares into its lifeless eyes and tries to figure it out somehow- but he can’t, it just stares at you menacingly without feeling any form of remorse-completely inhuman. It keeps exchanging glances from Dean, then Sam and then Castiel, its red eyes widening every time he sees him- what was going on?

It doesn’t speak

“Cas…” Dean closes his eyes and presses onto his warm shoulder-milliseconds later he’s twisting its insides all over again, maybe with a lot more force.

**_You CAN’T…You can’t reverse it...but what you seek may be at the edge! That is where it can be rewritten!_ **

Sam and Dean look at each other with discontent-their jaws clenched and their torn skins just waiting for them to collapse on the floor and give in to the weight upon their shoulders

But they continue

“Rewritten how?” Castiel speaks in his monotone voice, it took Dean a while to get used to his robotic voice again, he smiles internally from the memory-but maybe its best he doesn’t think of it now.

**_Rewritten! Maybe…the veil can be constructed again! But only by unfathomable power…something almost impossible… it can’t be done_ **

“Try me” Castiel’s voice becomes three times deeper; Sam and Dean’s eyes waver with confusion as Dean tries to make eye contact with him as Sam lingers close by, he swallows hard by the heaviness in the air “Cas, is that kind of power even possible?” Dean whispers near him as he pulls on his sleeve, he doesn’t respond.

He clenches his fists again with an agonizing screech joining it moments later

**_YOU CAN’T MAKE ME TALK…I know of you and your abilities…you consumed my kind, manipulated them to your own liking! A BEHEMOTH EXISTING WITHIN A HUMAN VESSEL…_ **

The ceiling becomes cloudy with the blackness oozing from the cracks, Dean tries to shake Castiel but is pushed back with a powerful force, Sam catches him in time and the both of them stare helplessly, eyes battered by the darkness within the room.

**_But I see them in you even now, the fallen…slowly fading away and consuming your mind from within…you can’t be saved! THIS WORLD CAN’T BE SAVED_ **

“ **I see through you** ” Castiel mumbles as he waits for something unknown-his fingers sway in the air for a while until he makes a final gesture

One

Last

Twist

Its moldy neck rotates in the opposite direction, the red glow dimming from its sockets and its porcelain face cracking upon the broken floor- it begins to atomize and the black grains pour over the remnants, like fine sand slipping through ones fingers.

The room feels flooded by the veins that keep appearing, the brothers watch Crowley step away from the floor and pull himself up from Castiel’s coat-he stood motionless with his head hung low.

_Something was wrong_

They run towards them, Dean eyeing Crowley questioningly to which he nods affirmatively in response, letting the both of them know he’s alright. Dean stands in front of Castiel again and cradles his face, slapping his cheeks for a response “Cas? Cas! We need to move now! I think its buddies finally found us” he watches Sam and Crowley and tells them to start without him but as he pulls on Castiel’s hand he finds himself stuck-Dean’s eyes narrow at the obscurity and he calls out to him again “Cas didn’t you hear me? We have to move NOW” he screams as he gives up on pulling and starts shaking him from his shoulders, why is he?-

“Cas, Dean we have to go!” Sam calls out to them as his head pokes out from the doorway with Crowley wincing in pain in the back, barely holding himself together.

“I can’t leave, not yet…” Castiel whispers as his wounded gaze finally meets Dean’s, the panic seeping from his lips “There’s still…”

“There’s nothing Cas! We literally got **nothing** from what it said! It’s something that can’t…We need to leave now or else we won’t live long enough to find another way!” 

“This is the way-this is the only way I know…the only way I can save everyone…save **you** ”

“Please don’t do this- not now when…” Dean shields him from the pieces of concrete that keep falling on him “There’s nothing we can do…not right now”

The veins multiply on the walls and the same chill starts to invade their lungs, Sam runs towards them without losing his balance and grabs onto Dean’s arm and starts pulling him, he looks at Castiel with dazed eyes and pulls on him with his other hand “Sam…take your brother and…keep each other safe-okay?”

“Cas?” Dean pulls on his coat again and looks into his eyes, so dim in the grey that surrounds them “Don’t do this…”

“…I promised…I’d watch over you. I intend on fulfilling that promise…” Castiel places his hand on Dean’s face and allows his fingers to tickle his cheek and graze the ends of his hair, so gentle they felt upon him, Dean was holding back his tears as he shook his head in disbelief. Castiel grasps onto Sam’s elbow and holds him for a while, his gasps leaving his lips as he smiles melancholy. Sam’s eyes water by his gesture as he twitches and swallows with remorse, they had somehow forgotten the situation for a bit and it filled him with dread to do this now.

_Castiel lets go_

**_And Sam drags Dean away_ **

“Cas! No…Cas!!” Dean struggles in his arms as the walls and windows shatter around them, the same black fogs and skulls seep in through the cracks and begin to circle around Castiel, vultures ready to scrape his bones clean.

_I wanted this for so long without even realizing it- I wanted to give my life for you, I wanted you to forget because it was the best thing I could give to you, the same way you gave me my humanity_

Cas’ eyes begin to glow in the wreckage and his form starts to unfurl, his wings breathe into existence as he closes his eyes and allows them to stretch upwards, his feathers faded, tired and brittle like the roots of a worn out tree.

**But still beautiful**

_All that I am is because I saved you, it’s because I chose to be on your side. Even if my allegiance was convoluted it was always you I stood for, who I always wanted to protect no matter the cost._

He still struggles in his grasp even though he knows he can’t do anything anymore, this was something he could only feel, something he could only watch no matter how much it killed him, no matter how much his faded words echoed inside his mind now. He was too late

_I was an angel, and then I wasn’t, and then I was again. Time and time again I have bled myself dry, murdered, hunted and forsaken- all because of **you**. And when the time came for me to make that decision once more, I still chose **you** ; time after time I would still choose **you** Dean._

**You didn’t even give me a chance**

**How could you?**

The shadows lunge towards him with full force, gratifying themselves by the pain he refuses to elicit; they emanate ludicrous snickers and sneer around him with their extended claws and unshakeable grins, they’re enjoying every carved piece of him, his lips moist by the crimson that seeps out. They stare at Castiel with a broken gaze, Dean still scuffles in Sam’s arms and even tries to shake him off with his wounded leg, but to no avail- the three of them wear the same face of defeat and only Dean was the one still fighting back.

_We couldn’t save everyone_

_Again_

Everything is…

So black

So **black**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

Until

It wasn’t

The room breaks itself apart as a familiar ringing and blue glow erupts, the walls erase themselves as the light stretches upwards, downwards-almost anywhere one could imagine. Sam holds onto Dean with all of his might while Crowley holds onto him, they shield themselves from the burst by closing their eyes tightly but even then the light seeped through the smallest of fissures, but for some reason it didn’t hurt them, it felt almost…familiar.

Dean is the first to open his eyes, heavy panting and mouth agape he starts to blink and widen his gaze at the sight-something he never thought would happen. Castiel stood tall with his feet firm on the ground, his coat and face miraculously clean and glowing in the already bright stratosphere, he seemed so endless in the space they shared now.

He feared this would break too, **just like everything else**. 

He mouths his name but hears no voice come out, only the ringing in his ears remained even in Sam’s arms-he wants to **scream** , he wants to be **heard** , he wants nothing more than for him to **listen**.

Castiel heaves, his shoulders slightly slouched and his head low, his stance was loose as his body begins to shake-so endless-so lost in thoughts where he couldn’t be reached-where he couldn’t be saved.

Dean’s eyes wander over him, his tears now free as it burns his cheeks-he wants to reach out to him but he can’t move, he can’t even speak, what could he do? Castiel lifts his head up slowly, his eyes ablaze and reflecting the most profound of blues as they stab into him, a stab he willingly accepts. Something emerges from his back, something black and massive unfurls as he stands wistfully. He’s unfazed by its opulence while Dean just stares in awe- his green hues shining the brightest of all. He sees his wings stretching out for miles above him and refused to stop, the black feathers are now coated with specks of color, he sees reds, blues and pinks and any color he could fathom in his shattered mind, he sees the sun, the galaxies, fireworks crashing into him, an endless kaleidoscope within his grasp, if only he could just touch them, if only he could just hold him together.

Castiel’s eyes gaze upon him, a small smile breaking out from the colors that keep bleeding out, Dean only sees him, his spectrum of colors and the blue that stands out the most, he pleads from his eyes-he doesn’t know what he’s asking of him but he doesn’t stop. Castiel’s eyes radiate warmth as he smiles with an ache; he watches Dean and nods slowly in response.

**Endless, So Endless**

They stare into each other for a while longer until the light starts to swallow them all, Castiel’s wings are the last thing that he sees as he reaches out even now, thinking that he’ll come back somehow.

_I’ve mourned you_

**_I never asked you to mourn me_ **

****

**I think I understand now**

_We started drifting apart years before any of this happened. We had this strange unhealthy dependency on each other that no one could grasp._

**That. No one. Could. Grasp.**

_You lay here_

_My fingers laced around your hair_

_The ocean’s breeze sending a shiver down our spine_

_You seem so endless to me_

_Endlessly worthy and endlessly loved_

_Every ounce of you overwhelms me_

_Overwhelms the roots that strangle my wrists_

_These roots that pull me away from you_

_Your golden skin_

_From you entirely_

_And I wait endlessly_

_For you to pull me back up again_

_Into your bleeding lips_

_That raptures this broken soul of mine_

He claws his way out from his grasp and starts running, running towards those specks that still linger in his view, towards those eyes that beckon him to try once more. Dean feels his arms lace around him as he buries his face in his shoulders, so warm are the wings that shelter him from the whitened abyss. He hears Sam and Crowley shout towards them but he feels compelled to stay, he feels buried within his soul, his grace, completely made anew by the hands that trace his back.

He feels himself fall

And they descend together.


	9. Log 28.0: The Collapse of Us

He feels arduous in his hazy state, an ache that spread from his forehead to his knees, like little screws loosened up from his broken body, Sam wasn’t one to complain and bicker about his pain but this time it felt a little different.

He could’ve sworn he had something to do right now…something he was holding onto? But what was it?

He opens his eyes and winces by the grey that enters them, his hair tangled and frizzy from the dirt that made its home in his scalp- when did he fall? He can’t remember anything for some reason. He turns to his side at an agonizing pace and feels a painful stretch in his chest, he clutches onto the dirt to soothe himself but it only dug under his nails and made him more nauseas. He feels dried out in the even more arid air with the cold enveloping his body and sending frigid jolts in his arms.

_What was I doing?_

He pushes himself up and tasted the sand lingering on his dry tongue- wait…this wasn’t sand-it was…

Concrete?

He spits haphazardly and starts to blink, he realizes something, something different-something long lost upon his dusty tongue and within the frazzled pieces of his mind. He finally wakes and shuffles on the ground, unfortunately the nausea and pain in his body still lingered but it didn’t stop him from getting up. He feels his blood rush through his veins as he struggles to stand on his feet; until he looks up and feels his bones freeze.

They were…they were standing right there-where everything began- the edge a bottomless rift ready to swallow you in-he feels the dread resurface in the pit of his stomach. But there’s something here? Something that’s resonating in the air, someone was calling out to him, very, **very** slowly.

“SAM! GRAB THEM!”

_Crowley?_

He sees his dusty round face call out to him, his hand holds his abdomen while the other pointed to something in front of Sam, his eyes grew massive as he continued to scream-but why did it seem so quiet in his ears?

He turns around

And widens his eyes at the sight

He didn’t realize when he started running, his legs crushing his body with every step he took towards them-how could a wounded person run so fast?

Everything was slowed down, it seems impossible but it was-he sees each grain of sand bounce off from his boots and spread outwards, his arm is being raised but it does so in the slowest pace imaginable-his heartbeat was dim but enough to know that he was alive, he sees all of this simultaneously as he tries to catch his brother in time, only inches away from his grasp. But the question remained, can he make it?

Sam still runs, his legs jittery by the vibration of the floor beneath-it all came rushing back to him, the songs playing on the radio, the dry blood smell from their clothes as they sat on those leather seats, unsolicited visits by an Angel who ended up becoming family, pie runs and stakeouts with the smell of beer lingering in the air, laying your head down on those bleached motel sheets after the day was over, getting back up again with your ID and suit intact-everything that he had forgotten from all those years ago. The only thing that kept it all afloat was this chase, this hapless event that may or may not be the end of them.

But he still tries

Just for those fleeting moments, he’ll try.

He extends his hand, his fingers long as he scratches the back of his jacket, his grip upon it is weak and he feels his nails sting from the friction. Dean refuses to stop and Sam was losing himself in the fog. He lunges towards him, one final push in his legs until they gave out-he had to try, there’s nothing else out there anymore-this was the only thing left.

His hands remain empty

Sam watches him jump and grab onto the unknown source, in a way he knew what it could be but for some reason he didn’t want to say it out loud. Sam is motionless on the floor before he tries to drag himself further, he was annoyed by his tenacity but this drive is all he had left, all he could do to save these pieces of sanity.

But he can’t

He watches him fall from the edge and into the thick mists beyond; you could see flecks of colors surround him like a strange field covering his entire body. He seems at ease, his eyes adrift within the snowy caps of the world that lay below-if anything really. He calls out to him-his voice strained and ready to jump in after him, but his arms finally give out and he lays lifeless-forever condemned to reliving this moment for the days to come. He couldn’t bear it-he had nothing left. This was all he had-he has **nothing** left.

“DEAN!”

He calls out again, eyes wide at the horizon as the air feels buried in his lungs-there’s **nothing** left to **save** anymore- **those fleeting moments are lost**.

* * *

**Lost in your thoughts again?**

His eyes breathe into his again, a faint glimmer in the fog they stand in now. Where they stand is somewhat of a blur, nothing stood out- nothing important. But he stood in front of him-real and complete.

“Cas?” He hears Dean’s softness in the clouds, or whatever this place was-you wished you could hide your ecstasy but seeing him here brought out almost the opposite reaction “Dean? You’re not supposed to be here”. You hear him from afar but when he responds his voice booms just inches away from you-you turn towards the sound and see him walk towards you with his eyes wandering over his own hands and legs as if he recovered them from somewhere “Heh, I was actually hoping I wasn’t going to wake up after that”

“Why did you do that!? Why did you…” Castiel holds his head with an irritated grimace appearing on his lips “After everything…you still…”

“You know me, I never listen” Dean scoffs, his voice a little meaner than Castiel had expected- he was the infuriated one here “And…I don’t know really. I don’t know why I did that”

“You left Sam-you left…how…why would you-”

Dean’s less of a blur now in his view, his head hangs low with his arms crossed-his features sharp and crisp in the weightless air, his eyes the same vivid shade of green and his lips curled but not enough for a smile. He looks at Castiel, his eyes emanating the answer without uttering a word “Dean… you knew the risks…”

“I knew”

“You knew what I had to do”

“I did, to an extent”

“You said you didn’t trust me”

“I didn’t”

“Then why the hell did you follow me down here?”

“Because!-”

He stammers with his risen clenched hand. Dean’s lips quiver as his marble eyes look away and brushes away an invisible tear, his face flushed the more he watches him with the contempt leaking from his eyes profusely.

“You know why- stop acting like you didn’t know…that….you were so oblivious this whole time”

“You know what? This is why I wanted…all of this. The parts where you forgot about me and we were okay not knowing one another”

“Yeah, look how that turned out”

“…My point is…if we never met, we wouldn’t have **any** of this. The apocalypse, The Collapse and everything in between-our lives would’ve been easier to waste away than watch it become…”

Dean watches him hesitate

“…This…endless cycle of grief, of awaiting the day where we weren’t at each other’s throats for once, where we would just be…home. Just knowing the world through each other’s eyes and just…cherish it for every waking moment in our lives. To just watch you laugh over your own stupidity but also just see **you** before…someone else took it away”

Castiel feels his hand turn him around abruptly and he peers into him with an unknown longing. Dean grabs his hand and places it upon his chest, even with his prevalent shock Castiel eases into his touch and unclenches; his palm easily rests as if it belonged there. Dean places his own hand over his, making sure they both felt every word pour out “You feel this?”

Castiel stares at him as he tries to pull away but Dean keeps him steady-his eyes soothing the thoughts that he keeps shutting in “This is because of you…you saved **this** , no matter how broken and fucked up it was, **you saved it**. You brought me back to my brother, to my **family** and I know I never really thanked you or really appreciated you for it, even after we became…friends” He gives off a choked laugh “But you saw something in me, you always saw something in me worth saving and that’s why…that’s why you always came back to me…to fight for that part of me. It’s insane really…you say that we’re…unhealthy or that we’re poison to each other but I can’t for the life of me **see** it that way. I mean! Have you seen Sam and me? The guy betrayed me because he was amped up on demon blood! Hell he’s left multiple times after that…”

Castiel laughs a bit at his comment, his tears lingering in the corner of his eye as he watches Dean endearingly. He stares back the same way, the creases around his eyes deep and his lashes golden even in this bland domain “We’re all levels of fucked up-but giving up on each other was never really an option for either of us. We saw someone **worth** saving, someone who deserved to **live** even if life kept giving them curveballs. You…are no exception to that”

“Dean…”

“No Cas…you need to see that… **you’re worth saving** , as much as Sam and anyone else on this goddamn planet because…you’re the only part of me that deserves to…that deserves those fleeting moments more than anyone”

“Fleeting moments?”

“Yeah-yeah, you know…those… Sam told me that those things are what makes life worth fighting for, you know? Even if everything seems to suck we always have those moments to hang on to-to give us strength to fight even more”

“Heh, yeah I think I understand”

“See? You know but you’re still…so hell bent on….ending it all”

“I guess a certain blonde haired idiot rubbed off on me a little too much”

“That’s not funny”

“It is. A little bit”

Dean chuckles weakly, his face is a little less worn out as he looks into those familiar blues, gazing upon the shades that somehow keep changing the longer he peers into them.

“Dean?”

“Hmm?”

“You know this changes nothing, right?”

“Why?”

“Because…”

“Why, Cas?” he grabs Castiel’s waist and pulls him in with his free hand, he was really making sure he doesn’t escape his grasp this time, the sensuality almost made his blood boil over.

“Because…”

He peers into him even more, his hungry lips just waiting for him to speak.

“What if I told you that…I saw us but different versions of us? And each one of them didn’t see something worth saving or they basically couldn’t save each other, having almost no control over the circumstance”

He makes a questioning glance but he listens intently

“Well…something inside of me changed. I saw it as a way out, I mean there I was watching us go insane over each other, meeting and losing each other in innumerable ways and…I took it as a sign-as something I could fix, something that could save us both. And I never realized how **selfish** of an act it was, to just erase everything and bring you and Sam back-completely tampered with and nowhere to go but…somewhere far from me”

His shoulders shake from the pain rising in his chest and the lump in his throat “I thought…I thought I could make the hate and pain inside you a little less…I thought I could give Sam a life where he doesn’t have to lose his brother over and over again. But even now I screwed **everything** up. I made everything worse by tangling with those…things-the same things that took you away from me and…I took all of them as a result to just…be strong enough to give back everything I took from you! Can’t you see Dean? Can’t you see what saving me does? It only brings… **this**. This hideous monstrosity that corrupts everything he touches, I’m tainted and the only way I can…the only way I can fix all of this is…”

“Stop it”

“I lied! I lied this whole time! About not knowing what I was doing! I pledged and pledged that I was going to protect you and Sam and that I was going to make things alright by consuming their powers and rewriting everything! But this damn vessel…this body? It kept failing on me the more essence I took. I was too weak to protect you when they attacked the first time and…I just…couldn’t? I just couldn’t see any other way but **that** ”

“Cas…”

“You think **this** is worth saving? **This**?!” Castiel pulls on the ends of his coat from the frustration-his mouth agape and his eyes glistening from the tears that stream over his panting face. He looks at Dean defeated, barely holding on. 

“ **And you think this is?!** ” Dean screams as he pushes him away, his eyes full of anguished anger “You think I was worth saving? Was Sam? Did you regret that decision too?” He swallows and rubs his hand over his face “Who gave you the right to save me when…why do you have a say in who deserves to be saved or not…just why, Cas?”

A pang of guilt starts to bubble inside of them simultaneously-for a moment the light in the clouds felt a little dimmer in their eyes “I’ve fucked up everything I’ve cared for, everything I’ve loved! Nothing stays long with someone like me…nothing ever lasts but I still…try, Cas. I’ll keep trying until I finally find some way to break the cycle…I mean…” he falters as he runs his hand through his hair, biting his lip as he tries to breathe “I have not been a good man…I’ve tried **for years** -years to try and be remotely anything my parents…my **father** wanted me to be. I’ve cared for Sammy since I was fucking…my life hasn’t been kind to me-let’s just say that…I suppose”

Castiel listens with his head hung low; he couldn’t bring himself to look at him this way. But Dean wanted him to, just hanging onto that sliver of hope that he would “I am…lethal to be with…hell anyone who gets to live for more than a week with me is considered a win” He clutches onto his chest “I try every fucking day to not be…and I try my damn best to not fuck shit up for once, for Sam…for you and every person that chose to have any form of affiliation with me. You know who should be ending his life right now?”

“Dean…”

“You know who should’ve been fucking wiped off the map long ago? So that he could give his brother a fighting chance out there? So that he could actually let the people he cares about have a fucking life outside of this shit that I choose to lead and face every day? You think it’s easy for someone like me to…”

Castiel rushes to him without hesitation and pulls him into an embrace, Dean didn’t realize how much he wanted him to listen “I can’t save anyone Cas, I never deserved to be saved by you or Sam. It’s all meaningless, all of this…no matter…no matter how much I try to change things it always ends up hurting people…”

“You don’t mean that, please say you don’t believe any of that”

“Dad knew since the beginning-he may be the only one who knew it even before I did. I was always **broken** , ever since my mom died, ever since Sam left for Stanford, ever since my dad… I was never **whole** -everything I... we only bring ruin to those who chose to be in our worthless lives…we kill ourselves and each other just to…feel a little less like an asshole” Dean speaks into his coat as his breaths torment him, completely shaken up over the his words. Castiel couldn’t comprehend the loss he feels as he holds his fleeting life in his arms “You hold me even now and all I can think is how much pain I’ve caused you…you’re my **family** , my **home** and I’ve managed to ruin this too. You think your touch corrupts, right?” He pulls away and grabs Castiel’s hand again but this time he places it on his cheek, his eyes searing into his as the tears fall slowly. The freckles are more vivid than he had remembered them to be-but just as beautiful.

“You think this is corrupt? You think this was worth saving, all of this? This fucking…screw up?” 

Castiel lets his hand rest upon his cheek and then his chin and then his lips; he kept tracing every inch of his face and wipes away the tears he so willingly let out. Usually he always restrained himself from these gestures but Castiel felt more admiration seep through his eyes the more he held him together, just like he did all those years ago.

“I made an exception for you”

“Why?”

“Because you’re different”

Dean’s eyes widen as Castiel pulls him close and rests his own cheek upon his, he places a gentle kiss on his forehead, his jaw and the creases around his eye. He relishes the touch and gentility of it all and holds Castiel closer. They keep ahold of each other as Castiel starts to speak in his ear “ **Dean Winchester is saved!** That’s what I said when I pulled you out from hell all those years ago. I remember picking out every piece of you, all your thoughts and your aches, everything within the palm of my hand. I was a part of you before you even knew me…I felt you and it scared the hell out of me…holding something so precious and good. All I could think was ‘This is someone I rebuilt, someone I managed to hold together with every instinct telling him otherwise, I managed to save someone who never saw anything beyond his broken reflection’… That’s what I always wanted, to bring your broken pieces back to you and save you all over again. But you gave me much more than that, you gave me a **chance** …you gave me something before you even knew me. That’s how much you matter to me”

Dean holds him close as they join their foreheads, both cold and brittle by the air that surrounds them “You spent your whole life saving people, making sure that they never feel the loss that you and your family endured. And because of that you always held yourself accountable for things you couldn’t stop. You never…gave yourself a chance because of it. I’ve seen you and I know you enough to say that you…”

“Cas…”

“…are someone who possesses so much good within yourself that you end up breaking apart from time to time” Castiel kisses his cheek slowly and continues doing it without any restraint “There’s no shame in being broken Dean. You are much more than your parents’ concocted idea of you. You are more than just Sam’s older brother...you’re more than the words you use to bring yourself down and you’re so much more than what your failures define you…you’re **endless** , Dean. So vast and…its terrifying to get through even an ounce of you but seeing you carry this being is what gave me purpose…it’s what gave everyone purpose, to keep on fighting.” He watches his lost eyes wander around his face as the stillness around their feet starts to fade. But nothing fazes them as they continue to stare haplessly.

“You are worth saving, the days may end and the earth may collapse again but you will always be worth saving, Dean Winchester” Castiel cradles his face in his shaky hands, he doesn’t know why he feels so nervous around him even though this all feels so natural to him, to just hold him the way he wanted to. Dean places his hand upon Castiel’s flushed face, so blue were the eyes that clutch onto his heart strings that call out to him. There is an emptiness inside of him as he watches Castiel this way with his fear rising in his chest; this was all too good to be true.

“Cas? Why are you…what is going on?”

“Things are being rewritten”

“Cas you can’t do this! I thought things would change…I thought we’d find a better way”

“This is the only choice we have”

“I won’t allow it…no more bullshit!”

“It’s okay”

Dean pants as they hold each other, his mouth agape and failing to process anything coming out of Cas’ mouth.

“You’re okay” Castiel holds his face and doesn’t let his gaze falter “You’re going to be okay, everything is going to be okay”

He holds him delicately, his eyes a few shades darker the more he pours himself out to the man barely holding himself together, it all felt so nostalgic, just grabbing the pieces that continued to fall from his eyes.

“No more goodbyes, I’m sick of it…just…just stay? That’s all I want now, all I ever need from now on. So just…” Dean clutches onto him, a clingy hopelessness seeping from his hands as it touches Castiel’s frigid back. He struggles holding his body as he shakes his head, the green pools only filled with grief and anguish as his hands kept slipping-as Castiel felt lighter in his heavy heart.

“Things will be different now, I promise you that…” He breathes into him, their breathing fails at scraping away the fear in their eyes “You’re my most cherished gift, my bludgeoned regret, my broken soldier and every shattered constellation that brightened these fragmented days…mine and mine alone, Dean. And nothing has made me happier”

“No more of this… **I can’t** …”

“No more…” Castiel smiles as he sighs heavily, his eyes wander over Dean’s face and cradles it one more time before he draws him close. This really was the last time he’d be seeing him, this flawed, beautiful mortal being who always drew him out even if he couldn’t do the same, this mortal being he would sacrifice himself for over and over again.

_It’s being rewritten_

“ **Don’t make me forget** … **don’t you dare make me forget you again** …” Dean speaks in his deep, shaky voice as he pulls Castiel in and finally reaches his lips, longingly so. Cas looks wide eyed but falls irrevocably into his arms, tasting every ounce of his mangled cries that he breathes into him. His heart beats against his and hopelessly holds his whole body together, he feels himself weaken but the taste of him kept him afloat. He ravages his heart for more as Dean deepens his kiss and pleads, just anything that could stop the world from ending around them. 

_So sinister this feels_

_This lovers' impasse._

_An eternity of memories all tormented and torn, because its divinity is what ends you._

_Because I love you so, cursed or not._

_Your bleeding core so fiery red and blue eternal._

_My poor plucked Angel's wings work no more._

**I feel his grace burn within me, his lips so tender upon these scars I hide so deeply. The rift between our souls now tangled up in this mess we forgot to cherish. I see the stars burst above him as he stares at me with a familiar gaze-I see him weep within a broken church, his head upon a broken statue as he waits for a voice to call him back. I see him now, his hair a shade darker and his eyes a lot bluer than the grace that exists upon his lips, he stares even now as I gaze upon him-just him. He knows my name and he holds it gently in his tainted breaths, he runs away and I’m unconscious all over again. Doomed to live a life where he’ll never say my name again.**

_Your eyes icy crystal blue, so wounded by the sun that melts into my watered grass and honey pools sublime._

_Gleefully drowning in you, my flightless Angel._

_You hold me so, so burnt are your fingers on my lips_

_But your taste is my dream, so pure and complete_

_Wishing I could take you all._

_Charred Wings and cracked open smiles,_

_Oh smiles I wish I could keep_

_A bloodied halo with starbursts supreme_

_Oh love, my love that is forlorn_

**He feels blurry in my arms, a hazy cosmic entity that I can’t let go of, no matter how much I try. His wings bleed a myriad of colors on my arms, my arms that can’t seem to pull him back no matter…no matter…**

“I love you” he hears him say as he buries himself in his lips once more, a fleeting kiss just erasing itself the moment it reached him. He feels the end within his grasp, he needs more time…he just needs **more** time.

_I see the sun upon the ocean, the waves delicate on the sand that reaches my bare toes. Seagulls fly high above me and I smile at the sight-their porcelain bodies swaying in the skies._

_I see Sam when he was 14, his head buried in a book- Arabian Nights. He hides his smile and wide eyes under a blanket as Dad lays asleep on the bed near him, seizing his moment in any way he could. How small he looked under that sheet of wonders._

_I sit on the roof of the impala with a beer in my hand. I watch the stars teary eyed and count the ones that fall, hoping that I’d find the one I had been waiting for._

_I see us parked near a river, maybe years or days from now. My legs sway within its cold texture and wince at the touch, Sam sits nearby with his eyes buried in a book once more. He looks up and smiles towards me with a shake of his head. He radiates by the afternoon sun and I laugh in his direction and lose myself in the flow all over._

_I think of someone, someone I managed to lose all over again._

_And I break_

_Until all of it comes crumbling down._

There is a sound

A flittering, minute sound

It echoes in this space

Nothing exists beyond this point

The sound remains

And it ends

_All has been rewritten_

_So let us begin again_


	10. Log 29.0: Permanence

**I feel it leave**

**It whispers into my ears**

**Something profound**

**Just slipped through my hands**

**And I fight the urge to end it all**

I’m on my knees now, the colors of the world beneath me. There are greens and browns in the ground, the dirt rich as my hands bury themselves within them, there’s a lot to say and a lot to feel but for some reason I can’t do any of that.

I just watch my hands be covered in dirt.

I turn and stare at the birds circling in the lavender and peach sky, their sounds hurried and dramatic in the dusk. I see clouds again and a blurry sun rising in the west behind the colored mountain peaks, but the darkness still lingers. Darkness I can’t seem to get enough of frankly. I see the torn up building from before, the space you entered 6 years ago. It’s almost pristine even in its dilapidated and displaced state, a piece of art being swallowed by the moss growing in its fissures. There are no more veins circling the interior but small light blue flowers bloom from the cracks and broken shards of glass from the windows. They’re lifeless upon the ground and somehow break away from the specks of light and dust hovering over my head, its meaningless really-all of this.

“Dean?” A lost voice traces its way towards you but you don’t move-you just don’t feel like it that’s all. The heavy shuffling of feet reaches my back and I feel a gust of wind as they fall to their knees too, their large arms lace around my waist and pull me into an embrace. Their head falls on mine, their recognizable brown locks tampering with my vision the moment they did “Dean?” He talks through a stifled sob.

“I’m here. I’m right here, Sam” I grasp onto his arms and hold him steady, my thumb caresses his dusty cut up wrists and my tears don’t do them any favors, it just messes up his skin more and I just feel angry at the thought, I feel angry at everything “Are…are you okay? Your ankle looks…healed”

“Is it? Heh, I didn’t notice”

“Our clothes are different too”

“Are they?” I look at my usual combination of plaid and layers “I didn’t notice that either”

Sam’s breaths slither through my collar and it sends an unsettling warmth down my back, it doesn’t bother me but I feel helpless as I try to calm him down somehow “You’re okay. Just breathe. I think it’s over” 

“We should go outside… I don’t think I can stand the sight of this place anymore”

“Come on”

Sam stands upright and gazes at the broken crevice within the walls, I see him point towards it lethargically as I struggle trying to get up from the ground. He pulls me up and laces my arm around his shoulder because I kept falling down, I was a pathetic excuse of a big brother right now-I can’t feel anything inside my body that’s all-it means nothing. I’ll be alright soon. We walk slowly and see the first rays of light hit the ground. Sam flinches at first but eases into the yellow glow, something he never thought he’d be able to see again. He gives off a small laugh as he walks alongside me, his eyes glitter and I see every color be reflected back, the greens and the rising sun adding a golden tint within them. I let go and stand on my own, my hands scratching the back of my head and stare at the shadowy sun myself. I feel It pour over me but at the same time I don’t…really feel. We continue walking towards the gate and the same concrete wall that surrounded this cursed place, Sam’s steps are prevalent and strangely energetic, he feels happy it seems and it brought some solace watching him act his usual self again.

**I don’t know if I feel the same though.**

“Dean!” Sam pulls my arm out of nowhere and he starts running, his bright smile hides something much deeper but his golden aura makes it hard to see through it.

“What the hell?!” I jolt by his strength and allow myself be carried away, his hair blows effortlessly in the wind and for a moment it feels like we’re kids again-the adrenaline rush making the world around us buzz with zeal. He pushes the gate with his shoulder and both of you flinch from the rusty encounter and feel its screech rupture your eardrums, but it does bring a small smile on my face even if it lasts a few seconds.

We stare wide eyed at the brown and orange leaves piled over our object of interest, our hearts almost stopped at the sight-me in particular.

“No fucking way” I feel my lungs fail, Sam nudges me from the side and gives me an appreciative nod and I look towards him and gesture even further. We place our hands on the roof and slide away the dirt and leaves together- our coughs emanate in the wind as we finally see the same black shine resonate in our eyes. Our former Metallicar- **my** **baby**

“I…I can’t believe she’s still here…she’s still…” I run my hand over the hood and her roof; she looked a bit strained from being stagnant all these years, but in my heart I knew I’d spend my time with her. She’s something I know I can fix with my tainted hands; something I know will turn out alright. I feel something vibrate in my jeans and jump by the sensation; Sam goes through the same procedure and manages to procure his phone. We stare at the names flashing on the screen and feel numb at what we were seeing. It had been so long since we…I honestly forgot we even had these…

Sam slides his thumb over the screen and answers with a furrowed brow “…Jody?” his eyes flicker and meet mine, I end up ignoring my own calls in the process. His eyes mellow down at the sound; you could hear Jody’s yelling from the other side “We’re…well, it’s kind of a long story. A really long one…so can you actually update us on how long you’ve been trying to contact us?”

I hear Jody use a few swear words and I chuckle at how she continued to spit into Sam’s ears, his eyes squinting as if being scolded by a parent “What? You’ve been contacting us for 4 months? Are…are you sure that’s really it? No-no I’m not questioning it…it just seems impossible that’s all…” Sam runs his hand through his hair and watches me in a relieved kind of way. I turn my phone on and see the notifications flashing on the screen, an endless list of calls from Crowley, some notifications and updates from Garth, Claire dropped in a message or two as well, Charlie sent some photos regarding shenanigans of her own, Jody’s messages and emails regarding a case from long ago…its agonizing to go through it all. I kept staring at the call log and kept swiping downwards to see everyone who managed to call us these past few months, the date and time flashing in my eyes- as if taunting me for my absence-as if the Collapse never even happened.

I freeze at a familiar name and feel my blood become dense in my veins. I don’t hesitate as I touch the call button, my hands shake as I place it against my ear and wait until something comes back from the other end

“I don’t understand…why…why do you want me to say my name? _Bleep_ ”

I feel a faint smile emerge from the voice message, he never even bothered changing the damn thing after all…after all these years…

“Yeah… I’ll keep you updated on everything Jody…it’s just that…we were on a case that kind of got really, **really** messy. Dean and I managed to get out alright though. Dean? Yeah he’s with me; just really rattled. We just need some time to recover from it that’s all. You want to talk to him? Okay so- **Dean**?!” Sam turns his neck abruptly as he sees me collapsed on my knees and holding onto my chest from the pain, his voice still lingers in my ears and I can’t find myself to breathe “Jody!? I’ll call you back…something’s come up...Huh? Yes-yes everything’s fine I’ll call you back I promise!” Sam cuts the call and starts shaking my shoulders from behind “Dean? DEAN? Hey-hey-hey…” he struggles to keep me on my feet as I choke on the air leaving my body.

**I feel his death break me apart- just make it stop.**

Sam’s concerned eyes wander over me as I shuffle from the turmoil, he sees my phone slip from my fingers, the name clear in his view and I feel his grief seep into me.

“Sammy I… **I couldn’t** …”

“Its okay, Dean” Sam laces his arms around my shoulders and across my chest, he stalls any form of movement and I feel paralyzed “Just take a deep breath”

“He was right there…right here in my…and even then I couldn’t… **damn it** Sam I just…”

“We’ll think of something…we’ll…”

“He gave us…he ended everything even after…even after I… **I left you** , Sam. I left you alone and even then he… he was never going to come back after everything…Damn it Sam I can’t breathe… **I can’t take it anymore** ”

“I’m not angry…I understand Dean, I…”

“ **I could’ve saved him. I could’ve…I could’ve saved him…** ”

Sam holds me and buries his face in my right shoulder, his fingers tremble from my constant garble and tears. **I feel everything now**. I feel everything slip away the longer I cried. I kept hoping, I keep hoping even now. **Come back**. **Come back**. **Come back**.

The yellow light pours over their coats and scratched skins. They remain still as the sun slowly rises and makes the land bleed, but they pay no heed. They only feel each other’s comfort as the sun warms their brittle bones and drowsy eyes, their morose exhales making the air heavy around them.

But the brothers lay

_The brothers lay_

* * *

**Some Day, February**

The motel’s neon sign was blazing and sending off a strange colored steam in the rain, he watches it from behind a dusty curtained window and rubs his hands over his thighs-his jeans stinging the scratches upon them.

“Why are you still dressed?”

A woman enters from the bathroom door wearing nothing but a maroon bra and fitted panties, her long curly hair falling upon her sculpted body and pushed up breasts. She walks towards him, polished finger nails and all and slides them through his free hand as he downs a beer can with the other, sighing at the forced contact.

“Yeah…I don’t think I’m feeling up to it”

“You were feeling it back at the bar” she coos into his ear and waits for him to react to her touching “I thought you wanted to lay off some steam the way you kept forcing yourself on me” She pushes on further and tries to rile some emotion out of him, but he stands motionless.

“Yeah…this was a bad idea” He shuffles in the dark and takes his auburn jacket from the dresser “You can…you can leave if you want but I’ve paid for the room so…” he comments groggily as he fumbles with his jacket. After he finally manages to get it on he rushes through the door, not even stopping to hear the girl retaliate about the rain.

**What the hell is wrong with me? Third one this week**

The rain drops were heavy on his head as he shuffles towards baby awkwardly, his hair soggy upon his forehead and his breaths paving a smoky path in the air-he felt nauseas by the beer and rain smell from his clothes but he couldn’t….what was he thinking about again?

He takes his keys out and shakily opens the door and the cold leathery smell invites him in. His phone starts ringing and he rolls his eyes at the name that flashes before he picks up, his eyes struggling to adjust to the impala’s light “Mm…Yeah?”

“Dude-What the hell?”

Dean pouts as he keeps his brother on speaker and places his phone on the dash board, trying to dry out the wetness in his locks and his clothes “How many times do I gotta tell ya? I went out for a drive”

“Are you…drunk?”

“….No”

“Dean…”

“Well, yeah. I had a drink or two. Maybe more, but why does that matter? I’m on vacation! Maybe I wanna make mistakes”

“Well drunk driving in the frickin’ rain is pretty stupid” Sam’s tone is sarcastic but Dean can already see the disappointed smirk on his lips “Just send me your location and I’ll come get you”

“Stop babysitting me man, its fucking annoying at this point”

“Well don’t do things that make me worry about you!”

The both of them stay silent for a while. Dean sits in his seat half awake and watches the rain pound on the windshield- he can barely see through the watery pools but he still stares, his gaze shifting from the empty seat beside him from time to time. It felt so goddamn lonely out here and he knew better than to roam around and get plastered, let alone pick up anyone he fancied just to bail on them the last minute. He knew that but even then-

“Come home, Dean”

“I’ll come home, you know I always do”

“It’s been 2 days”

“I just…”

Sam sighs on the other end, he’s patient- **so fucking patient** -with trash like me. Why do I keep doing this over and over again?

“I thought I’d get laid or something, maybe after a few drinks, snacks and songs I’d feel a little different but…I don’t know-I just can’t go through with it for some reason, so I end up just doing one thing and spending the next day worrying about the splitting headache”

“Yeah, I can guess what that one thing might be”

“Hey, I’m just talking here. I don’t need that judgmental tone of yours”

“I’m not-” he hears a strange rattling on the other end, most probably Sam placing one end of the phone on his forehead out of frustration, he had a habit of doing that “Just…come home. Now. I don’t want to delay this any longer”

“Delay what? We’re talking aren’t we?”

“No Dean. It’s been a month…”

Silence ensues again, the rain drumming away the daunting emptiness from the inside

“…Come home. Get a coffee, clear your head and give me an update every 15 minutes-before the rain gets any worse” Sam cuts the call before Dean could respond, his responses were already slow enough because of the buzzing in his ears. Dean rubs his face and places his forehead on the steering wheel, hoping that his pulsating pain would subside soon. He realizes after a while that he’s crying, it’s a strange reaction to have right now but he just feels empty, so burned out from the thoughts and images circling in his mind, no amount of liquor could manage to erase that-no matter how persistent he was to test that theory again and again.

The pouring rain drowns out the sobbing and he hopes no one was nearby to hear him.

* * *

> _These are the days we're making up as we go  
>  We drift through the hollows to find the old road  
> Don’t remember days of your sorrow_

Sam adjusts the dial on the radio, shaking it a bit to remove the static somehow but he gives up, thinking that the station was at fault. He was fiddling with it the day before and he finally managed to get it work, there wasn’t much to do in the bunker especially when they were taking a break from hunting. Has it been a month already? Where did the time even go?

Ever since coming back he’s found it hard to settle down in this time frame again. The first few weeks were agonizing for both him and Dean, the comfort of the bunker seemed so unreal when they took their first steps. Visits from Jody, Garth and Crowley-funnily enough-didn’t really make things easier on them-Dean in particular. He’s always repressing something and hiding behind his gentle smile but Sam knew what clouded his mind even if he buried himself in porn and alcohol. It’s a miracle they even walk around normally at this point, let alone even consider taking on any jobs in the near future-it’s just temporary, Sam hopes.

He scrunches his nose at the thought and places the radio on the top shelf. He’ll organize these books and miscellaneous, it would calm him down somehow, it usually always does. He starts pulling the massive things out and towers them over each other by category and topic, some even by authors and thickness.

This is supposed to be calming, right?

> _Remember when you heard the call  
>  Carry today & tomorrow  
> And rightly count the who's and whens  
> Some people say money, and others say plans  
> But I'm hungry for freedom that never changes hands_

Sam hears a loud echo of a metal door opening and closing, footsteps down the stairs cue in soon after-he flinches and swallows at the sound, knowing fully well who it was. He pulls up his sleeve and looks at the time blinking on his watch-It took him 3 hours? He wasn’t that far and even then he?

“Sam?” Dean’s thick voice roars in the bunker, his steps seemed stable enough, he still wondered if he was drunk but chose to deliberate on that later “In here!” Sam shouts from the doorway and goes back to the endless metal shelves waiting to be organized, the radio humming away in the room as he does. He now waits.

> _Spring, summer and autumn leave me restless  
>  Will winter bring its peace to man?  
> But hidden in time there is a constant  
> If we can only enter in_

He hears his grunts enter the room and Sam turns to meet his gaze. Dean looks slightly soaked from his hair with dark shades under his eyes. His face looks drained and weak as he runs his hand through his hair and gives off a forced smile, he knew he was happy to see him by the flickering gleam in his eyes but Sam grew concerned nonetheless. He adjusts the corrected collection of books in one row and dusts his hands off; a kind smile appears on his lips as he pulls out a chair for Dean to sit in.

“Spring cleaning?” He takes the offer and places himself comfortably on the wooden chair, his legs spread wide as he rubbed his hands together, wincing by an unknown pain from doing so.

“Heh, yeah you could say that. Needed to clear my head somehow”

> _I’ve been to your house once  
>  The doors were tall & wide  
> So I was surprised when it was warm inside_

“You got the radio working! It’s nice to see you’re not rusty. Heh” Dean jokes as his eyes follow Sam’s back and quickly turns them away as he looks back. He notices his gesture and decides that it was time to address the matter at hand. He places his back on one of the shelves and crosses his arms before he speaks “Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“How…are you?”

“Fine”

“We both know that isn’t true”

“I’m as fine as any person can be. Wh-What do you want me to say, huh?”

“Tell me the truth, for once”

Dean licks his lips and supports his slouched body by placing his hand on his knee “I am fucking fantastic. Perfect. Amazing. Never been better”

“Dean, just…” Sam rubs his temples as he swallows hard and starts walking towards him slowly “I just want to know if you’re okay”

“What do you think is going on with me? Because whatever it is there’s nothing to worry about. I’m fine”

“No you’re **not** Dean. It…it looks like you haven’t even eaten in two days, have you just been on some bender or something?! Not talking about it will only make this worse! You’re not okay, just admit it!”

“Oh and what will admitting do? Huh?” Dean stands up abruptly, his eyes sullen and wide as he stares at Sam vehemently “Will admitting my guilt and feelings change anything? Will admitting it bring back everything I’ve lost?”

“It may not but at least I won’t be in the dark about it! Dean everything we’ve been through in the past…I know how **difficult** all of it is…I…”

Dean takes a step back and swallows hard, his eyes never faltering.

“ **I miss him too** , Dean”

“Well, **I don’t** ”

Sam’s eyes emit an incomprehensible look as he tries to come up with a sentence “I know you’re hurting but…”

“No Sam. I mean what I say. I don’t miss him. Frankly speaking? I’m really pissed at him- I feel nothing but anger towards the guy. Not only did he actually pull off his stupid fucking plan the second time but he made me think that….”

Sam raises his eyebrow with fascination

“He made me think that he…. does it matter, really? Nothing matters” Dean chokes on his words and Sam sees him struggle to breathe, whether it was from anger or sadness he couldn’t really grasp it, it was always a strange grey area with Dean.

“You know you’re just repeating these unhealthy habits all over again, Dean. Cas wouldn’t want this”

“Oh yeah-you see him anywhere, huh? What is he going to do about it?” Dean comments with his outstretched arms “Hey Cas! Sam actually thinks you’re going to scold me or something! Hah!

“Stop it, Dean”

Sam’s tone fell deeply from his lips as it inundated in the room with a strange heaviness, even Dean paused from the change and swallowed hard, his eyes wet even from his forced grin.

“You’re my brother, you can’t fool me by diffusing the situation or…or…by pretending Dean! It’s not going to cut it, not anymore” he gulps as he places his hands on his shoulders, Dean shakes his head and looks elsewhere but he doesn’t push him away “Do you remember how we all started out? I always thought you were this indestructible force that just couldn’t be brought down, I was too stupid to look past all of your glamour then. I’m not that little kid you can deceive anymore Dean. We’ve been on this road too many times and sadly I always see it ending the same way because you refuse to change your ways. We’re family, remember? Don’t think that I can’t understand or help you through this. I just want you to **let** me, is that so hard for you to understand?”

“That’s not the issue Sam. The thing is….” Dean stops and swallows, he deliberates in his head whether he wants to continue but Sam’s persistent eyes force it out of him “If…If I **admit** everything that’s wrong…If I just lay everything down I…I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do anything ever again, Sam. Don’t get me wrong, I’m trying-I swear to you I’m fucking **trying** but…it’s just going to take me some time. Maybe months, maybe years but I need to find that safe space inside of my head again on my own”

“I know Dean, I know. But what you need to get is that I’m right here-I’ll always be right here through it all because no one deserves to be alone in this. **No one** ”

“I know…I know” Dean pats Sam’s cheek and places his hand on his shoulder. It slowly slips and lingers on his elbow until Dean pulls away and places it on his waist. His eyes look a little more toned down than before with his movements loose and free as he walks but he could be wrong-it could still be his drunken state making him behave this way “I guess…I never really gave you credit for doing things like this. I was always the one worrying about everyone I guess I kind of forgot that…it never occurred to me that…”

“Yeah, clearly” Sam laughs and meets Dean’s eyes “I’m glad that you…that you’re back, Dean. I know it’s hard to break through that persona but you need to be reminded time after time-you’re only human and making it hard on yourself won’t really…it’ll just hurt more, keeping all of that pain inside of you. Whatever it is we’re gonna get through this, together. I’m not leaving this time, no more leaving, okay?”

_No more goodbyes, I’m sick of it…just…just stay_

“Dean?”

“Yeah. No more leaving. Amen to that” Dean blinks in a disturbing way but his voice was his usual, vigorous self. He has a restrained smile as he walks away and groans by the aching joints in his body “I’m gonna go crash-I feel like my feet are gonna give out any moment. I don’t think this life suits me” he chuckles as he walks into the hallway.

“I’m gonna go out and get some food, maybe even do a pie run?” Sam jokes back and hears Dean hum in a childish way; he feels himself smile and pops his head outside to see whether Dean was actually keeping his word this time.

He was.

“I’m gonna be back in a while, okay?” He raises his eyebrow and waits for a response back.

“Okaaaayyyy” Dean groans back and closes the door behind him. Sam has a ridiculous grin on his face and he feels the strange heaviness in his body be lifted- it feels a little less complex in his head again knowing that Dean was a few steps away.

Sam knows it wasn’t going to be easy, he’s known that for a while now but even this interaction alone was a win-they’ll figure things out slowly…they just have to.

> _Take me to a room I can lay down in  
>  And let me hear the songs they sing  
> Or quiet my mind - let me hear softly  
> The simple song you're whispering_

Sam feels his phone vibrate as he pulls out his car keys, he watches its flashing lights and makes sure no one was listening before he answers

“Yeah, now isn’t a good time”

“Well hello to you too moose”

Sam rolls his eyes at Crowley’s unusually flirty tone “I’m only calling you because I saw your texts, did you really have no one else to bother even after everything?”

“Hey, I wouldn’t have asked if I could do it myself”

“Aah the typical Winchester excuse, how did I not see that coming?”

“Do you want to help me or not? Or maybe I should call Rowena instead?”

“No-no…I want to help, I am your favorite demon after all” He snickers into the phone and Sam feels himself flinch from the sound “How is dear Benedick doing? Has he come back home?”

“He’s…” Sam makes a questionable expression at Crowley’s reference but chooses to ignore it “He’s come back, yeah. Gonna go get some food for him. He’s…trying, I can see that but I know him better than that. He’s still….”

“Hmm, well at least he’s back. You won’t have to worry about calling him 24/7 now”

“I suppose…but whatever that’s going on inside is what I’m worried about”

“Can’t be a Winchester if one isn’t messed up in the head a little”

“Heh, yeah I guess you can say that” Sam twitches as he brushes his finger through his hair and glances at his watch.

“So, you want to get down to business?”

Sam doesn’t hesitate as he responds

“Yeah…so Crowley, I need your help in finding someone” He turns the lights off and places his hand on the doorknob “It’s…its Cas”

The darkness grows as Sam closes the door behind him, his shuffling feet fading away in the many rooms inside the Bunker.

Everything fades away in the dust and the music that dims from the radio

* * *

**Some Day, April**

“What time is it?” Dean asks as he drives at a slow pace, his eyes shielded behind some broad frame sunglasses as his skin shines in the afternoon sun.

“Its 2:30” Sam wriggles his dangling watch away. The smell of wheat and the crisp warm sun wafted into the car and broke away its typical coolness. Red framed sunglasses dance on the bridge of Sam’s nose as his eyes wander over the uncharted ochre fields in the horizon, he fixes his hair by the gentle wind that flows through them and smiles at the clouds shifting above him.

“Maybe we should’ve come out earlier…it’s gonna take us a while to go back from here and…”

“Dude, just relax for once” Sam pats his shoulder harshly as he smiles “We’re not on a schedule today so we can worry about going home whenever”

“You’re awfully less fussy today, what have you done with my brother?” Dean jokes with his teeth flashing wide as he takes a turn towards the right, the impala purring underneath his fingers

“I mean…we’ve been waiting to do something like this for years now so for once I just want you to not think about anything. We have food and beer and…” Sam touches the dashboard softly as he beams “…even if we don’t have everything and everyone, at least we have parts of it, you know? That’s why I don’t want any senile talk happening today”

“Oh, now you think I’m old?” Dean pouts sadly as his eyes shift from the rearview mirror and Sam

“We’re both old, man. That’s why we need this today-heh-who knows if we’ll be willing to take a break later? Even with Garth, Jody and the others working on new cases…”

“They’re not us. I get what you mean” Dean sighs at his comment and brings the car to a slow stop “But it’s nice to know that there are people out there who can handle things for us when we’re not around”

“Yeah, we keep getting new recruits every now and then. I just wonder if we’re not ruining their lives in the process. I mean…all of this isn’t easy”

“When is anything easy honestly?”

Sam hums an agreeable response and watches Dean turn the ignition off “ Let the relaxing begin” he grunts as he opens the door and steps out, Sam steps out a little slowly in comparison to take in the view, his lungs feel cleansed by the air he breathes in.

The river glows blue and green with slivers of gold from the sun. The grass was bleeding out hues of flaxen sands with hints of chartreuse melting in the middle. Sam’s eyes glitter by the water’s reflection and his body feels at ease the more his eyes wandered, picking up every trace of dirt, stone and hopefully fish that lingered within the depths.

“You can gawk later; help me take this stuff out”

“Y-yeah, on it”

Sam shuffles towards the door on his side and pulls out the ice box and beige blanket “Heh, you definitely came prepared-blankets and all” Sam chuckles as he closes the door with his leg and starts walking towards the edge of the river. He bends down after he places the items down and swirls his fingers in the cold water.

“Hey, when I make a plan I **make** sure we have everything. I can be organized when I want to be” Dean smirks as he pulls out the wicker basket and cooler. Sam turns around and laughs as he sees Dean carry the picnic basket towards him; he sticks his tongue out and doesn’t let Sam’s humor faze him from having his moment. Dean takes his glasses off and takes in the view himself; the sunlight hits his lavender plaid and black t shirt softly and sends a warmth inside him-he wants to smile but he holds back.

“Ah! I forgot my book in the car” Sam scurries over to the car again and tilts his head in front of the window.

“While you’re at it play something on the deck, you can take your pick from the pile” Dean points backwards without turning around, he settles himself down and starts unlacing his boots.

“Dude I don’t want to listen to any Zeppelin or rock music right now”

“You take that back or else this boot will come flying”

“How about we settle for something on the radio? Maybe hear something other than outdated tracks?” Sam taunts him in a sarcastic way as he pulls out his book and looks back at Dean-who is most probably already planning his murder in his head-even joking about Zeppelin can strike a nerve. 

“Fine, whatever. Don’t want to complain like an old man again” Dean gives up and continues taking his boots and socks off. He pulls the ends of his jeans upwards and keeps rolling them until half of his leg is exposed. Sam laughs inside the car and starts’ fiddling with the ancient dial, static begins to erupt in his space until he finds a frequency that was playing something with a gentle guitar strumming.

> _Goodbye to my Santa Monica dream  
>  Fifteen kids in the backyard drinking wine  
> You tell me stories of the sea  
> And the ones you left behind_

Dean feels the lyrics run over his skin, it didn’t seem bad but it was definitely something he never listens to…but the rhythm of it seemed peaceful and fitting.

He finally braces himself as he dips his legs into the water, the cold stabbing into his skin in the most amazing way “Gaah! Sam! You gotta get a load of this, the waters’ freezing!”

Sam laughs as he watches Dean flinch by the cold texture; he’s sitting on the hood of the car and reading his book “Whatcha readin?” Dean watches him curiously as he places both his hands on the ground beside him.

“Oh, nothing…just a bit of Shakespeare”

“A bit?” Dean makes a questioning glance, his eyebrow raised and lips pouting slightly “I didn’t know you were into plays as such”

“Not a lot, no. But I heard about this one recently so I thought I’d give it a shot-brush up on some of my readings that aren’t for lifting curses or spells for once”

“Heh. Yeah you can say that again” Dean scratches his forehead and sighs “Which one is it? I think I’ve read some Shakespeare in high school but I can’t remember which one”

“Well. This one is Much Ado About Nothing. I can’t believe you’ve read Shakespeare” Sam chuckles as he continues reading and fixes his hair

“Heh, I’m full of surprises”

> _I'm somewhere, you're somewhere  
>  I'm nowhere, you're nowhere  
> You're somewhere, you're somewhere  
> I could go there_
> 
> _But I don't_

Dean feels himself slip away and lets the running water cool his thoughts, as hazy as they were. He feels drunk by the strange strumming inside his chest-it didn’t give him any discomfort but in a way he didn’t want to welcome it permanently. He knows why, he always knew this feeling but it always waned from time to time, but he knew it would always come back-no matter how much he wanted to bury it. 

> _I could call you on the telephone  
>  But do I really want to know?  
> You’re making love now to the lady down the road  
> No I don’t, I don’t want to know_

A trench coat flashes in his mind, slightly calloused hands grab onto him as he smiles through his broken eyes, the lightest blue one could fathom, the lightest he’s ever seen really. He smiles at the thought but regrets it almost instantly-the same swelling bruising his insides and makes him choke, you never learn do you? Why does he always end up in your mind?

A tear falls and creates a small ripple in the river, the tiny silver fishes that circled him suddenly spread out until they were nowhere to be seen. Dean feels a lump in his throat but doesn’t restrain himself from breathing; he kept repeating things in his head that would make him feel a little less heavy.

Just hold on for now… **Hold on**.

The lump subsides as a few tears fall from his cheeks, he stares at the water, the sky, the dirt caught under his finger nails, he tries to think through it all but…it just leaves him numb inside.

_You’re okay. You’re going to be okay, everything is going to be okay_

He smiles at the memory and lets his voice soothe him as Dean sniffs his discomfort away-but only slightly. The water feels warmer around his ankles, the skies rotation feels slower the more he loses himself in his thoughts, in this hollow space that exists between his ribs. The sun still glows upon his cheeks now rosy from his distant smile, his eyes feel ruptured by the gold that kept pouring in but it didn’t hurt him as much as he had wanted it to.

He’s completely dazed and lost in those calloused hands that cradle his face, by wings that wrap around him and heal this empty space from within, a broken shell of a man failing once more.

> _You will tell me stories of the sea  
>  And the ones you left behind  
> And the ones we left behind_

* * *

**One Thursday, June**

> _Before my garment lost it’s white  
>  Before I saw my father cry  
> When fear was never on my mind  
> Take me there_

“Yeah I’m on my way but it’ll take me a few hours to get there”

“Yeah I’m tracking your phone and…yeah I got it”

“Are you seriously tracking me right now? Come on!”

“Hey after everything I think we need this now more than ever. I’m just being careful that’s all”

“Nah, you’re only doing this so you could feel like the boss for once” you chew on a piece of turkey sandwich and chuckle “I know you whine about my drinking to somebody so you’re just making sure I don’t do anything reckless”

“Shut up-you’ve been drinking less these days so…I guess that’s something I don’t have to worry about. And I trusted you enough to let you do the supply run so what makes you say I wanna be boss?” Sam makes a sarcastic comment as you hear him tapping away in the background “You can do whatever you want for all I care”

“Jeez, you don’t need to taunt me emotionally now-how did you get so good at manipulating people?”

“I’m a hunter and a lawyer Dean, you should know my ways by now” he laughs on the other end “Just don’t do anything stupid and come back soon”

“Yeah-yeah okay, see you soon Sammy” you click the phone shut and focus on the dark road ahead, the spotlights lighting your way towards the unknown “Ugh now to deal with this music-where is it?” Dean shuffles around in his tape deck with his free hand, his eyes never leaving the wheel. His hands were shaky and kept fumbling over the cassettes for some reason.

> _When all I saw was silver gold  
>  When shadows didn’t have a hold  
> Before I always needed more  
> Take me there _

“Damn it” you grunt and bring the car to a halt underneath a yellow spotlight “Where the fuck is-?” your head is low with the car humming underneath you.

Until a sudden voice erupts in the darkness

**DEEEEAAAANNNN!**

“What the?!-” you jolt by the scream that hovered in the air “Did someone…?” you lift your head and look outside your window. You wait for a while, your breathing rough against the warm summer air.

> _Bring me to the garden where we’d go  
>  And cleanse my soul, cleanse my soul  
> Free me of this anger that I hold  
> And make me whole, make me whole_

“Guess I was hearing things…again” You shake off the strange goose bumps growing underneath your skin and extend your hand to release the car from its state and switch gears.

**DEEEAANN?**

“Okay I heard it that time!”

You turn off the ignition and push yourself out of the car, a strange hunger lurks in your throat and you swallow out of frustration. Your heartbeat drums in your ears as you shuffle and adjust the pistol shoved in your belt, someone was calling out to you over the barbed fence-the only thing blocking you was the lock on the fragile looking gate.

“Heh. Nothing too complex I suppose” you muse as you aim towards the lock and shoot point blank. The gate sizzles at the impact and pushes inwards abruptly, you waste no time to step in and start running. The voice seemed closer the more you ran towards it, something about it seemed familiar, just the sound of it-but you don’t dwell over it. **If you do you’ll lose sight of what’s happening now, remember that.**

> _Darling won’t you let it go?  
>  You don’t have to let it hold you  
> Listen to the light  
> Don’t let the darkness take you  
> Always in this inner fight  
> Do I listen to the voice that says I’m worthless- never will be right_

The uneven ground and grassy texture made it hard for you to find firm footing but you manage to run at a fast pace with only the moonlight guiding you through it all-what the hell was happening right now? You almost fall from an invisible edge and keep your eyes peeled as you step down towards flatter ground. With closed eyes you breathe in slowly-your gun at the ready if needed. How far had you run? You couldn’t even tell from the spots that appeared before you.

Rubbing your eyes helped a little and you start to see clearly again. The grass you see now was a lot larger and thicker in comparison. There lay a massive open field surrounded by birch trees, the moonlight shines upon the slightly watery greens and what you see in the middle is what takes your breath away completely. Was this a dream again?

You feel it all over again

_It_

_All_

_Came_

_Crumbling_

_Down_

There he lay upon the ground, his trench coat dirty at the ends with the sleeves pulled over his elbows, revealing his strangely pale looking skin in the moonlight. His hair glows by the night sky, completely disheveled and out of control-something befitting of him.

> _Do I try to keep my head up high?  
>  Though I feel that I deserve it all  
> These daggers going through my chest  
> Can’t you see the devastated souls  
> The remains of my own foolishness?_

He hears your frozen footsteps upon the ground and turns to look in your direction, the worry in his eyes fading away and suddenly turning into something else. Something unfathomable but welcoming

> _I’ll bring you to the garden where we’d go_  
>  And cleanse your soul, cleanse your soul  
> I’ll free you of this anger that you hold  
> And make you whole, I’ll make you whole

Their breathing is in synch as they gaze into each other’s eyes, that is all there is. The space between them fading away with each breath they took

Completely and permanently

**Tangled**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song lyrics that I've quoted in this chapter:
> 
> These are the days - Zach Winters
> 
> Santa Monica Dream - Angus and Julia Stone
> 
> Innocence - Nathan Wagner


	11. Log 30.0 Lost Days

_Endless_

_Endless_

_All of it was endless_

You feel the air in your lungs be filled again, a strange coldness making you slip as you try to grab onto something in the fog-the world blurry and small in the palm of my hands. These legs shiver from the strange cold but still aid me effortlessly no matter how much I wanted to fall again. The world whispered at first but now I see clearly, the trees arching above me and giving me a dark piece of the sky. Something beautiful no doubt

“Gah!” I exhale and hold myself together as I walk forward, the dark woods protecting me from the unknown that lurks all around; it was invigorating even at the expense of my wounded self-something to remember later on. I bite my lower lip as I seek support from the massive barks and entrust them with my life-no matter how little was left. It was better this way- **it was better this way.**

“Just till the edge…just a little longer” I pat myself on my chest and wince at the strange pain, regretting my action almost immediately. I’m in pieces, a rupture within my ribs, something unexplainable that keeps me walking further on. Something inside me doesn’t want to die even now-after everything?

I slip and feel the cold ground pull me in as I fall, the cowering trees subside and bring me to a path that breaks away from everything, no more land and no more stones, no more unknown humming from the night sky and its inhabitants ready to swallow me whole. My eyes waver at first but see a fence as I place my hands on it to pull myself up, the cold metal sticking to my skin completely. There’s a road that cuts through this forest, pristine and clean from the leaves that shake profusely, a spotlight bleeds onto my head and warms the muscles that ache-just like…

I turn to my right and watch the dark sky now change color, a myriad of shades that calmed me the longer I stared-this wasn’t the sky he remembered all those years ago and it brought him joy to know that it worked- **things were different now**

_Then why am I not happy?_

_  
_Does it matter? I don’t think it should. They were safe, that’s all you intended to do-permanence, right?

_Permanence?_

You laugh at the idea you concocted all those months ago-months that no longer exist now. Is this what existence is? Something as undesirable as this? Where can you even start from here, Castiel?

You see the sun break out from the unbroken ground- the radiating glow reaches you slowly and everything feels new again-you feel…cleansed, again. The sunlight tickles my quivering lips and brings a smile to my face, the wrinkles on my brow and around my eyes digging so deep into my skin it almost hurt-all of this hurt so much-why? **It was for you in the end, wasn’t it? This existence was actually for you, wasn’t it?**

My trench coat couldn’t keep me warm as the sun drains away the cold night from before. My tie is twisted and loose around my neck as the world wakes up around me-a feeling so unknown to me for the past few years…the world feels so different all of a sudden-kilned anew from the depths you chose to drown it in. Somewhere he can feel at ease again.

“But…what about…” I breathe and stop midway, how stupid was I? To think that my life mattered even after everything? “I’ve…I’ve served my purpose. I suppose now…” I think out loud again and look both ways of the road, confused as to which path led to my new beginning. My eyes wander for a while as the sun kept rising, sending flickers of heat and life into my tainted vessel-all of it seemed endless-absolutely **terrifying**.

_Where do I begin?_

After looking for a while you choose to go to the right-as if walking into the sun. My legs feel better going that way too, isn’t that strange? All of this is strange, just the ability to feel everything all over again even when you wanted it not to-it was comforting to say the least, to remember.

My hands fumble in my pockets and I manage to procure a wallet, an FBI badge, the small poetry book from long ago and my cellphone-I choose to discard some of the items and throw them to the side. I feel sick as I throw them away and deliberate whether I should turn back… **this was a bad idea this was a bad idea this was a bad idea**. But I’m still walking, walking into the sun and letting my broken wings feel healed again.

I hear the sound of his boots beside me, him calling out to me and Sam as his arms point forward, his green eyes blazing in the faded darkness. The sun never really left the specks of his eyes did it? Even with all of his tainted and broken glory he was still him, still Dean Winchester. The only form of permanence I wanted but we all know it wasn’t meant to be- **we** couldn’t be. I emanate a stifled cry and fall to my knees on the open road-I felt the hurt all over again, it peels my skin and dries the veins that can’t bleed anymore. An angel who’s lost their way again-it’s all quite poetic isn’t it? Like Icarus falling to the sea…his wings all charred and useless- **useless just like me**.

I try to break away from my thoughts but they keep me tethered to this earth, this slightly less fucked up earth that was going to move on without me. They’re going to move on while you’ll still linger on this road-this road to nowhere-this permanence you craved for so long.

I hear a humming of a vehicle and I look up in vain, an old man with a long beard peers towards me and calls out from his pick-up truck, his accent thick in the wind “You okay man?”

You feel yourself drift away as he spoke, completely taken aback at how long you were sitting here and waiting for a car to crash into you again. But you let the sincerity in his voice surround you and you reply gently.

“Not…very much. No”

“Oh…”

I pick myself up and place myself on the fence lazily, allowing the old man and his truck to pass by with a forced smile.

“So uh…you need a lift? I’d be willing to give you one cuz I’m headin’ into town”

You ponder at his words; the strange kindness lingering in his sentence did soothe you a bit-but what answer should I give? What should I say?

_You’re my most cherished gift, my bludgeoned regret, my broken soldier and every shattered constellation that brightened these fragmented days…mine and mine alone, Dean. And nothing has made me happier_

You smile at the memory, remembering the eyes and lips that pulled you in before everything slipped away. It wasn’t out of happiness but from something else entirely-the familiar ache rising again.

_A Chance_

_You gave me a chance_

“You know what? Yes. I’ll take you up on that offer” I slip away from the fence and sit in the carrier full of hay bales and wooden cargo-I was too distracted to even notice the old man’s retaliation at my behavior “Uh, you were supposed to sit in the front with me but…whatever suits you I suppose”

I laugh at my lunacy and place my head in the sheets of endless hay, so crisp and warm it felt on my skin, the truck starts up again and they start to move-the forests a distant memory as they fade away in the distance and the sun hovering above them in the beautiful sky. He’ll remember-he’ll always remember the chance he gave him-those endless eyes that defied everything he once believed in.

His forgotten phone buzzes in the dirt with a familiar name flashing on the screen, the vibration subsides as the world starts anew. Sunlight lingers upon the dusty screen as the call kept reappearing.

Until, it doesn’t

It blinks for a while and soon fades to black-just like everything else. 

* * *

**Some Day, March**

He’s fiddling with something inside his duffel bag, his eyes a bit heavy from the uncomfortable night from before. He stands underneath a covered bridge with rain pouring at every end in a town completely cut off from the world-an ideal place for him to be really. Wet grass, old withered benches and metal cans surround this part of town, all cleansed from the rain and erased with every drop drumming away the uncertainty that lingered. He finally finds a pair of gloves and starts to slide them on and looks towards the opening, considering whether it would be wise for him to walk in this downpour.

“Hey!”

A voice calls out to him from his left; it took them a few calls to actually get his attention, to which a confused Castiel finally responds “I’m sorry?”

“Are you high or something? I was calling out to you for a while now. My friends were starting to think I was imagining you” she laughs underneath her grey beanie with a wave of her hand.

“No. I’m very much on the ground…” Castiel squints as he rubs his hands together for warmth, his cold puffs in synch with her cigarette smokes

“Uh huh. Have you been out long? On the road?”

“For a little while, yes. Maybe 2 months”

“Hmm, still a newbie” she takes a whiff of her cigarette and breathes easily. She stood with 2 other people, all scruffy with unkempt hair and skin, they all smelled of the rain and the soil mixed underneath their boots “We’ve been on the road for a while now; Joe here has been on it for over 4 years now. Just crashing and cruising wherever it was possible. One kind of eases into it huh?”

“I’m not really sure about that. Like you said, newbie”

“Huh! I suppose. What’s your name?”

“…Jimmy”

“Well nice to meet you Jimmy. Call me Cam” she nods gently and occupies herself with her cigarette and her companions once more.

They stand in silence for a while, their eyes wander over him from time to time but Cas doesn’t meet their gaze, he keeps his eyes glued to the puddles and mud sticking to his shoes-sometimes even beyond the streetlights and the coffee shops around the corner. Everything felt so still at the moment-as if the world before this was washed away with the rain.

Castiel reacts to a strange shuffling near the end of the bridge. Curious, he pops his head outside to see where the sound was coming from and becomes enamored by two little green eyes staring back haplessly.

It was a kitten, all soaked and shriveled up in a soggy box.

The orange specks on its white fur was completely soaked but even then it refused to move-their little body quivered from the cold as they sat pouting with their folded paws-it was hard to look away “Hello. I’m…Castiel” He whispers in its direction “Wouldn’t it be better if you sat underneath this bridge instead? You’re not doing yourself any favors by sitting outside in the rain”

The cat watches him with caution but ignores him. Castiel chuckles at its stubbornness and decides to get in closer. He extends his finger and draws it near the little thing, their wide eyes staring at him and at the strange interaction but still remains in the same spot. He drew in closer until he started tickling behind their ear and under its chin. The kitten was frozen and confused at first but slowly eased into the touch; liking it a bit too much as it began to mewl and nuzzle his palm.

_Reminds me of someone_

“Come here. You don’t have to be afraid” Castiel lifts the kitten up and feels its purring shivering body in his hands. He walks under the cover once more and buttons up his trench coat slowly, making sure its head popped out from the collar easily. He was so comfortable in his arms! The very sight of it was doing strange things to him, even if he looked like a skinny, wet little rodent “You’re okay now” He smiles at the little thing nuzzling and relishing his body heat, looking up at him as he purrs and kneads the inside of his coat roughly “You remind me of him a little too much” he nudges its forehead and he blinks back with adoration “Don’t worry, I’ll watch over you” he coos as he hugs him tightly.

“Who’s your little friend?” Cam speaks in the foggy atmosphere and comes closer with Joe, his eyes wide at the sight “You’re really cute aren’t ya?” he flicks his finger towards his little ears but the kitten only digs deeper into Castiel’s coat, hiding in his little burrow “Woah! Okay-okay I won’t bother you” he laughs and steps away-Cam pats his shoulder slowly out of pity but has a smile plastered on her face “You never had a way with animals man, stop trying”

“Never!” he laughs as he wraps his arm around her and tickles her slightly-Cas smiles awkwardly watching them and then averts his gaze towards his little friend who’s kneading his scruffy chin.

“So you got any place to stay?” Cam speaks as she recovers from her bout of laughter

“What?”

“Do. You. Have. A. Place. To. Stay?”

_I do. It’s a secret bunker made by a secret supernatural monster hunting organization and I have an affiliation with the two people who own it. Does that count as a place to stay?_

“No. No I don’t”

“Seriously, how have you managed to get this far?” She chuckles as she throws her cigarette away and stomps it on the ground “Tell ya what, there’s this community center not far from here-me and the gang have been staying there for a while now and I bet there’s room for one more-well, technically two” she winks at the little head poking out from his trench coat “Seems to me you haven’t really been stopping to rest, looking weak and all-no offense”

“I don’t really...”

“Yeah okay, but that little one needs something. He’s just skin and bones!” she coos towards the drowsy fuzz and pulls on Joe’s sleeve “You don’t have to stay for long but it won’t hurt to have some warm clothes and food. We’re heading there right now so, what say?” she beams in the rosy lighting, her brown eyes careening all over his hesitant face.

“I…suppose that would be alright” Castiel shuffles to his feet and grabs his bag with his free hand, the other still grasping on his little companion who looks a bit annoyed at the disturbance “I’d be happy to follow”. Cam looks towards Joe and nods happily “Alright! Hey Dylan! Let’s get going! We’re bringing in guests too!” she yells towards her third friend who seemed dazed until this moment. She gestures towards them and Castiel follows at a slow pace, making sure the rain didn’t fall on his kitten’s head.

“You thought of a name for the little thing? Since you’re clearly bound for life now” she calls out in the wind and the honking cars speeding besides them.

“What?”

“A NAME! FOR THE CAT?!”

“Oh…I think I have. Yes”

“What is it?”

He swallows hard at the thought but he couldn’t see any other name befitting of him and his round green eyes with hints of gold.

“…Dean. I named him Dean”

“Err…odd choice but who am I to judge?” she giggles as she looks at Joe’s raised eyebrows and awkward smile, punching him lightly as they kept moving in the rain. Castiel grins as he holds his kitten gently and picks up the pace as well-feeling a little light headed as the cold enraptures him whole.

* * *

**Some Day, April**

> _So step inside  
>  'Cause that night is cold, it don't deserve such a smile  
> And it's not enough  
> For it to show up every once in a while _

“Damn it turn that stuff off, I’m trying to put these boxes down without losing my temper” a man in his 40’s grunts as he places a crate full of glass bottles on the ground, rubbing his back and moustache as he’s finished

“This is literally the most soothing thing right now-Jimmy can pick the song tomorrow” the head of the community center winks at him as he nudges the old man into the building. Castiel turns at the sound and laughs as he lifts a basket full of blankets towards the man, he watches them be placed in the back of a truck drowsily humming away in the night, the fumes just lingering all around “Thanks man. I think we’re done for today-why don’t you head on inside and take a well-deserved rest?” he beams as he pants and dusts his hands off, the radio lazily drumming against his chest. Castiel wears a sullen but content expression on his face, he is his well-toned self again with a clean shaven face and back combed brown hair with a few specks of grey strands. His eyes radiate the same blue in the midnight air, his trench coat a good fit on his shoulders as it sways in the wind gently.

But the same hollowness still lurks from within.

> _In the moonlight_ _I should kiss you at Samhain_
> 
> _Throw it all down_
> 
> _Wouldn't that be co_ _ol?_ _To kill the guard, open the gates, for feelings unbound_

“Don’t you ever take that trench coat off? I’ve honestly never seen you without it and it’s been a month since you came here!” he laughs and adjusts the red mp3 player on his chest, Castiel glances at it from time to time as he responds “I’m afraid it’s a part of me now- I feel strange without it” he laughs as he scratches his nose “And besides-I’m not the only one who has an issue parting with it” Castiel turns and adjusts himself to show one side of his coat with a round bulge moving about in one of the lower pockets.

“Is that?-” he laughs and pokes the squirming creature and catches a round furry head with two green marbles staring back-they laugh simultaneously at the cuteness and let the creature go back to sleep again “Dean doesn’t seem to leave your side! He needs to know he’ll be too big to fit in your pockets one day!”

“Heh-Don’t tell him that-he is very intuitive than most humans. It’s quite amazing” Castiel hums as he reaches into his pocket and scratches Dean’s little head and he nuzzles and licks his fingertips as a response before meowing and going back to sleep.

“Hah! Never thought a cat would grow on me but it did!”

The two of them stand at close proximity in the small garden with Castiel basking in the moonlight as he stares at the faint glimmer in the sky.

> _But I’ve been keeping hope  
>  And I’ve got a fairy tale in my heart, I can cope  
> But I’ve been keeping hope  
> I bet they had you in mind when naming the rose _

“So do you really intend on leaving? You’ve been a great help to me and the others around here”

He bobs his head a little as he says this “I never planned on staying this long either, so I can never really say I’ve thought it all out” Castiel grins awkwardly as he stares at his shoes and rubs the soles into the ground hazily.

“I wish we could give you something as payment at least-you didn’t have to refuse everything”

“I was given a bed and a roof over my head-I think that was payment enough”

“Tell ya what- I noticed you looking at this-eh-” he takes off the mp3 player and the unused headphones around his neck and places it in Castiel’s pulled in hand

“Hank-I can’t. It’s alright”

“Shut up and take the dang thing” he smiles and shoves it into Castiel’s shaky hands “You’ve done so much around here…this is the least I can do. I’m due for an upgrade anyways. It just needs batteries and good frequency so nothing too complex”

“I…” his voice has the same hesitancy again “…Thank you”

“No need. This will give you and Dean company when you’re on the road again. Safe and sound hopefully” Hank beams as he coughs slightly and starts walking away towards the truck’s door “I’ll be off with the shipment now-I’ll call Madeline in a few hours for an update. Take it easy okay Jim?”

“Yes…I will”

Hank waves as he starts driving towards the open gate, the guards waving back at him as they close it again. Castiel looks at the small box in his hand still strumming away the tune, fiddling with it in a questionable way-he wasn’t really sure how this worked “I guess we’ll have to figure it out ourselves, huh Dean? Maybe get one of those…tapes?” he muses as he looks at the fur ball look up with his drunken eyes and sighs.

> _Only know 'bout how I won't be here later  
>  And don't forget, 'bout how she had you feeling major  
> And he tried to write down how he felt 'bout the girl  
> Kept running out of paper, he'll wait for her_
> 
> _  
> He was feeling fucking awesome  
>  Be a good man like you taught him  
> Don't get caught up in caution when love exists_

The garden’s scent made him feel a little fuzzy in his head-an indescribable calm in the air that invaded him as his thoughts came spiraling back-as everything came spiraling back.

_It hurts all over_

Castiel treads towards the stone bench and places himself abruptly-his hands gripping onto its curvature as his head hangs low with a furrowed brow. Dean struggles inside his pocket and pulls himself out. He stretches and places his paws on Castiel’s hand, gently nuzzling against it as he places himself on his lap-his orange bushy tail wagging under him “You always know when something’s bothering me don’t you?” Castiel smiles and looks at his twitchy whiskers and his crystalline eyes. He doesn’t restrain himself and embraces his fuzzy friend tightly-so warm he feels in his arms! He already feels his thoughts fade.

“How precious”

Castiel’s eyes dart towards the sound, his eyes wide as his grip around the cat strengthens

“Crowley”

He smirks and scratches his neatly trimmed beard, his black suit and coat glistening in the moon’s glow “So you do remember me! I see you’ve made new friends” he eyes his cat, who’s staring back at him and hissing “Ooh, feisty” he flicks his finger around his head.

“Why are you here? How did you find me?”

“Oh I have my ways”

“I want to know” Castiel’s eyes look around as he holds Dean tightly, ignoring the grunts from the demon who’s sitting beside him.

“The little Winchester wanted to track you down. Since you went off grid he wanted to trace you another way. You put that head of yours to good use-I’ll give you that Cassie” he laughs and makes faces at Dean whose claws are digging into Castiel’s leg “No digital footprints, no cosmic leftovers no nothing-just plain old fashioned stalking”

“I didn’t even feel any demon presence around me, I saw no one so how-?” Castiel meets his eyes, the playfulness within them giving him the answer “You paid someone off” he wants to smack himself in the face “Who…?”

“Tsk, tsk-such a talker” he laughs as he slaps his knee slowly “I guess I can give them the good news-I’ll give Sam a call and we can be on our way-you can still fly, right?”

“I can but…”

“But…what?” Crowley raises an eyebrow as his thumb hovers over his phone screen “Don’t tell me you don’t want to go home to those idiots”

“I…” He avoids eye contact as he dug his fingernails into Dean’s plump and fleshy body

“Tsk. After all the time I invested in finding you…” he groans from the irritation collecting in his throat “Can’t you deal with your angst at a later time? With them in particular?”

“It’s not about that. None of it is”

“What am I supposed to tell Sam then? That you don’t want to come back?”

“You can tell them something else. Something…more permanent”

Crowley stares wide eyed as he gets up and faces him directly “You can’t be serious. Those two are practically begging you to come back”

“No. They aren’t”

“Did you miss the part where I said Sam called me? Did you?” he waves his hand about as he clutches onto his phone roughly “I can’t convince them that you’re dead they’ll come after my ass if I try”

“No they won’t, they’ll be willing to believe it-not like it’s the first time I’ve died”

“That’s exactly why they’ll sense it instantly”

“Crowley for once I want this to stick. I don’t think I have the energy to get involved in their lives any further-can’t you just…” Castiel grits his teeth as he struggles speaking through months of concealment.

“You know you’re not fooling anyone. You were involved way before any of them even wanted you to be. Dean knows it, Sam knows it-hell everyone in their social circle knows it so what’s stopping you from setting things right?”

There is a silence. Dean meows in Castiel’s arms and nuzzles his chin, his purring breaking the animosity from the situation.

“I…I can’t go back there. It’ll only make things difficult-Dean knows that and I’ve told him multiple times. That’s why…that’s why my death would be easier to swallow. Can’t you understand that Crowley?”

His bulbous pupils glimmer in the dim lighting as he sighs, his lips curved in an impassive way as he speaks again “I don’t really care about what goes on around in your heads but…clearly they’re the kind of people who would fight for someone as petty, flawed and insecure as you-it’s kind of a shame how you’re going to make them feel after they get to know that you’ve been avoiding them for months now, shacking up with the locals and with your very own fuzzy pet”

“Are you trying to make me feel guilty?”

“…Is it working?”

Castiel scoffs at his aggravating antics but also laughs at the sheer absurdity of it, Crowley smiles back and places himself on the bench beside him again, this time a little more relaxed

“How is he?”

“Who?” Crowley teases him lazily

“Dean-how is he? How’s Sam?” Castiel lets his cat go but he slips between his legs and settles down on the ground.

“Fine…I suppose-in their own messed up way. Last time I spoke to Sam was when Dean was away for a while-two days or so. Moose didn’t specify as to why but I could sense something was off, by the time I had contacted him Dean had come back, the relief was practically oozing out from him- kind of made me feel a little touchy too. Heh, idiots” Crowley places his arms on the backrest and watches the sky as he breathes heavily “Dean wasn’t okay when I saw him months back when this normalcy felt new, reeking of booze and unkempt self-care or the absence of it basically. You can make me stop if you want”

Castiel feels something inside his chest constrict, he doesn’t know how to ease it so he just runs his hand across it slowly-it did nothing. Crowley notices the gesture from the corner of his eye but looks away, clearly waiting for Castiel to speak a little more.

_I thought I could make the hate and pain inside you a little less_

_You think **this** is worth saving?_

“I don’t know if I can…if I can face them”

“Why? You’re ashamed?”

“More like….afraid-afraid of what might happen if I do”

“You mean…you think they hate you?”

“Dean hates me, no doubt”

“Aah, he hates everyone he loves”

“Hey” Castiel laughs and starts twirling his fingers above Dean, his claws ready to scratch his skin at any given moment “He’s just…afraid. Like me”

“Mmhmm, I can see that”

They sit together in silence watching the cat play and nibble on Castiel’s finger gently, his pupils massive from all of the adrenaline “I’d love to chat but I really need to go” he gets up and starts dusting his hands and shoves them into his black coat’s pockets. He turns to face him again, his eyes a little more mellow than before.

> _So step inside  
>  Cause that night is cold, it don't deserve such a smile  
> We'll be alright  
> I could never lie about caring a lot_

“So what’s it going to be?”

Castiel stands as well and tilts his head slightly, his eyes urging him to stop something he isn’t ready for-not now, maybe ever.

Crowley sighs and shakes his head from disappointment “This isn’t my bloody job, just going back and forth between you lot” he rolls his eyes at a guilty Castiel. But he breathes slowly and responds with a gentle tone “Tell you what. I won’t rat on you-hell I won’t even mention finding you in general. I’ll stall as long as I can, maybe they’ll forget about you soon enough…”

Castiel’s eyes reflect an unknown sadness, something Crowley picked up on instantly “Okay-okay I take that last comment back. Who are we kidding? They never get over anything; we wouldn’t love them if they did! But I’ll say this…don’t make the same mistake again. Things can be different if you play your cards right and honestly this might be the best thing for both of you-who knows how much of that grace can protect you out here. With them at least you have someone who you can fall back on-god I sound just like them now” Crowley winces internally at his comment, it brought a smile to Castiel’s face “Just…consider it before they lock me up and torture me for information again-just like the good old days” Crowley takes a few steps away and watches the wind blow through Castiel’s hair and coat, his face a little less strained from before “Oh and no promises on me telling them how you named your cat Dean. That’s just too precious for me not to squeal about” Crowley winks and waves with his fingers

“Cr- WAIT!” Castiel extends his hand but he’s already gone, the pinkness in his cheeks burying deep into him as he tries to keep his composure “Ass! He better not-why did I even ramble on like that?” he grabs onto the ends of his hair and pulls on them slightly but a familiar tickling around his ankles brings him back, he’s greeted by those two green marbles again, his meows smooth in his ears as he picks him up “I know you like it here but…I think it’s time to leave. Are you up for a road trip?” Castiel whispers as he stares into his eyes.

He responds with a little mewl

“Haha, I’ll take that as a yes. You’re going to be okay-we’ll be okay. Somehow” Castiel rubs his nose with his own and holds him casually. He tilts his head and stares at the sky again, the constriction slowly fading away as he closes his eyes and reminds himself to breathe.

_Every shattered constellation that brightened these fragmented days…mine and mine alone_

“Aargh! Get out of my head for once! Just let me…” he feels a tear trickle down his cheek, he holds his cat closer and breathes in the grassy scent lingering on his fur, feeling the night air trim away the tethers that pull you to the earth all over again, tethers that he kept pulling-nothing made sense anymore.

_Is this what I wanted?_

_Is this my idea of permanence?_

_I no longer know_

* * *

**One Thursday, June**

> _Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head  
>  And as I climb into an empty bed, oh well, enough said  
> I know it's over-still I cling, I don't know where else I can go  
> Over, over  
> Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head_

The sun shines a miserable light upon his sweaty brow, his hair dusty and frazzled from the strange static lurking in the air. His duffel bag is cozy upon his waist as its wrapped tightly around his chest with his little feline snoozing within it, ruffling all of the neatness away. Castiel rubs his hand over his forehead as he continues moving forward on the empty highway, a gas n sip flaring in the afternoon sun. He takes a sigh of relief as he confirms that he wasn’t imagining it-the thought made him pick up the pace instantly.

“We can finally rest a bit-maybe they have some pie for you to eat?” Castiel addresses to himself “I honestly don’t know why I bother walking everywhere. I know I can travel by my own means but for some reason I just don’t. Is that something to be concerned about? Becoming more human day by day?”

Dean’s ears twitch but he remains asleep in his cradling bag

> _You see the sea wants to take me, the knife wants to slit me  
>  Do you think you can help me?  
> Sad veiled bride please be happy  
> Handsome groom-give her room  
> Loud loutish lover treat her kindly…though she needs you  
> More than she loves you_
> 
> _I know it's over, still I cling  
>  I don't know where else I can go  
> Over, over_

“Something feels off on the inside. All the time really…I have made mistakes and I’m…not proud of it. Whether it was fighting for heaven or for the Winchesters-I don’t think I ever found myself in either place. And now I’m here. Alone. With a cat named after a person I can’t let go of. Maybe I have to fix my ways, discover a new purpose beyond saving those two” and on and on he went with his monologue, his tongue getting tired by the sound of his own voice “…and yet I still talk to you, cat. What is wrong with me?” he rubs his hand over his face and treks along the road quietly-he lets the sad song continue on the radio even if it was bumming him out.

> _It's so easy to laugh, it's so easy to hate  
>  It takes strength to be gentle and kind  
> Over, over, it's over, it's over  
> It's so easy to laugh, it's so easy to hate  
> It takes guts to be gentle and kind  
> Over, over_

“Why are humans capable of making everyone else so sad Dean? Feelings are always so…intimidating. We really don’t have the answer to everything…sadly I wish we did” he sighs as he sees the blurry building get closer, Dean’s little head also pops out and wiggles his nose at the scent in the air “Heh. Of course you react to food more positively than with people. It scares me how much you act like him” Castiel laughs as he breathes with ease and adjusts the strap, he fiddles around with the cash in his pocket-it was enough for one or two meals for the both of them, if dealt with correctly he could afford a bus ticket too.

He never really had the urge to eat-maybe there was a little angel left in him after all.

> _Love is natural and real  
>  But not for you my love, not tonight my love  
> Love is natural and real  
> But not for such as you and I, my love_

Castiel nudges Dean’s head and motions him to hide. His fuzzy back wriggles inside the bag deeply and he closes it from above-making sure he had a small opening for him to breathe through. He steps inside and is welcomed by the convenience store smell he’s grown accustomed to, especially the gas n sip scent. It’s clean, brighter than the natural yellow he was used to and it takes him a while to adjust. He hears the familiar cash register sound and the whirring of the refrigerators, an awkward smile on your face as you make eye contact with a guy at the counter.

_Just buy whatever and leave. You’ve done this multiple times_

Castiel takes a basket and starts grazing through the products all around, he scratched his head at the excessiveness of it all but he only settled for the essentials, no matter how drawn he was to all the colors and labels flashing in his eyes. He procures a hand towel, 3 large bottles of water, a packet of beef jerky, two chicken sandwich wraps and the most ideal in the list-Pie. He sees the creamiest one in the dish rack and feels Dean buzz inside his bag-the nasty thing was grinning I bet-he gets the whole thing and Tupperware to place it in for the journey “Hello. Can you tell me where the next bus stop would be around here?”

“There aint any-the only one you can find is north, miles and miles from here” the teenage cashier chews on his gum as he answers, his eyes never looking up from his phone.

“Oh. Is…is it possible for you to tell me how far it would be exactly?”

“Hmm. Maybe 10 miles, it takes a couple of hours by foot so maybe you can reach the late night schedule- if you’re lucky and fast. It goes through a couple of towns so that’s neat”

“Yes…neat”

“Is this all?”

“Yes”

He scans the items and flashes the total amount for Castiel to see, his eyes a little worried at the amount he used up, he still pays but he hoped he has enough change for a bus ticket.

“Thank you for your service”

“Umm. You’re welcome?” they make a strange face as they watch Castiel leave the store in a hurry.

_That wasn’t so bad. My people skills are rusty but…_

“Who am I kidding? I have no idea what I’m doing, it seems I’ve forgotten how to talk to people” he smacks his head as he walks away and unzips his bag “I can only talk to cats now, cats, Sam and Dean” he sighs and hears his meows, begging for the treats he got him, his thoughts dissipate again and he forgot what he was saying “You always know even if you’re just hungry. I guess I won’t delay it any longer” Castiel spots a bench towards the northern side of the road and takes it quickly; he ruffles his hair and scratches the itch under his eye as he pulls the items out from the store’s tote bag. Dean bounces out and sits beside him, awaiting his treat as his eyes wander over the pie “I honestly don’t think pie is the best thing for your diet” he laughs as he places a small piece on the bench, Dean happily munches and licks away the cream and crust instantly “Well, at least you got what you wanted” Castiel sighs as he watches the warm sandwich in his hand and feels no urge to feed himself “What is wrong with me?” he murmurs to himself and pulls his eyes away from it. He watches the sun through squinted eyes as he steadies his breathing again, he feels a cool wind tickle his skin and his slightly soggy clothes-he reminded himself that he was due for a change, maybe before they head out again? That would be preferable I suppose. It seemed like they were in the middle of a desert from where they sat, the oat colored sand circling like waves by the wind-it was mesmerizing and depressing at the same time. Castiel looks at his withering shoes, the edges all torn and in dire need to be fixed-maybe even thrown out.

“I don’t know if I should even use my powers for these things. It would be a waste…especially how uncertain I am about how long it’ll last” Castiel speaks softly, his eyelashes bouncing slowly, the harrowing thoughts slowly making their way back. He shakes his head erratically and starts searching for something inside his trench coat, he pulls the desired item out-the same cover glowing in the sun’s yellow glory. He had grazed through this book several times now, it was still difficult to understand everything that was written but he always felt a calm spread over him as he read it over and over. Bringing some form of cohesiveness in these bland days. He brushes through the pages and ends up on one he’s read much more than the others.

**_When I Have Fears that I May Cease to Be_ **

****

_When I have fears that I may cease to be  
Before my pen has glean’d my teeming brain,   
Before high piled books, in charact’ry,   
Hold like rich garners the full-ripen’d grain;   
When I behold, upon the night’s starr’d face,   
Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,   
And think that I may never live to trace   
Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;   
And when I feel, fair creature of an hour!   
That I shall never look upon thee more,   
Never have relish in the faery power   
Of unreflecting love!—then on the shore   
Of the wide world I stand alone, and think   
Till Love and Fame to nothingness do sink._

He sighs again as his eyes wander over the words; they reflect a mysterious, unshaken yearning within them as his sadness starts eating him from the inside. Something so precious and good, all of it lost because he chose to ruin **everything**. His mind lingers over memories he didn’t have the energy to relive but would always willingly go back to even if it was tiring. He’s tired-he’s just so fucking tired of everything that surrounds him-the fissures in his scrambled mind widening continuously. I **force** myself to stay here- I force it upon myself because everyone was better off without him.

_But what about me?_

“I guess I deserve this. All of this” he tries stifling in a gasp but he couldn’t, his tears followed soon after-an angel weeping upon a wooden bench with his cat exchanging glances between him and his food, mewling out confusion-everything is perfect, isn’t it?

He doesn’t know. He just cries in his hands until he finds the strength to stop.

* * *

> _I woke up cold and out of touch_
> 
> _The photos and the memories will never be enough_
> 
> _But if I could walk those streets today_
> 
> _Would you still feel so far away?_

Castiel shuffles by the sound as he wakes up from an unplanned nap, his neck aching the moment his eyes flickered open with the air around his legs numbingly cold. He hears an old woman chew on her gum a few seats away; she awaited the bus in the dead of the night too, just like him. He rubs his eyes and yawns, his back a bit stiff as he rubs his thighs to bring the circulation in his hands back. The woman looks at him from the corner of her eye and in a suppressed panic holds onto her bag more firmly, Castiel wasn’t sure why she would react that way until he remembered one minor detail

His attire

He was wearing a white t shirt and pajama bottoms, his trench coat being the masterpiece of it all. These were the clothes he got back from the community center-he didn’t think it mattered at first but he clearly looked like he escaped from a mental asylum. His own naivety shocked him sometimes.

> _Do you remember when I died?_
> 
> _Stepped on that airplane and let it take me from your side_
> 
> _On the last day of July_
> 
> _In a cloudy southern sky_

> _Will the rain ever stop?_
> 
> _Will the rain ever stop?_
> 
> _Will the rain every stop reminding me of you?_
> 
> _Orange Avenue?_

His headphones hang lazily over his shoulders as the song kept playing-he disregards it completely. He asks the old woman for the time and she ignores him with her incessant chewing blurring out the calm in the air

_Humans_

Castiel rolls his eyes and starts fidgeting in the sudden cold. He notices Dean not being around and starts calling out to him, clapping and snapping his fingers every now and then as he took his name. The worry in his chest grew until he heard the familiar mewl a little farther from where he was standing. He was meowing from the other side of a metal fence “How did you-? Come back here!” Castiel laces his fingers in the fence as he watches Dean run away towards the restricted fields of grass “Dean! Don’t go there…the bus is going to-” he calls him again, even wags a piece of beef jerky for him to come to but he doesn’t listen, he runs away even faster.

> _There was nothing I could do_
> 
> _But sit and watch the fire and rain of bullets fall on you_
> 
> _If God will send his angels down_
> 
> _And wash the blood from your cold town_

He feels something inside him snap.

“Dean? DEAN?” He starts to shout-he didn’t know why he felt the need to do that but…what was one supposed to do in a situation like this? “DEAN! COME BACK!” He pulls on the fence roughly as his eyes wander to and fro, trying to find an entrance from here. He felt feverish, angry and sore all over-what the hell was happening?

**_WHY WASN’T HE COMING BACK? WHY DID HE LEAVE?_ **

“To hell with this” Castiel gives up and extends his hand, his eyes glowing and color specked wings emerging in the pouring light. The woman sees the commotion and starts screaming as she watches Castiel burn a massive chunk of the fence away, still clinging onto her bag for protection. He begins to breathe normally and slowly blinks away his grace; he turns his head towards her and says in his serious tone.

“I’m sorry. But my cat has run away”

He doesn’t wait for her response as he dashes through with every thought erased from his mind-the overemotional fool that he was. He fumbles with his speed a bit because of the grass and dirt’s texture, it thickened the more he ran towards the cat’s direction “DEAN!” he yells as his head twists and turns, breaking away any of the stiffness that existed before “DEEEEAN!” he yells again as he walked in deeper into a clearing, he was nowhere to be seen and the panic was slowly consuming him.

_Not again. Please not again._

“DEEEEAAAANNNN!” He screams louder, his lungs shriveling up from the sensation as he did, the ground felt flatter underneath him and he starts to run again, his pants fogging up the air around his head. He tries again with his cupped mouth “DEEEAANN?”

Castiel manages to walk into a more open field, the grass tall with a massive metal fence separating it from the forest trees. He’s taken aback by the tranquility of the moment; he manages to draw his eyes away and watches the familiar white fur rolling around playfully in the center of it all.

Castiel breathes a sigh of relief as he jogs towards him and bends over, the same adrenaline junkie eyes staring back at him lovingly “Don’t. You. Dare. Never again!” He sighs angrily at him but feels himself soften the longer he looked at his furry face “The moment I get more money I’ll have to invest in a leash” he whispers as he picks him up and nuzzles him, the grassy scent of his fur easing his thoughts again. But something felt a bit odd to Castiel; he places his cat down on the ground gently and holds his breath.

Someone was nearby. And they were getting closer

_It couldn’t be…right?_

He convinces himself that he was imagining things all over again- he knows his mind is deceiving him but he couldn’t hold back-there was definitely something wrong with him as he turns his head sideways, with every instinct telling him otherwise

He sees him. Complete and real underneath the moonlight, his clothes and hair disheveled perfectly upon his sculpted face and body. Completely out of breath and eyes wide at the sight

> _I'm still drenched from the first time it rained on me_
> 
> _And now a constant downpour of tragedy_
> 
> _Will the rain ever stop?_
> 
> _Will the rain ever stop?_
> 
> _Will the rain every stop reminding me of you?_
> 
> _Orange Avenue?_

The tethers fade away

And he’s able to feel the ground again

Just like it was meant to be

**_Permanent_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The songs I've referenced in this chapter
> 
> Dermot Kennedy - Shelter
> 
> Jeff Buckley - I know it's over
> 
> Ben Reneer - Orange Avenue 
> 
> And yes I wanted Cas to have a cat and yes I wanted him to be named Dean. Suck it.


	12. Log 31.0: Paradise

Everything felt different to the both of them. The ground lost, the wind a gentle whisper as the open air suddenly feels scarce, their eyes frozen like figures within a snow globe-completely immobile until someone shakes the sense back into them.

But it seems they want to continue this routine, something they’ve done for years.

“Dean…” Castiel was the first to break the silence even if he stammers through it “I…”

“You got a cat?”

“….What?”

“That” Dean gestures with his eyes and puts his gun away slowly, his eyes blinked sluggishly as he sniffled-the familiarity of the sound made Castiel’s heart melt.

“Oh…yes. I…I have a…cat now”

“Hmm” Dean nods nonchalantly; his face bears a forced smile as he takes a few steps closer towards him “How long?”

“How long?” Castiel stands up and tries meeting his gaze but Dean’s head keeps shaking from the thoughts stirring in his head-thoughts that Castiel was afraid to address at the moment.

“Yes! How fucking long…” he retains his composure “…how long have you been…here? In this time and space?” he unclenches his fists and meets his eyes at last. Castiel sees his wounded gaze barely holding on, he finds it oddly comforting to know that he still feels-that he was still able to feel after everything they’ve been through together.

Castiel gulps but he doesn’t feel scared anymore-he feels sure, for the first time he feels sure about what he wants to do next-no more running back for now “Since January” he breathes deeply as he takes one step closer with his cat watching them with a strange daze in his eyes.

“Heh-of course” Dean swallows hard and gives off a repressed laugh as he rubs his face, his teeth white in the dark as he takes one step closer too “You couldn’t even…you couldn’t even call? Do I mean that little to you ever since you got the life you wanted? Taking in strays and being a…hobo?”

“Dean…it isn’t like that?”

“Does Sam know? Did he know you were…?”

“No!” Castiel jolts defensively as he clutches onto the ends of his sleeves, the shake within him never subsiding “No one knows. Only…only you”

“Hmm. Well this is…this is…” Dean waves his hand slowly but pauses from the sentences he kept fumbling with in his head “I don’t even know what to say”

“Say everything” Castiel pursues as he gazes into his green pools, completely forgetting the world around them for a moment “Anything, Dean. Even if it’s spiteful or complete crap. Just…say it” he smiles as he unconsciously takes another step closer and gazes at him with profound adoration-he could never hide these things well when it came to Dean.

“Does it matter? Clearly saying what I feel wouldn’t change anything, right?”

“You never know. Humans are known to be social animals and they can’t survive in isolation-they always want to be understood” Castiel breathes calmly and sits down on the ground only a few feet away from Dean. He crosses his legs and pats the grassy spot in front of him and gestures him to sit “And you’re a very social man-so why don’t we just sit and talk through it all?”

“Are you kidding me? What the hell is this-Dr. Phil?” he crosses his arms defensively but his eyes reflected a different emotion altogether “Why are you acting like nothing bothers you? Why…why do you seem so…unaffected?” Dean stutters as he steps back, maybe even considers leaving him here but something makes him stay, something unknown.

“It isn’t…” Castiel clenches his fists upon his knees as he bites his lips slowly “…it isn’t like that. I’m not unaffected or pretending I’m just… I just want to talk to you, that’s all” his words come out as a whisper. The gentility in his voice was loud in Dean’s ears and still as warm and fragile as he remembered- he felt it crumble inside of him all over again, his faint breathing so human and numbing that he found it hard to believe that he was anything **but** that.

**But he was Cas**

“O…Okay” Dean rubs his hands together and settles down onto the grass slowly, his legs almost tangled up in his own but only their knees touch-something as simple as that was enough to calm the air around them. They look up at each other simultaneously and just stare for a while, Dean with his pout and deep glares while Castiel watches back, his eyes an open book with distorted shapes and colors but still something he could understand-if only he allowed it.

“Was…was it something I did?

“What?” Castiel felt that he misheard him but he was wrong

“Was it because of me? Is that why you didn’t want to come back after everything? Because if it was I understand why you would want to leave, free will and all that crap- but did you really not want to come back because of me?-”

“Dean that isn’t what-”

“Because I mean I know okay? People leave and I understand because this life isn’t meant for anyone-even for an angel. But it was **more** than that, you know? You weren’t just some random guy who had come into our lives and just left whenever-you were- **are** more than that because…I mean, man we’ve been reckless together and we’ve been through shit no one else had to go through because that is what families do, right? Or did I miss the memo?”

“You’re taking it out of proportion…Just let me explain…”

“I know Sam and I are flawed and really fucked up but we’re trying not to, okay? I barely even had a childhood because I was too busy getting worried about everyone else and whether my absent father was actually gonna come back or not-but I didn’t complain because I knew it was all worth fighting for and what I had was worth fighting for. I…” Dean breathes in a tireless way, he shuts his eyes as a faint tear drop falls on his jeans “…I know things were never easy but we didn’t…we didn’t just **give up** on each other-we would get lost along the way but we always made it back to each other in one piece, sometimes even with nothing” he rubs his eyes and red face as he continues “…so what made you think **you** could give up when I was fighting the urge to do the very same? You think I never wanted to run away and abandon everyone that was a pain in my ass? I wanted to, Cas…but I always thought that was selfish of me and that I should be ashamed of myself for even thinking that….”

Castiel doesn’t intervene as he fights the tears in his own eyes-how could I think that he hated me? He never hated me; he never wanted to hate me even if he had every reason to-the thought made Castiel stir in a strange drunken frenzy-the guilt overtaking his thoughts instantly.

“…but I still…I’m still standing here, **fighting** the urge to not give up even if I don’t want to-because the people around me refuse to give up on a lost cause like me” Dean scratches his chin and rubs the remnants off his face. His one leg stretches out while one is upright and bent from the knee, his arms rock him a bit as he diverts his gaze upwards and then looks back at Castiel, the impact his beauty had on him was something unknown until this point “But you…heh…you just thought better and bailed on me when you got the chance. Not giving a damn about how it would affect Sam…how it would affect… **me**. All this time I thought…I thought I failed you and I was too late to save you and that I…I had lost my **best friend** -maybe the only person who knew me, the **real** me but what good did me caring about someone other than my brother do? It got him killed-that’s what. It got us all killed” Dean starts to swell on the inside and he starts to get up “This was a bad idea, you know that? I should be leaving right now since all of this is completely pointless”

“Dean!” Castiel groans as he grabs onto Dean’s hand and pulls him in relentlessly, Dean wears a puzzled expression as he loses his balance and feels his face be cradled by Castiel’s hands. His blue eyes are daunting in the moonlight but it eases the strange humming inside Dean, like it always did for all the years they’ve known each other, for all the years they waited to get back to each other. Castiel closes his eyes as he pulls him in and starts kissing him gently, their breathing unsteady and confused by the sensation. Castiel fumbles with his lips awkwardly but the sincerity of it made Dean draw him in closer just begging for more. He bites his lower lip and runs his fingers through his dark hair, every touch sent a different sensation down his spine and just the feel of his warm skin was stirring him. He angles Castiel and deepens the kiss, his desperation seemed pathetic as his tears fell upon Cas’ cheeks but he couldn’t help himself-he just wanted all of this and he wasn’t sure he was ready to let go just yet. Castiel beams by his clingy demeanor, he gives in and lets his taste linger upon his lips the more he kissed him hungrily-he feels everything and it was making him dizzy. Castiel feels himself fall to the ground slowly but Dean’s hand hold him as he did, the grass gently caresses him even without breaking the kiss-so profound this feels under the moonlight with the two of them confused by the emotion surging through their veins. Dean hovers above him as he kisses his chin as he envelopes him in his intoxicating passion, Castiel finds it hard to breathe but in the best way, he only feels his tired moans sink into him and his tongue-Dean was trying to tell him something and Castiel could hear everything clearly. They feel tangled all over again and this time it was hard to escape from it all-they feared this for so long so why does it make them feel so whole?

Castiel feels strained as he pulls away and breathes, his head twisted to the side avoiding Dean’s eyes completely. Dean breathes at the same rate and watches him in a defeated way “Did I…did I ruin everything?” Castiel gasps as he turns his neck and meets his gaze again.

“The moment? Yeah, you did” Dean chuckles, the brightness in his eyes flickering back. He runs his hand over Castiel’s red cheek and places himself on top of him, his weight didn’t bother Cas in the slightest and the closeness didn’t even faze him-this felt so natural to the both of them and the thought alone made Castiel go crazy, the images flashing in his tattered mind.

“I…I didn’t mean to do that…I don’t know…” Castiel stammers helplessly and Dean only brings him in closer, his forehead touching his as he continues to speak “We can’t…I’ll only bring you pain and…”

“So has everyone else and they’re still here”

“Dean…this is too dangerous, these emotions and these…I can’t do that to you. It’s unfair and cruel and ...”

“And you know what’s best for me? It’s unfair and cruel of you to **not** be with me-us not being together has proven to be more dangerous”

Dean turns his head and pulls Cas’ eyes into his own. Castiel was scared-even if he was fighting the urge to tear himself away from him.

“...And what if we don’t make it? What if one day…we turn against each other and forget everything that felt human about us? About you and I?”

“Then we remind each other”

“You know that never works, it never did”

“Really? I always thought it did” Dean hums near Cas’ lips but he makes sure they never meet “Is this it?”

Castiel swallows hard as he runs his hand over Dean’s face; his fingers scrape his scalp and then linger down towards his cheek bone, the heavy bags under his eyes and the curves of his lips, all of it was sharp in his eyes-all defined and perfect to the touch. Dean’s eyes plead as he nuzzles Castiel’s hand weakly- he was patient with him even if they were losing themselves in their accustomed practices. But Castiel still holds himself back.

“Why are you so scared?” Dean asks in a hushed tone “I thought that we both…I thought this made sense but…”

“It does. It always did. But it’s not that…I…” Castiel chokes on his words but he continues to weakly “All of this is confusing, difficult and…frail-how can we keep something like this alive? How can we stay alive long enough to see it through? Does it not terrify you?”

“I’m scared shitless, Cas. You think I’m not afraid of what’ll happen to us?”

“Then why…why should we even consider this possibility?”

“Because…after a long time I actually… **want** something. After the longest time I…I fucking want something that gives me a chance to be happy” He shrugs and laughs as his eyes melt into Castiel’s.

“I just don’t want it to be taken away. That’s all I want…I don’t want you to-” Castiel closes his eyes shut and rubs the back of his head on the cold ground-Dean pulls him into an embrace and buries his nose into his shoulder. He felt heavy on him but Castiel still pulled him in, hoping he’d get a good look at what felt wrong on the inside-the fallible vessel that became inhabitable the more he breathed.

“Hey-hey- I’m here, we’re both here-okay? And I know you’re scared and I…I wish I could say something that could make it better but Cas? Cas? I…I’m scared too” He pulls away but still lays on top of him as he works through his thoughts “We can never know, okay? We can never know what waits for us ahead-okay? But **this**...this is something we’ve been wanting for…too damn long! I know I’ve…I know I’ve hurt us both in more ways than I’d like to admit but Cas…this is real-okay? This…” Dean joins his forehead with Cas’ as he gasps and shuts his eyes-a frail tear drop falling slowly as he speaks again “Gah- I’m making no goddamn sense here…all I’m saying is… **if there’s anything worth fighting for,** **this is it** ”

Castiel watches him in disdain, he feels his words seer through his mind-all of this was ascertained-time and time again he always knew Dean was the answer to any uncertainty- it was always for him, wasn’t it?

But what was his answer now?

“I’m afraid…I’m…” Castiel holds his stare and watches Dean shake his head, their foreheads still rubbing against their old skin “Are you sure you want this?”

“Oh-I do. I’ve wanted this for so long but…I never had the fucking guts to admit it” he has a faint smile as his thumb caresses Castiel’s pale face “Please…I’m tired of running away from the few miracles that exist in my life- **you’re it** **Cas**. No one else…and I know you feel the same way too- whatever happens we’ll always find each other in the end. We always do, okay?” he kisses him deeply and Castiel doesn’t pull away, the spinning sensation creates a vortex inside his body again. Dean forces himself away, his breathing rugged as his eyes glitter underneath the night sky “This isn’t temporary Cas…this is… **permanent** and it’s something that’s going to stick. You have to believe me when I say that…so just…just **stay** , Cas. I’m asking you to stay” he smiles as he stifle a cry trying to escape “So…what’s it gonna be? 

_Ever since knowing you, it seems to feel more human than most_

_All that I am is because I saved you, it’s because I chose to be on your side. Even if my allegiance was convoluted it was always you I stood for, who I always wanted to protect no matter the cost._

_For once let me…let me save you_

“I swear to you I’m going to be better…I want to prove it to you that we’re…” Dean’s voice still lingers in Castiel’s mind but it soon fades, like a single drop of water getting lost inside a vast pool-he’d exist but then he wouldn’t. He hears him and watches his lips move but his voice feels drowned out, he only hears the drops of water fade inside his mind-memories and words slipping through the cracks.

**You’re getting to me- you- you’re- you just have to come back. That’s all I’m asking you to do, that’s all I want you to do**

**Why can’t you understand that you’re not alone anymore. That…I’m not alone anymore-**

**We’re not going to give up**

**Please, I never meant to push anyone away**

He feels his haziness fade and blinks excessively at a panting Dean. He stops talking as he watches him cautiously “Cas?” Dean shuffles on him a bit and grabs his face recklessly “Cas? Hey! Are you listening to me?” he worries as he shakes him a bit, the green in his eyes becoming dull the longer Castiel stayed quiet.

Castiel hums teasingly, he honestly doesn’t know where that comes from but he lets the emotion stay, this time with no remorse. Dean is taken aback by his behavior, he wasn’t sure if any of his words affected his decision in any way. But Cas knew what the outcome would be before they even started speaking to each other.

_He could never stay away for long_

“Remind me”

“…What?” Dean raises his eyebrows as he watches Castiel’s playful eyes, the sorrow fading from them completely.

“Remind. Me.” Castiel laughs and pulls Dean in from his collar. Their lips meet again in an almost comical way with Dean’s wide eyes stabbing into Castiel’s juvenile ones. Dean eases into the kiss and laughs every time they separated- which only lasted seconds. Dean breathes a strange new life within him as they feel tangled in each other’s arms, Dean is gentle with his awkward and tired body and he holds it together. It was the strangest feeling, it was overwhelming and tainted and imperfect. There were more callouses and bruises in this love, but there was also something more-something that made them feel a little less worthless in the world they chose to exist in simultaneously. Purgatory, Heaven, Hell- all of it-this was the outcome from all of that-a beauty that dies but was brought to life again.

Castiel smiles wide-it looks almost maniacal on his lips but he felt soft all over. Dean’s kisses pull his pieces in together-eternity was within their grasp somehow, something close-something pure and good.

**Us**

Castiel and Dean jolt by the vibration between them, Dean closes his eyes out of annoyance and straightens himself up on his knees, Castiel pushes himself up from his elbows and watches Dean pull his phone out “Tsk- Sammy” Dean shakes his head out of annoyance but he’s glowing “It’s actually pretty late, we can continue this in the bunker” he winks and sticks out his tongue as he starts dusting off the dirt and grass stains from his jeans. Castiel pouts and punches him playfully at the comment, he laughs freely and without guilt-it’s been eons since he did that.

Dean extends his hand out to him and watches Cas fondly, he had never seen this side of him and it was making him feel dizzy all over “Not yet, my Huckleberry” Castiel speaks as he mimics a deep voice, Dean tries to stifle a laugh but fails completely. It was a good thing Castiel turned around before he could see the reaction himself-he felt so stupid doing that-why did he think that would be funny?

“Err, um. I don’t know what came over me. I apologize” Castiel mumbles as he calls the cat and picks him up gently, their fluffy stomach soft in his hand. “Dude! Don’t be like that…I thought that was really…” Dean scratches the back of his head as his eyes flutter -was Dean…shy? Castiel laughs at his gestures and walks towards him slowly and kisses him gently, Dean pulls him in instantly and holds him from his neck and his back-it wasn’t until the cat mewled out of discomfort between them that they managed to stop.

“Are we…are we taking this?” Dean points towards the other Dean with his wide eyes

“Yes. We are”

“Oh…do we have to keep it?”

“Dean!”

“Okay! Okay! We’ll take the goddamn thing. I’ve never been a cat person though so…it’s your responsibility”

“Are you seriously saying that?”

“Hell yes! I don’t know anything about cats, except that they bite and scratch shit”

“Mine doesn’t do any of that. And stop calling him an ‘it’-he has a name!”

“Don’t get feisty, I might just jump you again” Dean laughs and kisses Cas’ cheek in a tender way “We’ll get some stuff for him on the way back-jeez” he laughs and laces his fingers with Cas’ “So-what’s his name?”

Castiel blushes at the question, his eyes intense and wide as he holds onto the cat more tightly- his lips quiver from embarrassment and he kind of wishes he could get out the hole he dug for himself.

‘Umm, your car is that way-right? Let’s not waste any more time. Sam must be worried” Castiel starts to walk in the direction Dean came from and continued onwards with his cat placed on his shoulder, he watches Dean follow up behind with their pupils massive and dark. “Wait! What the hell did I say? Cas?!” Dean shuffles awkwardly as he catches up to him with a sly grin on his confused face. Their voices fade out the farther they walk away from the spot they lay in, Dean’s laugh is loud enough to reach this place even if the wind blew away every trace they left behind.

Traces of their promise of permanence

* * *

“Damn it” Sam cuts the call again as the recorded voice plays again-why wasn’t he answering his phone? Clearly he’s moving “What is up with him? Why is he stopping at a…” Sam eyes squint from the burning sensation as he taps away on his laptop, zooming in on certain surveillance footages buzzing away on his screen. His eyes hurt from the amount of hours he spent looking at anything that remotely affirms Castiel’s existence in these scenes- but there was too much to process. Any strange omen or articles regarding missing people, mild amnesia, reports of attacks, even being as unsubtle as typing in ‘angel sightings’- it all resulted in the same thing-no Cas.

Crowley was no help, Sam scoffs as he scrolls through the internet for something new again- if spells and incantations weren’t able to trace him then this was the only way left-he was slowly losing it as he watches the same roads, cars, restaurant feeds play by. Out of frustration he shuts the screen and lies back in his chair as he waits for the throbbing in his head to die out. His phone buzzes on the table and he darts towards it-it was a voice message from Dean.

 ** _Sorry I couldn’t pick up-I had to stop to get a few more things so don’t go freaky. Will be home soon._**

Sam hears a meow in the message and he pouts out of confusion “Was that a…cat? What the hell are you doing Dean?” Sam laughs a bit and gets a little impatient by the thought. Sam feels flushed but he forces himself to open his laptop again and starts looking through the internet-no matter how many refreshes it took. Luckily he only had to do it once to find something that irked his interest. There was somewhat of an article posted just a few minutes ago, it was more a blog post that focused on local conspiracies and incidents. Not the best source but he’s got nothing to lose. Something about an incident near a bus station-he clicked on it and let his eyes cross over the words quickly.

_Yada-yada-woman rests at bus station…man in a trench coat turns to light…disappears within the flashes of colors…burns through a metal fence…_

“This seems promising” Sam sees the post stamp and re reads it to assess the location. He opens an online map and starts narrowing down the number of bus stations present in that area-there weren’t many so he grinned at the prospect. Sam started tapping away and began accessing the security camera footage from the nearest station but it seemed to be a bust-the firewall was kind of a hassle to get through. He stops and grabs his head in his hands, his sighs deep and unsatisfied. Did he lose his hacking skills all that time he was stuck elsewhere?

Nah

“Guess I have to do it the traditional way” Sam pushes himself out of his seat and shuts the laptop off. Sam wanders to Dean’s room and starts fiddling with the things in his drawers until he found the object of interest. He pulls the runic lighter out of his drawer but is fascinated by a small wooden box tucked away in the corner. He didn’t remember seeing something like that in his room-was this new?

Sam knew he shouldn’t bother with his personal things but…he couldn’t draw his eyes away from it.

_Just a little peek_

Sam pulls it out, it’s a little heavier than he imagined it and grew even more curious over the contents inside. The box is made from smooth golden oak and has an intense looking combination padlock over its handle, Sam scoffs at it in a smug way- _What are you trying to hide?_

He ponders over the numbers in his head- what dates could work? Dean’s birth year? My birth year? Birthdays? Cowboy movie dates? None of those predictions worked. He could simply break it but he feared ruining the whole box-it seems to be well kept and he didn’t want Dean to taunt him for the rest of his life. He paused and guessed again, this time he added in a year that had no connection with them per se, but in a way it still did.

**2 0 0 9**

It clicked open. Sam is frozen all over by the sound and slowly pulls the lid open. He gazes upon the contents and feels a strange tear in his heart-he somewhat feels guilty about opening it now. His fingers graze upon the items all neatly placed inside, some familiar and some unknown even to him-some he fails to remember. He never saw this side of Dean, the side he almost forgets that exists. He swallows and latches the lock again and makes sure all the ruffled papers and notebooks were scattered the same way as he shifts it into the drawer again. It didn’t even look like he sneaked in here-right?

He smiles and walks away closing the lights and door behind him. He shuffles towards his own room and prepares a bag for the thing he intended on doing before he started snooping. He pulls off the jangling car keys and pulls a jacket over his red plaid and faded jeans. He takes one last glance before he steps towards the war room and calls Dean-it goes straight to voice mail.

“Hey listen. I’ll be heading out for a few hours-some of the stuff in the pantry is expired and I need to go get some more-I can see that you’re moving from the tracker so I assume you’ll be back pretty soon. So…call me back when you get this and I’ll keep you updated. Bye” he clicks it off and walks away towards the staircase, his heart a little settled as he leaves the bunker with a faint sliver of hope rising at the back of his mind.

* * *

“Sam?!” Dean shouts as he places 2 bags of toys and cat food on the floor while Cas carries in a few bags himself with his cat purring with ease in the other, a black collar with a bell dangles on his neck perfectly “I guess he’s not back yet” he grunts and dusts off his hands, Dean turns to Cas who’s lost in thought as he looks at every corner of the room “Feels weird, doesn’t it?”

“Yes. Very” he pouts slightly as he places his fuzzy Dean on the floor and lets him explore every nook and cranny.

“Come on…Dean. I’ll give you some food” Dean swallows awkwardly as he addresses the cat with a small grimace-but the cat is too fascinated by everything else to even listen to him. Castiel smiles at their interaction “It’s okay, he’ll start liking you”

“He better- we have the same name. This bunker isn’t big enough for two Dean’s anyways” he jokes as he pulls Cas in by his arm. Castiel escapes his grasp before he could hold him “Well that would make it easier for me to choose”

“Ouch” Dean places his hand over his chest for affect; Cas laughs softly with a big bag of cat food in his arms and calls the cat-the thing darted towards him as he followed him to the kitchen. Smug little bastard ignored his ass!

Dean hums as he makes his way into his own room “I’ll be in my room if you need me! Do you have any spare clothes you can change into?”

He hears Castiel’s voice echo from the tiled room “None that are clean”

“Alright, I’ll put them in the wash for you so pick out whatever from my closet, okay?” Dean carries Castiel’s bag from the table in the war room and directs himself to the laundry room.

There is a strange silence as the machine starts whirring

“Cas? Did you hear me?”

“…Would that be appropriate? You don’t mind?”

“Oh, now you care about personal space?” Dean laughs as he reaches his room “If you want a shower you can use Sam’s bathroom-I’ll be occupying my own” he grins as he disappears into the darkness of his room. Castiel pokes his head out from the kitchen entrance, his face a little red and unsure, but still beaming from the solidified comfort of the bunker, and Dean.

_This is terrifying_

* * *

Castiel lingers into the warm stuffy bedroom with a towel wrapped around his waist loosely- he watches the clothes Dean left for him as his soggy self feels a blush appear on his cheeks again. The smell of peppermint invaded the room and made him feel dazed as he rubs his hands slowly on his clothes. They weren’t his but it still felt like it-is that another strange feeling to have? He smiles at the thought, his mind completely free from the dark clouds he was used to, or maybe it was the warm steam from the shower that gave him some peace.

No, it definitely wasn’t.

He pulls the black t shirt over his head and slips into the cozy grey sweats he left, the shirt had the name of the band Dean loved so much-he felt full at the gesture-the fact that he gave him this shirt in particular makes him quiver. He rubs the logo slowly, his heartbeat thumping away through his chest. Castiel folds his own clothes and trench coat and piles them up as he walks towards the laundry room. He places the finished clothes in the dryer while he puts the dirty ones in the wash and turns the handle with fear, he was still afraid of dials after the mishap back at the community center-he was given kitchen duty for two weeks after that and he’s felt guilty about it ever since. He never knew how humans remembered all of these functions and buttons!

He turned it to just 5 minutes- that was enough, right? He didn’t ponder over it and escapes the room quickly. Castiel makes his way into the war room again and sees his music player on the table; he takes it with him as he wanders towards Dean’s room-it felt odd not having the machine with him and for some reason holding it gave him some solace.

“Dean?” Castiel knocks on his door and takes a peek inside, his head is still slightly wet as he scratches it awkwardly as his eyes wander inside an empty bedroom. He hears Dean’s humming in the shower and the never ending steam flowing out from the door. Castiel smiles at the sound and laughs quietly, he seemed happy-he hadn’t seen him be that way in a long time.

He jumps at the sound of an affectionate meow as he hears the pitter patter of Dean’s paws running inside and jumping on the bed immediately “Dean! Get down! He won’t like it if you-” Castiel whispers and picks him up before he sits on the bed himself “You need to earn his trust, he doesn’t like being disturbed when he’s sleeping…he sleeps like a bear so if you ever intend on bugging him like you bug me then you need to rethink your options” Castiel nuzzles him and scratches his round belly “It feels like everything that was wrong inside of me has washed away-which makes me even more scared about the next time it’ll come back. The thoughts, the fights, everything- I know I shouldn’t be scared and that I should trust Dean enough to know that…but for some reason I still fear what may come”

Dean rubs his forehead under Cas’ chin and mewls gently-the sound soothes him as he lay his head on Dean’s pillow and lies in a fetal position-he fights the urge to sleep-why was he so sleepy?

_Am I even an angel anymore? What if none of this works out? Is there a way they could make this work even if he isn’t useful to them? Will Dean ever forgive him if he made a mistake? Would he ever forgive him if Dean wanted to leave? What if all of this ends badly?_

He shakes his head to get the thoughts out somehow but only strains himself in the process, the cat watches with a worried gaze when he does that and twitches his ears out of confusion “I’ll be okay. I’m okay” he sniffles towards his cat and pets his head slowly, he eases into it and makes him scratch his back, the act made Castiel smile and he scratches him with more fervor. He takes in the scents from Dean’s sheets and his pillow, the same subtle musk lingered on it and it stirred him like a hopeless love sick animal, it was so unnatural for him to do these things and it baffled him how long he had kept himself away from such…small pleasures.

“Who said he was allowed in here?”

Castiel’s eyes bulge out at his voice and he feels embarrassed, as though he had committed a crime “I was going to but I…”

“Hey-it’s okay. It’s technically his now so don’t worry so much, but I’ll keep the door open for the little shit” Dean wanders in with just his pajama bottoms and his bare chest, the cat jumps off of the bed and escapes through the cracked door “Well, I guess he didn’t want to stay this time” Dean snickers as he shuts the door slowly. He rubs a towel on his head and slides into a dull greyish pink t shirt, his toned body glowed underneath the light and it was a shame to have covered it but Castiel didn’t want to repeat his actions from before so…

He got up and started walking away

“What? What does that fur ball have that I don’t?” Dean muses as he runs his hands through his spiked up hair.

“No…I just…”

“Come here” Dean walks slowly and pulls him towards the bed with just a gentle touch from his fingers in Cas’, it was difficult to ignore him especially with his affectionate gaze “You look tired-I know angels don’t sleep but…” Dean glances hesitantly.

“Yes…I don’t sleep...but…I think I’ll go into the guest room” 

“Okay-that’s it” Dean wraps his arm around his waist and lifts him up from the floor while his other arm supported his frozen legs “Dean! What are you?!” Castiel retorts as he buries his face in Dean’s neck, he didn’t even want to open his eyes as he carried him to the bed and placed him slowly. He’s shaking in his arms-he doesn’t want to but his jittery body didn’t feel like it could contain the emotions surging through his veins. It was all too much

Dean tries to slide his hands from underneath Castiel but gets pulled in abruptly; he falls on top of him as the bed creaks excessively “Cas! You’ve got to stop doing that! What are…” he grunts as he remains in his grasp, he could feel Castiel’s excessive heartbeat against his chest with his arms tightly wrapped around him.

“Don’t go” Castiel whispers in a somber tone

“What?”

“Don’t go. Just…don’t go”

Dean’s eyes mellow down at his tone and he embraces him back “Who said I was leaving you?” he kisses his neck and cheek as he lets his lips linger a little longer “I just got you back”

He feels him sob against his shoulder and Dean pulls him away gently to look at him, their heads lay on his pillow but they were comfortable even in the lack of it. Dean rubs away Cas’ tear and continues the motion even when it was gone, he felt that it soothed him somehow “Talk to me. Don’t keep me in the dark”

Castiel gulps as he shuffles on the bed anxiously but Dean keeps him steady with his other hand rubbing his back slowly “I fear…I may be becoming…a nuisance”

“Why do you think that?”

“It’s…it’s my grace. It’s there and I know I still have it but for some reason…it’s somewhat muddled with the rest of me. I don’t really…feel like an angel anymore”

“Do you think that’s a bad thing?”

“No, not at all-but I’m beginning to think how…useful I would be if that were the case”

“Please tell me you don’t think that?”

Castiel stays quiet as he blinks affirmatively

“C’mon Cas, you think I want you here because of how useful you are?”

“No, but I like being needed. I like having some purpose and drive, like you and Sam”

“And you are needed, you’ll always be needed because you’re **good** and you’ve been more than capable of handling any son of a bitch that needed to be dealt with, with and without your grace. Your grace isn’t gone but you need to know that you can’t force yourself to jump right back into the way of things-especially after what you’ve been through…it isn’t horrible not dealing with your cosmic side for a while. You’re still an angel Cas, you’ve just adapted to being something more than that”

“I have?”

“Of course! Haven’t you noticed how strong you’ve become? And how much you’ve begun to feel since we met? You were practically a robot then with a built in program”

“And then I…”

“You rebelled” Dean closes the small gap between them and sighs as his eyes wander over his beautiful face “And I’m nothing but thankful for that, you were kind of a dick”

“You really thought that way about me?”

“Yeah-but I still thought you were hot as hell so it didn’t even bother me that much. That and your usual disobedience-you really knew what got to me”

Castiel buries his face under Dean’s chin as he groans awkwardly- Dean hums and kisses the top of his head and lets his kisses trail downwards until he pulls his eyes into his again, the blue a little less sullen from the tears from before.

“And I need you more for reasons that don’t involve your grace” he winks as he kisses the curves of his lips and then takes him in completely, he’s soft with his tongue and it always made Cas swoon like an idiot. He pulls on the ends of his hair and Cas feels drunk by the connection, the slightly small bed made it more exciting to be close to him this way, just lost in the trance of it all. Castiel moans fondly and lets Dean pull him in even more, if that were even possible. He rubs his hand on Dean’s chest and clutches onto his shirt from the ecstasy, he doesn’t know where else to put them but this felt good too, he just hoped he didn’t seem like an idiot to Dean. He hums back affectionately and starts kissing him more sensually, the heat from their bodies makes the room feel hotter but it doesn’t bother either of them, they’re just lost in the moment.

“Is…is the door closed?” Dean pants as he kisses Castiel from his forehead to his jaw

“…Yes? It’s not locked though”

“Good enough”

Dean starts to trace Castiel’s chest and stomach under his shirt and he jolts a bit by the contact, they laugh in unison and Dean only kisses him more-he sees the want in Castiel’s eyes and it’s making him lose his mind “Stop making me laugh, you’re distracting me” Dean chuckles and starts tracing his kisses on his neck “How do you expect us to get anything done if you’ll keep giggling like an idiot?” he grins as he nips at his skin.

“I just feel happy. That’s all”

Dean stops and pulls back, he breathes deeply as he caresses Cas’ cheek and feels at ease by his fingers running through his hair “Damn, now you’re making me feel guilty about doing things to you” Dean laughs heartily as he joins his forehead with his and chaps his lips, Castiel laughs at his comment and grabs onto his hair and pulls him in for a rough kiss. He cranes his neck and continues to trace his kisses below his neck “Fine, then I’ll let you be guilty” he pulls his t shirt up and starts leaving butterfly kisses on his chest and collarbone.

“Dude…do you know how to…” Dean gulps as he groans from Cas’ lips leaving marks on his body

“Not really-but I have enough knowledge to go by” he bites his skin playfully and Dean feels like he’s going to faint “If I get confused I’ll let you know” he flirts as he takes his lips in his again.

“Jeez-seems like you don’t need any help” Dean kisses him back and lets him continue, his smile is plastered on his tired lips as he watches Castiel get lost in his body-his **best friend** -someone who loved him even if he was never even worth it-someone who’s been there when the whole world felt empty to him-someone who’s always…known. It’s Cas, it was always Cas-things didn’t have to be this difficult for once- **they didn’t have to be**.

“I’m glad you’re back Cas” Dean whispers as he gets enveloped by his lips again, slow and passionate as the lights feel dim in his eyes. Echoes rush through his mind as he feels his heat against his skin, skin so vulnerable at the touch but a touch that tainted his own-a scar he wears willingly because it was a reminder.

**2009**

**A Thursday**

**Paradise had two blue eyes and I stabbed him the moment he arrived**

**Now I hold him in my arms**

_I know. You’re hoping Castiel will return to you_

_The only thing I think we have left, Dean and me, is each other. If Dean says it’s time to go out in a blaze of glory, win or lose. So be it._

_I’d rather have you, cursed or not._

Everything is as it should be

The lights fade out.

* * *

Sam enters with his head low and his jacket a little soggy from the morning rain-he was driving all night towards his destination and back. He managed to make the trip to the police station up north where there may have been a sighting, the fence was burned and everything- it all checked out but the skeptic in him was having a hard time coping with his misgivings. He reached a local gas n sip and the clerk had no idea who it was after seeing his picture.

“Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t. I’m not really sure, his head was bent most of the time and I didn’t really get a good look at him if it’s the same guy” the teenager claimed “He asked about a bus station though and he went there. Is there a reason why you’re looking for the guy?”

Sam’s request for their store’s security footage was the only way he could make him **stop** talking-I guess he didn’t handle himself well around the feds- but seriously **take a hint**. He reviewed the footage and managed to find someone who matched his MO. The sight made him jump but he kept himself composed, Cas was smart enough not to keep his head up in every angle the cameras were placed but even then he knew who it was, he’d recognize his mannerisms anywhere.

But what happened?

**Nothing**

He literally traced his steps. To the bus station. To the melted fence. And then-

Nothing

The thought pissed him off, he was confused-he was so close to finding him and then he vanishes the last second. There was no exit from there unless he did take the bus-which he didn’t according to the woman who was raving about seeing him turn into a nuke.

“What the hell am I doing wrong?” He huffs as he shakes his wet locks and folds his jacket aggressively-he wanted to stay calm but the lack of sleep was getting to him. He knocks over a plastic bag on the floor in all of his fury and hears a multiplicity toys squeal as they fall to the ground, Sam stares at it in a confused rage-what the hell was all of this?!

“Dean?!” Sam yells and waits for an answer as he looks at the contents inside the bag-who the hell buys so much?! So he did bring a cat home! “Dean?” Sam leaves the bags and starts marching towards his room-he had so much he wanted to get off of his chest and he couldn’t contain it any longer. All these months of searching had led him nowhere and he needed all the help he could get, maybe he had an idea that didn’t drag him out and make him waste the precious hours of the day.

“Dean there’s something I-”

Sam opens the door and clutches onto the door knob loosely-his mouth agape and at a loss for words.

Cas lay asleep facing towards him, his hair disheveled and his brow loose and relaxed. Dean lies behind him with his arm wrapped around Cas’ waist, there was almost no space on his bed but they still slept peacefully, twitching sometimes from the deep sleep and at every twitch Dean would pull in Cas closer and buried his nose in his shoulder. The sheet that covered them wasn’t massive but it covered both of them equally.

_Well I guess I Dean beat me to it_

Sam felt awkward as he gulped and fumbled with the door knob as he started closing it. He closed the door behind him successfully and takes a sigh of relief with his back against the door. He’ll pretend he didn’t see that-maybe it was best that he wasn’t told about these things-it would embarrass Dean a little too much. He laughs at the idea, his brother was going to be happy again-that’s all he wanted him to be-that’s all he tried to make happen but it seems he just barged in himself.

It doesn’t matter, he’ll tease them in the morning-they all need a well-deserved rest.

Sam straightens himself up without separating his back from the door but he feels jumped by an unknown friend sitting on all fours, their eyes staring into his soul just a few feet away. Sam watches the cat stare directly at him and his confused eyes, this interaction was…interesting.

“So…I don’t think we’ve met”

The cat meows in an affectionate way but it doesn’t move away from its spot.

“Okay, so I guess I’ll…see you later” Sam steps away from the door slowly and marches towards his own room; his head was a mess from the overstimulation and information that kept ramming against the walls in his head. He needed to sleep-just sleep.

That’s what he needed.

**Everything is as it should be**

**Imperfect**

**But theirs to live**

**And theirs to love**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is officially the last chapter in the story. The next chapter will be an Epilogue and it will be coming out soon! It's gonna be a fluff piece and I hope you guys enjoy it, thank you for being on this journey with me even if it took me forever and a shitty finale to write it.  
> Thank you for all the years, I'm glad I got to finish this in this lifetime lmao.  
> I can't write smut y'all so I cant cater to your needs but I hope you enjoy me trying a bit-haha! 
> 
> My Love to you all.  
> I hope you enjoy reading it


	13. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The morning after.   
> They discuss their misgivings and doubts and everything in between

> _You say there's so much you don't know  
>  You need to go and find yourself  
> You say you'd rather be alone  
> 'Cause you think you won't find it tied to someone else_

Castiel fiddles with his little red box, turning and switching from every music station until he finally managed to settle on one. Dean’s arm is still laced around him and he tried his best not to move much within his grasp, he knows too well how reactive he could be when brought out of his sleep. He lets the slow song strum away as he places it upright on the bedside table-he sighs and places his own arm on Dean’s, his touch gentle and light upon his bare arms.

He knew it was morning; it had been for a few hours or so. The bunker was shut off from it all but the silence within these walls held a fascinating sound, as if one could understand it from the faint sighs that hovered in the air. He muses a little more as his eyes wander over the only corner of the room he could see; he looks at Dean’s slightly messy desk with his weapons laid about and a dusty lamp atop it, the chair a haphazard mess a few feet away from it. Had it always been like that?

The walls were dull and the shelves upon them mostly empty, only a few books lay upon it-books he didn’t know were a part of Dean’s personal collection. He never asked him what he liked to read-what was the last thing he did for fun? What was fun for Dean? Would he also find it fun? The prospects wandered in his mind and the familiar swelling started to emerge again-why was it so difficult to contain himself these days?

> _Ooh, who said it's true?  
>  That the growing only happens on your own?  
> They don't know me and you_

“Mmm” Dean groans as he shuffles a bit, his grip never loosening “Shut that crap off” he nuzzles Cas’ nape and sighs heavily on his skin. Castiel smiles and scratches Dean’s head slowly “I’ll wear headphones” he whispers and pulls away to reach out for the wire dangling on the bedside table.

“No. Just sleep” Dean talks groggily into Cas’ shirt and pulls him away from reaching his object of desire. Cas laughs but still manages to grab it by its dangly end, he beams at his success and rubs the back of his head into Dean’s forehead “I don’t sleep. I want to pass the time somehow Dean”

“Hunh-not even after the night we had?”

“It tired me out but…”

“Well, I guess we need to do more of that in order to get you to sleep” Dean hums happily and kisses his neck and tickles him gently, he still kept him in such a tight grasp-Castiel found it too much to bear, his heart a teetering mess from his feeble touch alone.

“I can’t do anything now, can I?” Cas turns slightly but he still can’t see his face, couldn’t he take the subtle hint in his voice? He wanted to see those familiar green hues break away every doubt he ever had-just wipe his head clean and only let those colors seep into every quaking pore-the thought alone made everything buzz inside him.

He feels an abrupt tug on his shirt and the next thing he knows he’s lying flat on his back, a cheeky grin upon the lips of the man who’s trapped him between his arms “Oh, is that a complaint?” Dean’s playful tone and lips draw themselves closer to a ridiculously beaming Cas “I can think of a number of ways to entertain you if you are so **bored** ” he has a low growl in his voice as he speaks, the way he always had when he was either hungry, angry or horn-

“Is there nothing else in that head of yours?” Castiel jokes as he runs his hand over Dean’s shoulder and slides it downwards until it rests upon his waist. Dean sits on top of him and starts to straighten out the tangles in his bed hair. He chaps his lips and watches Cas stare at him relentlessly and without remorse “Why are you looking at me like that?” he’s coy with his words as he heaves a satisfied sigh. Castiel smiles at his little gestures and contemplates over his features and anatomy, his full cheeks, the less heavy bags under his eyes and the green ablaze from the serenity of it all. His lips a forever pout with their natural pinkness so defined that it was hard to keep yourself away from them, the blonde stubble upon his jaw a dream to touch and feel against your fingertips. All of it was Dean. 

“Cas?”

“I’m sorry. I got lost looking at you”

“What is there to get lost in? You’ve seen me a thousand times”

“It’s just easy to get lost in your beauty somehow”

Dean readjusts himself and buries his face into Castiel’s chest; he lies on top of him as he refuses to look up even when Cas wanted him to “Did I say something wrong?” Castiel watches him apprehensively and places his hands on Dean’s back, gripping onto him lightly as he waited for him to speak. Dean’s heartbeat is erratic against his chest and his cheeks were warm with a vivid shade of pink as he spoke again “Damn it don’t say stuff like that Cas”

“Why? I meant every word of it. Should I not have said it?”

“No-no that’s not it…” Dean mumbles into his chest and continues to do so-the act made Castiel blush and he only held him more tightly as a reaction “It’s just…I dunno how to react to it now because I wasn’t prepared enough…I just…I don’t really do well with compliments”

“How is that even possible? Everyone always showered you with compliments, even strangers”

“Heh-you’d be shocked at how wrong you are”

“Oh” Castiel feels guilty for some reason. He runs his hand through Dean’s hair and pokes him on his side. He reacts to it and meets Castiel’s warm gaze “I’ll give you compliments every day. Maybe that will make up for all the years you didn’t get one”

Dean blushes even more with his eyes wide but this time he doesn’t hide, even if he really wanted to “Damn it stop being so…” Dean grasps onto the ends of Cas’ hair and pulls him into a kiss, his mouth is warm and demanding even this early-it didn’t bother him, he only felt more connected to him when he initiated the kiss-his mind in complete shambles by the overwhelming desire that swells up. Dean pulls him in closer as he bites his lower lip and lets his tongue linger within his shaking lips-he could sense Cas’ nervousness even if his arms are laced around him-he felt the same way, he just didn’t want him to think he was being a complete idiot around him. He knows how hopeless he could be with things like this and how easy it was for him to break it all apart.

**This is okay. You’re doing okay…Don’t screw this up**

“Dean?” Cas speaks through his tender kisses and lets Dean wander over his neck solemnly-he senses the eerie thoughts that force him back into his shell, the same Dean that always chose to hide rather than let himself be seen, especially this way “Dean?” Castiel is a lot more firm as he calls out to him. He places his hand on Dean’s nape and starts caressing it with his thumb. Dean’s body is tense above him and he wanted nothing more than to ease the tension hovering around them “What are you thinking about?”

Dean slows down and sighs softly as he traces his kisses upwards towards Castiel’s jawline and falls towards the free space beside him, his face aligned with Cas’ almost perfectly. His breathing is soft and gentle against Castiel’s skin, the blue behind his eyes crashing in his mind and waiting to unveil the secrets buried deep beneath it, he always thought he could read his mind and maybe he did-he could **see** him, how could he keep his cool around someone who knew him completely? Everything he tried so hard to build and protect from the ground up?

**Wasn’t he sick of him already?**

“Just a little…distracted. That’s all” he clears his throat and closes his eyes as he nods exasperatedly, his gesture is a little stunted and unsure and Castiel picks up on it instantly.

“I know you’re lying” Castiel comments with a questioning tone, he knows oh too well about Dean’s lying habit especially when he’s not feeling like his usual self and Dean knows his ‘really?’ eyes a little too well to keep his façade going.

“You’re really going to make me talk, aren’t you?”

“You know how much I appreciate our talks”

Dean’s eyes soften at the sincerity behind his words and he finds his hand on his cheek again which Castiel happily accepts. It was amazing really; the same old, bruised hands he used for his violent pursuits are the same hands that hold him now, a powerful sentient being who chose to rebel against an entire garrison because he found his faith elsewhere. How could he deserve someone like this? Someone as conflicted and similar as him but still so…

Still so much better

**Endlessly better**

“I’ve just been thinking about us”

“What about us?”

‘Y’know-stuff…stuff I never thought would…be life altering, really”

“Are you trying to say....that this was a mistake?”

“I would **never** say that, that’s not what I meant. I mean…” Dean sucks in some air and reassembles the jumbled letters and images in his mind “It’s just…I feel like I don’t…deserve this. And that things are good now but that doesn’t mean they’ll always be…good…right? I know I sound like a broken record at this point but… Cas I…I’m just not ready to let go of you-hell, I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to **let you go** again because… **damn it** , is it so wrong to **want** something for once? And even if the thought crosses my mind I feel… **I feel** …” Dean feels Castiel take him in his arms and pulls him into his lips, words couldn’t describe how grateful he felt when he reciprocated the emotion back-he didn’t have it in him to talk any further. And somehow Cas knew what to do, had they always been like this? Just ready to catch one another when the time came?

_I suppose they were_

Castiel tastes his salty tears and remorse upon his lips the more he deepens the kiss-it was euphoric and almost like a healing process for them-they’re driven mad by the taste and they feel like they’ll never get used to the newness of it all but they know too well-this wasn’t new. It’s been there, it’s always been there between them, this feeling that feels so light and so daunting at the same time.

> _I don't think you have to leave  
>  If to change is what you need  
> You can change right next to me_

“Cas…” Dean pants but envelopes Cas in a steamy kiss once more, he grins at the sweetness upon his tongue, even with his angelic quality Cas still had a taste, an electric tang within those lips he was fully taking advantage of-there was nothing like it and he couldn’t get enough of it. Castiel moans softly as he gets on top of Dean without breaking the kiss, he was way too into it and Dean couldn’t help but swallow him whole, nothing could’ve ever been enough for him when it came to Cas. He wanted everything.

> _When you're high, I'll take the lows  
>  You can ebb and I can flow  
> And we'll take it slow  
> And grow as we go  
> Grow as we go_

“Cas…the damn song is still playing”

“Can you…can you just… **not be annoying** for five minutes?” Cas pulls away and heaves a sigh. He licks his lips and diverts his annoyed glance towards Dean, who’s chuckling at his demeanor and tries pulling him in for a kiss again, a kiss Castiel straight up refused-it hurt Dean a little more than he wanted to admit and the defeat on his face brings a smile to Cas’ flushed face “You had to ruin this by nitpicking about the most unreasonable things”

“It’s not unreasonable-I just thought I’d lighten up the mood a little”

“I thought I was doing that…did I fail at lightening it up?”

Dean blinks swiftly at his innocent tone and the hurt eyes that bore into him-how could he be this soft in front of him? And how did he know that these tactics worked on Dean a little too well?

“ **No!** No…” Dean panics as he adjusts himself and grabs onto Cas tightly, he doesn’t break eye contact as he speaks to him in a deep voice “You…you’re actually much better at this than I am. It makes me rethink the whole human part really” Dean grins and joins his forehead with Cas’, he’s so warm and alive underneath his skin, every touch a new memory to preserve in his mind, a memory buried in the earth that gives out by every crash. 

> _You won't be the only one  
>  I am unfinished, I've got so much left to learn  
> I don't know how this river runs  
> But I'd like the company through every twist and turn_

“You’ve clearly lost it if you think I’m doing a better job at this than you” Castiel laughs and feels buried in his green eyes, as flirtatious and calm as he had remembered them even if it hid something much deeper inside. But he wouldn’t be Dean if he wasn’t complicated now would he?

“You’re a pro- trust me” Dean rubs his hand on Cas’ thigh and grasps onto it gently, the touch brings out a satisfied hum from his lips and Dean feels almost weightless by the sound, his voice always did soothe him inside and out-but he was never going to admit that.

They hear small scratching sounds erupt from the door-a small and sad meow follows it right after and the both of them turn at the sound. They laugh in unison, the sound calming the intensity around them a little more “He wants to come in, I bet he didn’t sleep all night” Castiel coos as he looks at Dean with warm eyes “I don’t like how sad his meows become when he feels left out”

“And what about me?” Dean teases as he shuffles from the bed and starts walking towards the door with an extended hand. Castiel laughs wholeheartedly as he readjusts himself against the bed rest “I love you both equally-maybe one a little more than most”

“Wow-thanks for choosing a cat over me” Dean jokes but there is a sting in his tone-he didn’t want to sound petty but he couldn’t help but be a little jealous. He clutches onto the doorknob and watches something dash in front of him, the next moment he turned around he sees a white gremlin taking over his bed and taking Cas’ full devoted attention. He’s erratic and needy with his cuddles and Cas is giving him all of it willingly with a tint in his cheeks.

> _Ooh, who said it's true  
>  That the growing only happens on your own?  
> They don't know me and you_

Dean grumbles under his breath as he closes the door and makes his way towards his desk, his stance weak and angry even if it was subtle “You know you have to give him a chance Dean. You said you’d make it work with my cat”

“I mean I said it but it doesn’t mean I meant it…”

Castiel’s eyes melt and reflect a sadness in them-Dean wanted nothing more than to kiss it away and maybe even punch himself in the gut for making him feel that way- **why was he always doing this?!**

“Shit…I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry…I’ll try” Dean tries to mend the awkward situation and he’s only met with Cas’ playful smile and glittery eyes “I’m not mad at you Dean-you don’t have to apologize!” Castiel laughs as he nuzzles and scratches the belly of his already dozed off companion-the fact that he adjusted so quickly was something really adorable-was he actually coming around to the little shithead?

‘Aren’t you coming to bed?” Cas asks in an unintentionally sultry tone and it sends a jolt all over Dean’s body, in some places more than most. He turns away from him as he places his hands on his desk, the red in his cheeks spreading through to his fingertips-why was he acting like a fucking teenager? The fact that he was getting flustered was pissing him off but he still welcomed the feeling. He welcomed all of it

> _You don't ever have to leave  
>  If to change is what you need  
> You can change right next to me  
> When you're high, I'll take the lows  
> You can ebb and I can flow  
> And we'll take it slow  
> And grow as we go _

“Dean?” Castiel asks in his gentle tone again and shifts in place anxiously, he wasn’t sure if Dean was actually mad at him or not-the thought scared him a bit and he just wanted to confront the issue directly-if only Dean would turn and look at him!

“Yeah Cas in a minute. I actually…I want to show you something” Dean is shuffling inside his drawer and pushing away objects Cas couldn’t see “You can keep talking-I’m listening”

Castiel feels the warmth in his tone and shakes away the confusion he had from before-he feels stupid at the thought completely “Did you see Sam last night? He came back late and he…he…” Castiel scratches his head uncomfortably as he continues to speak “I pretended to sleep even though I knew he was standing there. He saw us and…I think it was very awkward”

“Yeah…uh…I know”

“What? You were awake too?”

“Half-awake actually…you know how I sleep. And my Sammy senses are always on high alert”

“And…it didn’t faze you in the slightest?”

“I was fucking paralyzed”

“Then why…?”

“I couldn’t keep my composure so….I kinda hid my face in your shoulder” Dean procures a large wooden box and pauses as he twists and turns the padlock suspiciously “I…I was embarrassed as hell. I mean…I’m not really…out there like that, you know? Not like you at least”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I mean! I mean…like in the beginning, the days after we first met basically. You were always so close and relentless with me, always commenting on my shit and knowing nothing about personal space. You were always up front with everything, even with your feelings-especially regarding….us. It took me almost forever to actually get there with you so…I didn’t hide my face because I was ashamed of us I just…it had just been a really long time since I’ve been with someone and for Sam to find out that way…I just kinda freaked out”

“I understand. You sound so guilty about it, why?” Castiel watches his slouched shoulders and sees him turn around with his box, the padlock open and swinging about as he walks towards the bed and sits just inches away from him.

“I just don’t want you to think that I…that I’m ashamed of you”

“I wasn’t thinking that-but should I start thinking that way?” Castiel teases as he places his sleepy cat towards his side; his orange tail wraps around himself as he rolls into a ball and falls asleep instantly. Dean shakes his head with his eyes wide, a strange pleading mixed with his guilt as he started to apologize from his eyes even if it was muddled with every other emotion of panic, the action made Castiel laugh-his eyes melting at his flustered friend.

> _Grow as we go  
>  Grow as we go  
> Grow as we go_

“Oh you’re such an ass!” Dean groans but has a shy smile on his lips as he smacks Castiel’s knee. He missed his touch and Castiel wanted more of it but Dean had something else on his mind-the box was the only thing separating them and he waited patiently even if it was demanding “Is that what you wanted to show me? It’s a…interesting choice of a wooden box you have there…”

“No you dumbass, it’s what’s inside that I wanted to show you” Dean laughs as he opens the lid and obscures Castiel’s view “Well…technically…it’s a gift” he mumbles as a small blush appears on his cheeks. The object is tucked between his middle and index finger and he reaches out to Castiel with a small smile-just how nervous was he?

Castiel extends his hand and pulls the gift away from his fingers, his face showing genuine concern and confusion as his eyes wander over the words written on it. It seems to be a…tape? A tape which said…

**_Deans top 13 Zepp TRAXX_ **

“Dean, what is…?”

“Heh…I’ve been meaning to give you this since…well, ever since we saw each other last. In the time before…”

Castiel swallows hard as his eyes shift between Dean and the tape, it felt so easy to break within his hands and it terrified him even more to even think about it “You…you couldn’t possibly mean that. You kept it? All this time and you…still kept it?”

Dean nods slowly with a delayed gulp. His head shook whenever he spoke about something so deeply, just like he does now “I…I wanted to give this to you back then. I had it all planned out…we were going to go out after dealing with the case-Sam bailed on us so it made even more sense to give it to you then. We would eat and drive home in baby but before we drove off I would’ve…I would’ve given you this. I would make sure it was in the dark because…my face would’ve been red all over and I didn’t think I could handle your reaction when you took it-you know? Maybe I’d even offer to play it on the deck and then you would’ve…you would love it too and… I… I wanted to give this to you six years ago. Six years before anything happened, before I lost you and Sam and…before I lost everything” Dean bites his lower lip as he turns away from him, he didn’t want to look the other way but it was just a reflex at this point. Castiel watches the back of his messy head and fought the temptation to run his hands through them, he could sense him fight something from within and every breath slowly became a mellow sigh-he found himself in synch with Dean’s breaths as a tear stains his cheek-this wasn’t working out the way he had hoped. It was happening all over again-this feeling-this numbness, this ghostly air that separates them again.

But he still reaches out to him, even with the turmoil stirring in their minds.

Castiel pushes the box to the side of the bed and shuffles towards Dean with a strange hunger lurking upon his lips, Dean senses him coming close and he wraps his arms around his leg as he rubs his eyes and nose on them. He’s scared, he’s always scared it seems but this time he didn’t need to be alone with all of these emotions-he knew this but he was just too **afraid** to admit it, to admit weakness? That’s not the Winchester way; it’s either shutting down or going out swinging. Nothing in between

Until he found someone who shook all of his beliefs out of him

Castiel buries his nose in his shoulder and wraps his arms around Dean’s chest; his grasp was so tight he had to make sure he wasn’t choking him in the process-this never ending process of opening and sowing their wounds. A process that was much needed between them.

“I never…I never meant to take that moment away from you…I was just so…stupid, Dean. I can never forgive myself for what I did to ruin your life… **I don’t deserve** …” Castiel rubs his nose into Dean’s cheek and lets his forehead rub into the side of his face, it was so uncomfortable and unseemly of a position but it felt natural on the both of them.

“You didn’t ruin my life…neither of us tried ruining each other’s life. **You** know that, **I** know that. We just like to wallow in our self-hatred a lot more than we’d like to admit…that’s all.

> _I don't know who we'll become  
>  I can't promise it's not written in the stars  
> But I believe that when it's done  
> We're gonna see that it was better  
> That we grew up together_

Dean eases into his touch and becomes loose in his arms, the side of his face burying Castiel’s completely-well, almost “It was a damn shame that everything happened Cas, I can’t deny that but…you did what any of us would do-you did it for us, you did it for Sam and…I can never hate you for that. **How could I**?” Dean places his lips on Castiel’s forehead but doesn’t kiss him. He grasps the back of his tangled hair and keeps his grip firm, Castiel rests his chin on his shoulder and lets his prickly stubble tickle him slightly-it eases him instantly and only holds onto him more, keeping him together somehow.

“I never meant it…any of the horrible things I said to you before that day and after…I never meant any of it Cas… I was just being… **me**. And that’s what caused this rift in the first place. This never ending guilt, lack of trust, sometimes even hate…I regret all of it. I tried drowning every bit of you in liquor and…nothing ever seemed enough. But this? You holding me this way? It’s done much more than anything else ever had. I was just too stubborn and stupid to see that and I wish…I wish I could’ve said it to you when I wasn’t too busy being my father and a brother for Sam…I wish I didn’t keep you tethered this way and then push you away even when I didn’t want you to **leave**. I had it coming, all of this…I’m **poison** , Cas and somehow you don’t make me… **feel that I am** ” 

Castiel couldn’t take it anymore

He pulls away from Dean’s touch and pushes him down from his chest, Dean’s bewildered eyes stare back at the angel who’s above him with a wounded gaze, Dean feels a lump in his throat as he watches him with a smile, he felt instantly better whenever he looked at Cas but he would never admit that, he knows his eyes could never hide it from him.

“ **You-are-not-any-of-those-things.** You are not poison. You are not…you are not the burnt and broken shell of a man that you believe yourself to be. You’re everything one wishes to be, the fallen hero that smiles through all of the blood, a man so driven by his heart that he forgets that he’s human too, you’re someone who’s worthy of all the good in this world and beyond. Dean…everything you’ve done… **you’ve done for love** ” Castiel holds his face gently and starts to run his fingers all over it unconsciously, his eyes falter and somehow refuse to meet Dean’s eyes-he was so lost within every atom that constructed his entire being-every atom that made him Dean. How could anyone hate him?

“You are **flawed** -you’re one of the most flawed human beings I’ve ever met but even so you’re so capable of good and so worthy of… **everything**. You’ve been torn apart and you did it willingly… but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be saved. What you’ve done for me? Nothing I do could ever be enough-”

“You’re enough”

“…What?”

“ **You’re. Enough**.”

Castiel is frozen above him with his mouth agape, for once he was at a loss-he…doesn’t know what to say.

Until he finally manages to say something with a smile

“You’re enough too, Dean”

“Do you really mean that?”

“I have nothing to gain from lying to you”

Dean lets out a laugh as a tear leaves a shadow on his flushed cheeks-he hadn’t cried this much in years. Castiel was bringing out the sobbing mess he worked so hard to shove away but letting it out this way was bringing them even more closer to one another. Castiel settles himself on Dean, he feels the heaviness of his body on his aged bones and he feels a warmth course through him-sometimes in crashes and sometimes in mellow waves-all of it was Cas.

“I know. I trust you” Dean kisses his hair and lets his hand rub Castiel’s waist slowly, he pulls him in even closer and Dean laughs at the gesture “I’m…I’m glad you’re here, Cas”

“I’m…glad too. Even with everything… I’m glad that…we have this. The nows, the laters, the soons. All of it” Castiel looks at him and takes him into his lips, Dean welcomes his clumsy and passionate lips, it’s what made him Cas after all. The beauty of his muddled humanity- all of it was Cas.

“No more goodbyes” Dean moans softly between their kisses and gets lost in the moment all over again-time was different with Cas, either it moved too quickly or it kept them frozen within it. Needless to say his control over him was an exhilarating feeling to drown in, willingly and happily “No more of that”

“Hmm” Castiel fits himself between Dean’s arms and legs as he deepens his kisses all over his face, he laughs at how fondly he kisses him and it only made him go crazy at the sound, he deserved to be happy-he deserved this happiness more than anyone, why was it so hard for him to understand that?

> _Tell me you don't wanna leave  
>  'Cause if change is what you need  
> You can change right next to me  
> When you're high, I'll take the lows  
> You can ebb and I can flow  
> We'll take it slow  
> And grow as we go_

After a few minutes of their heated passion they pull away, Cas falls to his left and they stare at each other for a while, the soft glimmer in both of their eyes reflecting the same drunken and dazed adoration they felt for one another. Castiel was the first to break eye contact because he got distracted by something near the top of his head. His eyes widened at the sight as he raised his voice “DEAN!”

Dean gets up from the stern tone Castiel had but senses that it wasn’t directed towards him. He coughs away his awkward mistake as he turns to see that he was indeed angry at Dean-a much fuzzier one. He was melting inside his box and refused to get out of it-the comfort in his eyes were a give-away. Castiel feels embarrassed by his antics and calls out to him again and this time he actually acknowledges his tone and steps out from his cozy enclosure.

“He didn’t mean that…I hope nothing is ruined…” Castiel panics and eyes his cat with a nasty glare.

“Cas…it’s okay. He didn’t ruin anything” Dean pulls the box towards him and inspects everything inside it; all were just as he had left them. Castiel cozies up to Dean and places his head on his shoulder as he looks inside the box “Is it okay for me to-? I can close my eyes” Castiel speaks and actually does close his eyes-Dean wants to kiss the cuteness off of him before he could burst “Don’t close your eyes! You can look at it. Sam’s clearly messed with it so…here-I’ll show you” Dean rubs his chin lovingly into Cas’ scalp as he pulls out a few photographs. He showed him his childhood photograph, a child with his bowl cut hair style and a young Mary Winchester, it was folded from the edges but he kept it well. He slides another one into Cas’ hand, this one was of Dean, Sam and Bobby-his aura the same as any bulldog he’s never come across.

“I miss them”

Castiel cuddles Dean when he says that-he could’ve said something but he only wanted to be there for Dean and wanted him to express himself in his own way-his way alone “This is the only photo I have of us-kind of a relic because you never smile”

“That’s not true”

“C’mon Cas! Who are you fooling?” Dean slides it between Cas’ fingers and smiles at the image in front of them. They’re standing in front of baby; Sam is on the right with a big smile plastered on his face. Dean beams the same way at the front of the impala with his head hung low-Cas stands beside him with his hand sliding through his pocketed arm-he’s smiling too, wider than he’s ever smiled in all the years he’s spent on earth.

“You look so adorable here. We need to take more pictures together” Dean’s cheek is in Cas’ ruffled up hair, his breaths are gentle upon his scalp and he welcomes his touch as he loses himself in the photograph-why did he feel so distant from the trench coated angel smiling away? Why did he stop smiling like that?

He knew why.

All of them knew why the smiles subsided

It’s just hard to get over how long it’s been since then

Castiel gives the photograph back and his hand traces another familiar object from the Winchester memorabilia. He pulls out the familiar tiki mask necklace and lets it swing about in their view “You haven’t hidden your grace in this one either have you?” Dean jokes but Castiel can feel his shiver surge through him-he felt the same way

“Let’s just pretend I never did that”

“Already forgotten it” Dean beams and kisses the top of his head, his hand pulls him in the more they lost themselves in the box-the cat watches them from afar, his eyes black from all of the adrenaline surging through his little cat brain from all the objects he was tempted to chase. There wasn’t much inside the box and it left a strange hollow gape within them, Castiel wanted to explore a lot more in those photographs, those memories that he kept hidden from everyone else-memories he thought best to remove rather than keep. He hates himself as Dean assembles it all over again, the sound of the padlock loud in his ears. Dean could sense his stiffness and pulls him into a warm embrace, Castiel is taken aback by his grip over his own toned body-a spectacle itself really but nothing compared to Dean’s. How could he even compare at this point?

“Don’t think about it” Dean whispers in his ear and nuzzles him further with his arms tight around him “There’s no point thinking about it”

“But I can’t forget what I did. I can never forgive myself”

“Then learn to forgive yourself Cas”

“It’s not easy”

“I know it isn’t. Small steps-okay?”

Castiel kisses his jaw and then his neck, his musky clean scent stirred him on and he started tracing his lips all over as he pulls his shirt down to kiss his bare shoulder and collar bone, he needed his warmth much more than he had realized and he wasn’t proud of the way he always asked more of him this way. But Dean didn’t mind it in the slightest, he reveled in the attention “Woah, easy there tiger” Dean jokes as he pulls away from him slightly, Castiel meets his calm pools and feels embarrassed at his behavior from before “I…I kind of lost control. I’m sorry…this is all very new for me” Cas is flustered as he speaks with a small pout, Dean doesn’t hold back as he dives into his lips again but with a lot more softness than he had intended-he always thought Castiel would burst if he ever took it too far. He had to be careful with all of this.

“Me too” Dean breathes and bites his lip from Cas’ breathing, how did he keep himself away for all these years? How did he have the resilience to not jump him every moment he got before this? Dumbass Dean Winchester-that’s what.

To Cas’ dismay Dean pulls away and gets off the bed slowly, Castiel knew he was teasing him with the way his hands grazed his thighs and his sensual eyes-it was driving him insane how well he could read his gestures now-a decade or so back he never would’ve understood these motions and it made him wonder-how long had Dean been trying to tell him?

He was too scared to think about it further.

Dean shuffles away and starts straightening up his bed. He pulls the box away and walks toward his desired spot to place it, Castiel’s eyes follow him until he lay his head down on his pillow and watches the cat roll up into a ball in front of him. He smiles and turns to pick his music player from the side, the headphones still dangling lazily around it. He sees the tape beside it and takes it too. Castiel fumbles a bit with it but he finally managed to find the button that opened the slot, he’s watched Dean play tapes in his car all the time but to actually figure it out yourself was a feat on its own-he slid it in gently and clicked play.

He hears the music strum away in his ears and he breathes a sigh of relief to know he played it correctly. He hears the intensity of the drumming and the guitar riffs and finds himself shake his head unconsciously by the sound-music always seemed more fascinating when you closed your eyes to hear it-just limiting every other sense to fully experience it-this one thing that Dean had made for him. Castiel senses some shuffling on the bed and he opens his eyes slowly, only to find the same grinning idiot staring back at him, he never realized how much he missed his smile-how much he missed him in general-to be this frail in front of him was terrifying but Castiel wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Dean’s fingers untangle the other end of the headphones and he places it in his ear, he smiles fully and without any restraint, the creases around his eyes deep and delicate to the touch the more he smiled and loosened himself a bit. They lay together as the song continued with its never ending strumming-Dean looks happy with the solace and Castiel felt the same. The cat lay happily snoozed between them and the lack of space didn’t really bother him either-they didn’t even realize he was between them until he placed his paw on Dean’s chest unconsciously. They see the spectacle and laugh softly. This was ideal, really-to just lie this way. They only hoped for more of this, more of all of this.

Dean pulls himself closer as he pulls Cas in from his waist, their faces only inches away on the pillow that made their heads sunk in. Plant kept singing in their ears but Dean made sure he mouthed the next thing clearly.

“I love you too” He doesn’t even let Cas react before he pulls him into his lips again, Cas’ eyes were wide at first but the longer they kissed the more he felt them close-this was ideal. All of this was ideal.

_You heard me, didn’t you?_

**Yes. I heard you**

Castiel feels bubbles in his chest as Dean closes the distance between them, the cat mewls helplessly between them until it claws their way out of their stuffiness. It doesn’t bother either of them as they lose themselves in the feeling all over again.

There are sighs and laughs within the walls of the bunker until it soon fades out

Now all we hear are soft mumbles and moans-sometimes a few shouts and breaking objects but there’s always a silence after it all. A welcoming one-one filled with sadness and one filled with yearning-a yearning that’s requited and sometimes forgotten about completely. It’s mixed along with some loud guitar riffs strumming away and easing into the peace created within those walls. It collapses into the other sounds perfectly, no longer tangled and tethered.

It collapses perfectly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben Platt - Grow as we go
> 
> It's officially COMPLETED. IT TOOK ME 84 YEARS BUT I'VE DONE IT  
> I thank you all for your patience once again. I'll keep editing and making changes from the beginning-I'm glad you stuck around. 
> 
> Until next time, if I have the brain capacity to write another story again.


End file.
